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  1. #461
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    Nothing to report ... Just wanted say to anyone reading: "I wish you well "
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Actually ... after claiming I was going to clean up my eating act ... I had a blow day with food. BUT that's OK. Blow Outs are perfectly acceptable in my book. Just don't ask me when it's going to be published. LOL ... It's an eternal production living itself out in the here and now. At least whilst your reading this.

    Night Night ... no rush tomorrow

  2. #462
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    No wonder my family was hung up on SEX: My brother often told me how he always felt guilty (RIP Bro ... not that he can hear me?) because he could not look at women without lust. Most of my family could not use the internet which is not uncommon for many Christian folk who struggle with Desire on daily basis. I too was often conflicted with what generally felt natural to me (if not for mummy and the text they had me read) although I did not seem as hung up on the thinking about it compared to those more devout than myself. Then again, I was pretty devout ... just not as brainwashed ... I was always asking so many damn questions; more than my christian family could bare.



    Alas ... the same fallibility is in secular society ... or at least why soft porn is the rage with most entertainment these days. Whilst I acknowledge my own dark shadow, it's not hard to see that which has been passed on is now commonly projected where most people think sex will solve their answers like a chocolate cake solves depression. OR if your having trouble crossing into the 5th dimension ... one moment please ... dial a soul mate ... wank wank and I'm ready to cross!

    As you can tell ... not much happening today.

    Finished watching the last ep of start trek voyager. Shame about discovery. Will just have to keep the entertainment going on in here.

    Hmmmm More frustrated with all facets of society that typically promote and sell likewise desires so cheap. Two sides of the coin ... Religion and Secular ... Taboo and can't not enough! They feed each other well and the result is Planet Earth 2017. I see no so called 'Shift' in sight. Not unless your saving up all that sexual energy? That's one for the puritans to contemplate. Don't look now ... You just missed your flame. Best dial up again and see how much for the next one.
    Last edited by Ponder; Yesterday at 05:33 AM.

  3. #463
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    I guess I best balance things out a little - Going to bed with this one:


  4. #464
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    75.7KG - Failed Starts. I've had a few of those this time around as the season progresses from one to the next. Time to jump back on the scales. 75.7kg. Going by how I feel my optimal weight is around 72kg without any weight training or intense exercise of any kind. I was just doing it with food, relaxation and walking. As for BMI I have found that to misleading. If I was to drop my weight down to the supposed recorded BMI I would have to go all the way down to 59kg which would be paper thin for me. Whilst I am only 168cm 5.5 ... My bone density is comparatively thick compared to the average folk. I'll put that down to genetics, outdoor living and an easier life as a heavy laborer. Of course my bone density could take a dive if I stayed indoors and kept eating that fake food they sell at the supermarkets, driver-throughs and in the malls + lived an inactive life. I might want to give up the exercise, however becoming inactive is not an option.

    Of course I don't want to fall into the trap of just saying "I'm a thick bones person!" That excuse is quite laughable to me. Heard it too many times from people who seriously need to lose weight. I'll put down my goal weight for 69kg. Once again - LMFAO @ 59KG being my 'optimal' wieght according to the so called professionals that everyone says to go and see. Seriously 69kg is going to make my family start calling my Anna! hahahaha short for Anorexia. I was 69kg then. I felt pretty good! Sustaining it though was pretty tough. In order to reach what the professionals say for BMI ... I would have to lose a further TEN KILOS from 69kg where I was called Anaa ... to reach 59kg. At that weight getting out of bed to go for a piss would have me exhausted let alone trying to get through the most basic of my daily routine.

    So it is you can't take these BMI recommendations to heart. At any rate, let's see how I go trying to get back down to 69kgs. I'll let you know if the family resorts to calling me Anna. I'll let you know how I actually feel and if I am confident in sustaining it.

    Sounds like a plan. Something new to rave on and blog about.






  5. #465
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    Saw my therapist today and told her I'm giving up the whole 'integration thing' with attending the local mental health groups. Sick of trying to fit in. It's wearing me down. The social aspect is helpful, however the air of expectation to social challenges based on their guidelines is not only limiting but long term ... starts to feel oppressive. The clinical upgrade they recently had is really starting to weigh many of the clients down. Others are talking about going to less groups. The whole saga with music group (which should really just be called a Jam Session) reminded me just how much people are really like sheep. Everyone just following the words. So it is I brought these points up today and many more in the therapy session and decided it was time to give that place the flick. Might go back another time ... but not any time soon.

    I do like the Mentor program I am 'back' on. That's more of a personal affair not hemmed in with having to account for the wider group.

    Keeping my weight on track is still something of a priority, but I have to admit ... I think I need a break from being a 'try hard.' I have no doubt I will naturally fall back into my 'recovery/survival' mode ... but when I do it without having to feel as though I need to please the system ... then I will be more successful. Yep ... Time for a break for sure!!! No plans for self betterment and or fine tuning myself on any level. Fuck It!

    Phew ... I feel much better already.
    __________________________________________________ ____

    I guess that counts as being kind to myself. What's next ... ???

    How about being kind to others? Yea ... Helping my wife with a new project. Remember how we started up and still have that charity running to help people at risk of homelessness by advocating for them in matters of tenancy issues? Well my wife is getting involved in a new scheme to assist women in domestic violence. Seems to be more groups popping up taking matters into their own hands. The only thing I don't like about such groups is when the government starts controlling them. At them moment I am once again doing trailer runs but this time opening up my shed to assist with furniture for those that qualify for emergency housing. We did some laundry for another group which also provides clothes:

    You know me ... always looking for a photo opp



    It's one thing to do loving and kindness meditation and send good vibes, then another to do something a little more tangible. As long as I don't have to deal with too many self righteous donators asking "Now are you sure it's going to the right person?" My wife deals much better with those types than do I. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I just hitch the trailer and do the loading and unloading.

    Nothing else to report.

    Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz
    Last edited by Ponder; Today at 05:53 AM.

 

 

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