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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    New York, USA
    Posts
    20

    (RANT + Questions) I need some friends, high school sucks and what else is new?

    (There are some questions at the end)

    I feel like most of my problems are related to the fact that I feel very alone in my life and the people in my life aren't what I'm looking for in a connection (I'd like to say they don't "get me" but that seems pretentious.) In the end I cut myself off because it feels pointless looking for something that isn't there and it only makes me feel worse. I don't like going outside because there isn't anything fun to do, mostly because I don't have anyone to share it with. I don't like joining clubs or sports because there isn't a lot I'm passionate about, and even when I do the other person never seems to have the same feelings about it that I do. In the end I felt that if I had friends I could truly connect to most of my problems would be non-existent.
    I think about having friends a lot and imagining what it would be like, especially since my friends never do any crazy stupid fun stuff that teens normally do. I imagine what it would be like to date someone too. It makes me realize why I've been obsessed with this play called Heathers recently. It is a black comedy about stuff that happens in high school (plus murder) and I realized that I've never experienced ANY OF IT. No pranks, no bullying, no nights out with friends, no parties, no risky fun. It was just the schoolwork aspect of it and nothing else, just emptiness. At this point I would be willing to take bullying if it meant that I could have a real high school experience instead of this bland, pointless, lifeless, unmemorable shit. It seems strange but let my explain why:
    If I was to say I only wanted the good parts of it that would be impossible, and for it to be realistic (since I am a nerd and unpopular) I would have to face a lot of bad stuff too. You can't get anywhere in life without conflict, and since I haven't faced any that wasn't in my head that worries me a lot.
    If everything stays at this impasse I'm worried that I'll never face any real problems I'll overcome, then actually become a better person due to the conflict.
    I can't recall anything that I've done in high school besides schoolwork and scholarships (I seriously mean this. I have done almost nothing beyond that and occasional extracurricular stuff.) I have already accepted that I will never contact my friends beyond high school because of how little I've connected with them beyond "what did you write for the homework assignment?" (Wow. We've said some deep shit, right?) I haven't connected with any of my teachers enough to talk to them outside of high school. I haven't defined myself as a person and essentially wasted these years. I am going to college, haven't met the standards of my dream school yet (but don't worry, I'm planning to fix that.) and even then I still have no idea what to study.

    To summarize: High school has been the WORST point in my entire life.

    I am kind of panicking right now because of all of the above, but the worst part is that I need change NOW and I might have to wait until I graduate for that to happen. The thought makes me die a little inside.
    My thought are maybe I can make some online friends, but I don't know how to socialize (at least not well.) I don't know what sites I would use, how I would approach them, etc. Also, I guess I'm picky about what kind of friends I want to have (at least I think so, I have no idea.) I want someone that is creative (likes to draw or write, and is pretty good at it. If they aren't creative then I'd want for them to be interested in creativity so I can at least help them learn) so then we can make stories together, someone that isn't afraid of controversy (so, when we need to, we can complain about the world. Anti-SJW but anti-Crazy Conservative. I don't mind if they leaned one way or the other, but I can't stand either extreme), and someone that is okay with someone that has problems. The last one is pretty obvious, but I never have anyone to talk to mostly because they wouldn't want me to whine, so it would be nice if I had someone to exchange complaints with (we both talk about our shitty days and help each other.) They would have to care about their grades at least somewhat, and want to go to college/have a future in mind (I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that doesn't make a future for themselves.) Finally, no-exception, they are inspiring and encouraging and/or ambitious, so being around them helps me accomplish my own goals. They can help me take practical approaches and gives me encouragement when things get tough.
    I know that this sounds like a lot of idealistic bullpucky, but that is what my ideal friend would be like.

    I need someone to talk to, and maybe even look up to, so these are the qualities that matter a lot to me. It is just so hard to talk to people in general, much less find what you're looking for. In my school there aren't any idealistic people like this; either they are obsessed with socializing (imagine the most stereotypical teenager), the dull bookworm-ish type (cares more about grades than their well-being) which I hang out with, or the nerd (like five people in my school, and out personalities aren't compatible in the least. Really disappointed because I tried to talk to some of them, but they were either too dull or difficult to approach.)
    Maybe I'm judging them too quickly? Then again, you can really tell a lot from a person through observation, which is what I do before approaching them. The problem is most of them do something demonstrably stupid that any normal person would realize they aren't worth your time (like if someone said something discriminatory without joking, mostly towards groups that aren't seen as "capable of being racist/sexist to". I wouldn't go anywhere near someone that thought it was okay to be racist against white people or men, no one deserves a generalized hatred towards their sex or race.)

    What am I supposed to do about that? I hate to say it, but a lot of teenagers act exactly the same way, so there isn't many unique people out there. I guess I'm no better since I'm about as interesting as a brick wall...
    I still can't help but think about how much fun I could be having if I knew someone that was more in tune with my own interests, or felt the way I have. This all sounds really stupid and maybe I'm just asking for a teenage girl's fantasy dream, but what else can I do?


    Questions!

    -Is it bad to want a friend with certain qualities that you don't have, especially in terms of being interesting?

    -Are my standards too high for friends? Should I change them? Should I settle for less?

    -Is it bad to want new friends even though I already have some?

    -What can I do to fix this?

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Posts
    27
    It's a great idea to find friends who inspire you. Go for it. The only problem would be if you approach them with the insecure belief that you aren't good enough to hang out with them. Having standards is one of the best choices you can make. You might be asking if you should change them because you don't know if you can maintain your standards. If you really want a certain type of people in your life then do it. You can have as many friends as you want. You could even invite all your friends to hang out sometimes.

    You have a lot to say in this post. Why can't you share these same details with people around you? are you afraid your ideas won't be accepted? What's great is you don't need to be loved by everyone. You also don't need to love everyone. You can express yourself honestly and some people will like it and you can be authentic with them. Other people who aren't interested in the real you shouldn't matter to you.

 

 

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