Reaching out

[Anxious and afraid]

Hello everyone.. Let me start by saying this will probably be a pretty long post.. Im needing to express myself without judgment.. And here is where I feel I can do that. Let me jump right in. My anxiety and panic attacks started when I was 16 years old. (I am now 24). It started one day when I had a full blown panic attack after I smoked some marijuana. It was so intense I literally began avoiding alllll triggers or places that would trigger an attack. I began seeing a psychiatrist and was put on lexapro and buspar. I started obsessing over my heart health and eventually developed crippling hypochondria and depression for some years. I would call the ambulance at least twice a week. Which eventually landed me in a a mental rehab place a few times. I developed a big drinking problem that temporarily eased my anxiety for the tine being but when I woke uo it would be a thousand times worse. I was put on vibryd and had the worse reaction ever. I literally had a mental meltdown from the side effects . I was unable to sleep for days, my anxiety and panic was beyond this world… I was twitching and jerking and going through what I believe was serotonin syndrome. I quit taking it and eventually felt normal again but never slept the same. Insomnia has stayed. I eventually accepted the fact that o wasn't going to die from some illness after a few years of exhausting hypochondria. But a new phobia developed. The fear of going crazy and developing a mental disorder that would cause me to lose touch with reality. I indulged in that phobia for quite a while. With extreme panic attacks and anxiety. The whole time I was going through all of this I was in a very unhealthy relationship. After 6 year we split up. And I was fine with that. I few. Months later I met a new guy, I hid my anxiety for a while but it eventually came to the surface very quickly. He automatically didn't understand and was very closed minded to it . forcing me to deal with it in silence. Surprising it all. We quickly moved in together. And that's when he got mentally and physically abusive and extremely controlling. Forcing me to hold all of my emotions in , I feared setting him off. I was able to. Literally train my brain to deny the ability to feel. Anything . and guess what? Anxiety cured. Or so I thought. I got pregnant after only being with him for 5 months. I began a whole new life with this guy . new home, New places , new friends, New everything. Its like I reinvented myself. But was still always holding in my emotions and my true self. I was doing slot better with my new life, but something always felt missing. My pregnancy went great. But the whole time I feared giving birth. Fear I would have a panic attack or die during birth. And exactly 4 weeks ago Today thats what happened. My. Blood pressure got extremely high during labor , with all the meds they had me on I broke out in full blown anxiety attacks back to back. After I had my daughter my anxiety was out the roof and my blood pressure would not go down. Caudingòmore anxiety. It was very traumatic for me since I have not felt such intense fear for so long. Actually haven't felt anything for so long. After 5 days I was able to come home. I've been struggling. My boyfriend is no longer abusive. Hasn't been since I found out I was pregnant. But the habit of still holding in all my emotions and being very insecure stuck with me. I feel like suppressing all my emotions has come to a head. I can no longer do it and irs causing anxiety. I've slowly been showing my true feelings and emotions to my boyfriend and he thinks it great. But but im conflicted. I feel like two different people, the one I was when I first met him, my true real self. And the new person I became after I met him. The one who holds everything in and doesnt feel anything. Im Back to obsessing about mental disorders and going crazy . what if I have borderline personality disorder? Why am I having mood swings? My nerves are bad. I can't sleep and when I do I still have thoughts. Obsessive thoughts that I'm going craxy. The stress of having a baby is not helping. And the fact that my boyfriend thinks I'm just being "crazy " doesn't help either. I feel so alone and isolated. I get episodes of depersonalization/derealization, mood swings, battling myself about going back to the "old me" or continuing to be the "better new. Me".. Please tell me I'm not losing it. I've been going through this for exactly a month. I started back on my buspar but haven't seen my psychiatrist yet because he's booked till the 21st. I just want to be normal and happy .

[gypsylee]

Hi there and welcome

Sounds like you've been through a LOT since you were 16 and I can really relate, so your post was quite moving to me.

I'm 43 now, with a teenage daughter - I had her when I was 27, so a bit older than you, but my husband was emotionally abusive and I had (another) nervous breakdown when she was 18 months and left him. I had a drinking problem for a long time but was sober for about 5 years (until that breakdown). I did manage to do a university degree (Marketing) in my early 20s but the anxiety, depression and addictions stopped me from having a career.

I could write a whole essay for you but this is just the Welcome section I think the most important thing for you right now is support, so "reaching out" is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your baby. It's not an easy thing to do, so well done.

I hope you find some help here and I'm always lurking around.

Take care,
Gypsy x

[Anxious and afraid]

Hi there and welcome

Sounds like you've been through a LOT since you were 16 and I can really relate, so your post was quite moving to me.

I'm 43 now, with a teenage daughter - I had her when I was 27, so a bit older than you, but my husband was emotionally abusive and I had (another) nervous breakdown when she was 18 months and left him. I had a drinking problem for a long time but was sober for about 5 years (until that breakdown). I did manage to do a university degree (Marketing) in my early 20s but the anxiety, depression and addictions stopped me from having a career.

I could write a whole essay for you but this is just the Welcome section I think the most important thing for you right now is support, so "reaching out" is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your baby. It's not an easy thing to do, so well done.

I hope you find some help here and I'm always lurking around.

Take care,
Gypsy x

Thank you very much. It's good to know someone has been here before.