Depression/Anxiety for more than 10 years

[Adam_Rex]

Hello everyone!
I'm writing to you on a particularly desperate evening, with feelings of anguish, despair and imminent doom.
Like some of you, I have been fighting anxiety and depression for quite a while now (since I was 19, I am now 30), and I have reached a point where I think I have lost most of my hope. There's still some left, otherwise I wouldn't be posting this.
I have tried many different things, like CBT, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, awareness techniques, past lives therapy, you name it. Many times over the years, I assumed I was feeling desperate and anguished because of the place I was living in and therefore embarked on journeys to live somewhere else only to realize those feelings followed me everywhere I went.

Right now, I feel extremely hopeless and stuck - don't really think there is a way out. This ultimately leads to extreme negative thinking and, more often than it should, to suicidal thoughts. Now, I wouldn't want to kill myself but sometimes I can't see a reason why I shouldn't. We'll die anyway, sooner or later, and I do believe that life is only worth living if you're able to be happy and excited about it, which is something I feel I am only capable of sporadically (this might be my perspective only, not sure if sporadically is the appropriate word, but today it feels correct).

Thing is, I was a completely different individual before all of this started, before I was 19 and went through a really tough time and then developed insomnia, which led to anxiety and panick at night. From then on, it all snowballed. I'm guessing many of us experienced very similar things. And these things leave a mark, an imprint. SO each time something reminds of any of 'it', 'it' is triggered. It's like dreading something and that being the very thing itself.

Not sure I'm making sense now. Today, I cried in despair, out of pure fear, out of negative thinking and suicidal thoughts. Ultimately, all I want is to be happy, but I can't seem to hold that up for too long.

And so I think my question here is: are there any successful stories out there? People who've experienced something similar for a particularly long time and then grew out of it?
It's just that I feel exhausted after all these years trying to fight the 'demons'. It's like being possessed, that is the best image I can find for anxiety/depression. I'm sick of it, sick of this dread and hopelessness, but can't seem to break the cycle.

I am from Portugal and moved to England in October to pursue my old dream of studying music. I thought it would make everything better, but alas, it didn't. I feel excited about music but the dread and despair remain. Weird. But at least I am excited about one thing.

Sorry for the long text - I feel like this also a way of exorcizing some of those 'demons'.

Wish u all health and happiness.
Ricardo

[sarsaparilla]

I can't say I'm a success story because I'm still in recovery. But I've gone from 1-2 anxiety attacks a day to only a mild one every once in a while. That's pretty big for me. There's still a ways to go though. I think the fact I haven't attempted suicide is a success story in itself. I'm 22 and I've had depression since I was about 12 years old. I was officially diagnosed with depression at 14 and then diagnosed last year with depression and panic disorder. It's been a long time for me, but I think life can still be worth it even if I'm not happy all the time. I hold on for the times I am happy. I hold on because there is so much beauty in life, in nature, in people, and in learning about yourself.

Trauma is the worst. When you think about 'it' you are flooded with difficult emotions. I have traumas that have molded me as a person. You live on. You celebrate each day that you are alive past those difficult times and enjoy the good that you have now. That hard time for you has passed. You can work through trauma. A therapist can help a lot with that. Or a friend who is willing to hear you out.

That's great that you're excited about music. Hold on to that excitement! That's at least one reason to stay around. And I'm sure the people who know you would feel a great absence if you were to kill yourself. You're only 30 years old, things are getting started.

The anguish and feeling of imminent doom are just feelings. Are you in any real danger? Is there really anything wrong? Or is it just a temporary low? There are a lot of ways to boost your mood which people have probably told you over and over but exercise and eating healthily and regularly is a good start. Being active in a community helps. Working on a skill or hobby helps. Volunteering. You've tried many things so far but maybe the only thing that helps so far is music. Keep doing that and keep looking for what helps you feel better. This despair will pass and your mood will improve. Hold on tight until you reach that place of feeling better. It's great that you reached out. You are not alone!

[gypsylee]

Hi Adam and welcome

I started seeing professionals about my anxiety at 19 and I'm 43 now. I do think I've "grown out" of it, yeah. I still get pretty bad anxiety/depression but now there's an obvious reason for it (long story involving family).

Music is awesome.. Keep at it! You'll be really glad you did in 10 years.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Kirk]

Welcome Ricardo. Their is always hope, so don't ever give up or quit as when things seem at their
worst, things can turn around quickly in your favor.

[iwanttobeok]

I would say that if you are recovering, that counts as a success