My best friend and I have been friends for nearly eight years. We met at college and since then have worked at several different jobs together and, as of a year and three months ago, now share a flat. Our friendship has been one of the only consistencies in my life over the last almost-decade and I love him. He is like family and I can't imagine my life without him in it.
Both of us suffer with anxiety and depression, although it affects us in different ways. My anxiety began as hypochondria, which eventually grew into general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. Now, my anxiety affects every aspect in my life in one way or another. I have been on and off medication for this over the years, although I am now not taking anything.
Both of us work at a coffee shop together where we are the assistant managers. Neither of us are happy with our job or with our life in general. We both want more but neither of us know what we want to do or where we want to go with our lives. All we know is that we aren't happy with the way things are. This sense of discontent is something we share. However, like our anxiety, it affects us differently.
When he is feeling anxious or down, my best friend spends a lot of time alone. He is an introvert and someone that enjoys their own space. I am the opposite and actually really hate spending a lot of time by myself. However, I understand that some people need their own space, so when he wants to be alone, I try to respect that. The thing is, as well as wanting to be alone, when he is feeling down, he tends to get quite nasty. I'm not sure if nasty is the right word... He can be quite passive aggressive with some of the things he says and does. I try to ignore it as I know he is suffering, but sometimes the way he acts hurts me. What doesn't help this is the fact that, because of my anxiety, when someone is even slightly irritated at me, I spiral into a panic. Especially when it comes to my best friend. I have this overwhelming fear that he's going to get sick of me and cut me out of his life. It causes me so much constant anxiety. When he's in a bad mood, I get so anxious I don't know what to do. I feel sick, I have full-blown panic attacks. I have tried to explain this to him and I think he does understand, but when he's not feeling good I don't think how I'm feeling is a top priority. And I do understand that.
I don't want to paint him in a really negative light. He is a wonderful person. I truly believe he's special and he is the best friend I've ever had. I also know that if I ever needed him, I mean REALLY needed him, he'd be there for me regardless of how he was feeling. When things are good with us, things are amazing. We have so much fun together and always have and we've been there for each other through some really tough times. The point of this post, I guess, is that my anxiety has been awful recently and that's not his fault. Every time he's even slightly off with me, I go into a complete meltdown. I just don't know how to control this constant fear of being abandoned by my best friend. I know some people might read this and say that if our friendship is causing me upset, then maybe I should give it up and move on but that is not an option. He really is family to me and you don't abandon family, no matter what. Besides, the anxiety is MY issue, not his. Sure, sometimes when he's down he's not the most pleasant to me, but that's not the real issue, the real issue is the way I react to it.
Any advice would be appreciated - sorry that this post is so long, but I just don't know what to do.
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