My Underground Bunker

[salvator here]

Alrighty!!

So, here I go again LOL

As I've said in another thread, I pretty much figured I was going to leave here for good which I stated (more like a meltdown) in my last thread. I recon it was because of the tension taking place here as of late and it just caught me at a fragile time that evening, everything was getting to me that night; sadly. I've read some rather colorful postings here, so I think I'm entitled to that meltdown (not my first and likely won't be my last).

Only 3 days at a heavily moderated forum made me appreciate this place even more more and I was promptly on their sh!t list HA

This is my thread and again, I don't expect replies at all, however they are always appreciated, even just to say hello now and again. Sometimes the loneliness is mind crushing to me. I'll use it to unload and put my thoughts into words (sometimes ramble), because it really helps me to do this. I can't really do this on the other forums I'm on because: 1) one is a computer tech forum and although there is a lounge and people do bitch and complain, I can't go full-on-drama and expect to not be viewed as a total nut. 2) The LGBT forum I'm on is a bit too heavy and other people are in serious crisis (many suicidal teens) and I don't like to take support when others need it much more that I, so I'll do this here at AF.

I'm a 43yo grown man and should have it together by now...but sometimes I wonder to myself. I'll turn 44 this year and I was so hoping to be in a better place by now. I DON'T feel too old, but the clock is ticking and time is not my friend. I'm impatient and want instant change. I feel soooo withdrawn from society hence the thread title. I feel like a vampire sometimes and feel strange being out during the day. I'm not sure how to change this. I was (falsely) thinking I would see a quick change after the 2 hospitalizations, but, I feel I'm back at square 1 now. That being said, I have not touched even a drop of alcohol since I was discharged and it feels sometime surreal to me. I feel physically healthy and mentally more in par, so this is good and a great start. I've lost weight and seem to be maintaining at 160-163 pounds. I'm not muscular and would/could be quite skinny without all this extra flab around the stomach and love handles (I'm not a big boned guy at all). I feel much better in my own skin again and am eating much healthier and regularly now since eating 3 meals at the hospital. I've decided to keep it private -- the reason(s) I was hospitalized even thought I said I would go into detail in another thread. I guess I just want to put it behind me and refer to it as a learning experience and a time of great self reflection(s). I'm still struggling with mental health issues though (some diagnosed - others undiagnosed) and doing my best to accept these and not to be so harsh on myself. Upon discharge, it was recommended to follow up with my doctor and to seek therapy again to work on my anxiety and social phobia. I just can't do groups again; never EVER!! I came close while inpatient to being forced on psych meds again, but luckily they did not push it when I voiced my concerns and displeasure. I don't push my views on others and if meds help others lead a better quality of life, I'm all for it! It's just not the direction I want to head down going forward. Again, this is a personal decision and my choice for me.

Well, that's enough scattered thoughts for now I guess.

Today started out good and I plan to stay up and try to go out even for a short walk to get coffee and enjoy some fresh air. I feel optimistic and hopeful so why fight it and over-think it, rather than just enjoy the refreshing change

[gypsylee]

I'll hang out in your bunker!

[salvator here]

Thank you gypsy, Have to forewarn you ahead though, its pretty boring here -game shows in the early AM and re-runs of Law And Order during the day is about as exciting as it gets

Jeez...I'm totally in brain fog city today and can hardly keep my train of thought for much more than a few seconds without trailing off. I'm certain is because of the poor sleep as of recent. Sometimes I can go on 4-5 hours and feel ok (just ok), and sometimes I feel hardly functional and today is one of those days; regrettably. I do much better on 6 hours of unbroken quality sleep. I haven't slept well in all honesty since the 90's, Its been more of a problem getting back to sleep and failing open upon waking. I'm trying not to freak out anymore and just get up out of bed because lying there panicking only make it worse. My mind is always working overtime and it doesn't take long to start worrying about the upcoming hospital bills that I can not afford - must block it out as it will only cause more anxiety and depression. Its sad that people here are discharged and trying to recover from depression only to be faced with possibly having to file bankruptcy when faced with the outrageous bills. I can see how this turns into a revolving door cycle in and out of the hospitals and remaining stuck in a never-ending loop . Such a terrible shame!

Throughout the day, I'm still getting waves of panic for no logical reason. Luckily it does pass eventually without taking medication. I feel I'm doing alright with my supplements at bed time. I'm a bit discouraged with my personal results with L-Theanine as I see its seems to be working well for others. It could also be that I've not purchased good enough quality, as well. I might try another brand and see if that makes a difference. But as I read a bit more, having taken benzo's throughout my life as well as being a regular drinker for years could have affected my GABA receptors that will need more time to return to their normal functioning (could take years from what I read). I'm not even going to push my doctor when I see him for another scrip. I really determined to make this work naturally and without psych meds again. Yes, I know not everybody agrees with this, but again, its my personal choice.

Not sure why, but today I'm a bit anxious about going out today and procrastinating. I'm still going to though as I have been everyday even for a short outing. I feel a bit disjointed and have the chills so a hot shower might help. Feeling stomach pain again for the last two days as well. I'm not going to dwell on it thought because I don't think it anything serious.

I actually spent much of the morning reading a members site [fixmybrokenmind] and it was informative. I'm going to ask my doctor when I see him to run more blood work and test some of my hormone levels to see if anything is off. I do believe much of what I read there and try to stick to some of that advice currently. I found especially helpful the section about chemicals/poisons in everyday items that affect our hormone levels and its somewhat worrisome. It would be extremely difficult taking into account my financial situation to eat organic due in large part that I sometimes have to rely on whats available at the food bank and its not really healthy most of the time (too much canned food and pasta, and expired cakes and pie YUK). That being said, though, I want to do what I can even in some small part to avoid poisons in the drinking water is something I can correct. I'm going to pick up a quality water filter (picture) that will purify my drinking water. I'm going to go with the BRITA water picture. Even the best one is only 20 dollars. Been trying to walk more and not be so sedentary since discharge and I feel super charged to treat my body better. Been keeping up with hygiene and and my appearance even if I feel like crap on the inside and so far, its helping me. I've decreased my usage of antiperspirant deodorant and soaps and have switched to Toms Natural Deodorant instead as I've ready they screw up testosterone levels.

I am really dread having to interact with people today and am hoping have little as possible contact with people. Well, I guess I should try and start the day and not succumb to the anxiety and panic even though it would be so easy to just chalk today up as a lazy day, i just can't!

[gypsylee]

I completely understand the not wanting to go out and Las Vegas can't have a very good "vibe" for introverted types? My parents travelled across the States in the 90s and they had to change their accommodation in Vegas to somewhere out of the city because it was just too horrible they said. I live an hour south of Melbourne, near the beach, but the freeway traffic is enough to depress me. I can hear those cars and trucks from 5am and I hate it.

My social anxiety has been minimal lately and I've been going out, but I still don't like it. Even with the tourists mostly gone there are too many people for my liking. It doesn't get dark here until 8:30pm atm so the days are long (and often hot). I've been reading a lot lately and finished a 300 page novel yesterday in one go