Husband with panic attacks does not understand my anxiety!

[BeBrave]

Hi All,

I need some real advice here.

So for a long time, my husband has suffered from panic attacks - long before we ever met. Right now, he is in pretty focused therapy to help him get over certain fears that trigger panic attacks.

However, I have diagnosed generalized anxiety and take medication for it. My biggest trigger that sends me into a version of his kind of panic attack is waking up at night and finding him not in bed yet. He tends to stay up super late (even though he says not getting enough sleep triggers his anxiety).

Last night, I woke up around 1am and saw that he wasn't in bed. I tried to ignore my racing heart, and went out to the living room and asked if he was coming to bed soon, what was he up to, etc. He said he was coming to bed soon...so I'm thinking, okay, maybe in another 10 minutes or so. Nope. An hour later, he's still out on the computer. So I tell him I'm going to try sleeping in another bedroom to change my environment and try to sleep since my heart has been racing - he knows this is a problem for me.

Anyway, after I'm settled into the other bedroom and trying to relax, it finally sounds like he's ready to go to bed. He comes into the other bedroom, lifts the pillow (I usually keep over my eyes - somehow comforting), says, "I'm going to bed," and then drops the pillow back on my face. No, "How are you?" "Are you okay?" Or "What can I do to help?" So, honestly, I stay in this other bedroom since I'm comfortable and really think it might help me sleep. An hour later, after I think I've finally fallen asleep, he comes back into the room, lifts up the pillow again and says in a regular volume voice with obvious irritation, "What are you doing?"

He woke me up, after I had finally relaxed after an hour + of racing heartbeat, and then when I get upset with him for lacking sensitivity, he calls me dramatic and overemotional and grouchy, and I just need to leave him alone...!

The mind-blowing part is, he suffers from the worst panic attacks on a regular basis, and lectures me on how I need to help him (and all the ways I haven't in the past) during a panic attack. It's like he can't empathize with me at all, even though he has very recent, hands-on experience with it.

I am so confused and frustrated by this. It makes me feel so unloved, and it makes me want to reach out to someone else who will understand and maybe help me through those moments. Sucks.

Can anyone shed light on why this is happening and what I can do about it? I just don't get it. Am I right to be annoyed or do I need to be more understanding somehow?

Thanks...

[Im-Suffering]

Am I right to be annoyed or do I need to be more understanding somehow?

Thanks...

Be more understanding. And when you think you've given it your all, be more understanding than that.

And when you've exhausted your energy after months, and your ego is screaming in your head, ....

Be more understanding.

[gypsylee]

Hi there,

This kind of thing has happened to me with various men. They aren't known for their empathy.

As for "be more understanding" Give me a break Im-S. If I'd given all the guys I've been with any more understanding I would be a shell of a woman staring blankly at a wall all day. Or, more likely, I'd have drunk myself to death. That story isn't as unusual as it sounds amongst women you know.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Im-Suffering]

Not advocating abuse.

Generally speaking, give first what you want to receive.