Hello darkness my old friend

[Huan]

I know, I am aware that anxious thoughts that ultimately lead to panic attacks are fiction. I also know that when I get these anxious thoughts everything becomes miserable, life seems hard and not worth living, I lose interest in everything and that makes me even more frightened and feeling like I'm losing control over everything, these thoughts circulate and only make things worse to a point of physical sensation and becoming panicked. Such moments in their peak phase were mostly present in the first month,maybe the second, when I first got the panic attacks 9 months ago. I thought I'm falling apart for good. I didn't fall apart. I had such improvement since then. Yet anxiety hovered over my back in the months coming and never left, it always knew how to stay every fucking day for the past 9 months. Of course it was far less intimidating than it was in the start. I would say anxiety for me for the past 9 months was like when you fall deeply in love with a girl/boy and you think about that person every day from morning till going to bed, not all the time but mostly, except this is anxiety. The process of thinking about it, processing the world with anxious thoughts just cause you are frightened of what happened to you, of anxiety is a BIG FUCKING CIRCLE THAT IS HARD TO GET OUT OF AND FORGET IT.

Now as I said I had big improvement, supportive family, dear friends, a good family shrink, living well, being healthy. About two weeks ago the same STRONG feeling of anxiety and physical sensations came back in a less scary form( if it was 5/5 back then, now it was 3.5/5) than it was in the start when i experienced my first panic attacks, but still terrifying enough to envelope me with another layer of fear and awareness. Now tell me, this is a fucking set back and i hate it, but is this normal to happen? I am taking Escitalopram(SSRI med) 10 mg every day and i never stopped taking it ( in consultation with my psychiatrist).

Tell me boys will I ever going to get away from this illusional bullshit that fucked me up without warning?? Am I going to make a fucking full recovery or am I to expect such SETBACKS in the future and get over the fact that i will have to live my life in misery from now on? Or am I the one supposed to answer these questions for me? Cause i find it fucking hard to battle with my way of thinking while anxious ( and that is every day more or less) and I don't know will I ever manage to convince myself that this is just a fucking bullshit. Cuz trust me that I am fully aware that its just a bullshit state of mine, I know how it all works but I can't feel that I'm fully recovering.
I feel like im on a test and i know the answer but i dont have a pen to write it down. I just cant convince myself that I'm making my own monsters. That the monstrosity that hovers over me every day is fictional and that It is up to me wether it will go away or not.


I am so angry and tired of this. I just want it to go away. I've seen happy moments, I've been there when my mind was calm and I know that there is another state of mind, the state of mind i had previously but sadly I cannot control these anxious thoughts when they hit and they dont ask when to come, you just expect them to come every day, every moment.


P.S. I want you to give me your opinion on the SETBACK I'm having. All the other stuff i wrote are just to give you a bigger picture of how i feel for a long period of time not just for the past 2 weeks with the setback on.

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[Huan]

There are few people here that have seen my other posts already, I'm sorry that im bothering you, but you know how it is, when something bothers you, you just feel like you need someone to talk to. And who else if not the people that felt how it is to feel down.

[gypsylee]

Hey Huan,

You aren't bothering us. Not me anyway. In fact, I like this post because it's written with blood, sweat and tears

Setbacks are horrible with anxiety and I always feel like I'm worse than ever.. Which is pretty daunting when you've had this for 20+ years. That's the nature of this beast though and you kind of have to just trust you aren't worse and hang in there. The thing is, it's not linear like a physical wound. You're dealing with stuff from the subconscious which is much trickier.. It helps me to think of it as a spiral rather than a straight line. Then you get other stuff happening to you (unless you live under a rock) and it gets even trickier.

I can't really answer your question about making a full recovery. I see a lot of stuff that says everyone can but I don't know.

Take it easy,
Gypsy x