Justaspekt, I hope you managed to find help with this as when I had a crisis and also felt on the edge of existence, the only thing that stopped me was talking. I was very lucky that I could move in with my parents for a couple of weeks to just "exist" and experience living rather than worry about everything that was happening to me at the time. If I hadn't, I don't think I'd be here today. When in crisis, I know that things like how friends and family would feel if you were gone don't matter because you lose all sense of worth and you can't compute that there is something greater than the pain you are feeling, well that's how I felt anyway. It wasn't until I was able to talk through my scattered thoughts and discover that I was lost and that it was OK to be lost that I started regaining the feeling of worth. I learnt from reading books on crisis that what I was going through was largely a manifestation of the "fight or flight" instinct that is something you don't even think about, it just happens. For me, I was subconsciously choosing flight and no amount of positive thinking could release me from the weight of the want to leave life behind and disappear. However, that passed (very slowly - it's a process) and I'm a better person because of that experience. I have bad days, horrendous days. But, I've learnt that it's OK to have bad days where you feel lost and it's all you can do to get yourself up and to eat a scrap of food. Why? Because moods and feelings are in transit - the bad day will pass and you'll have days that are good and you enjoy yourself.

I realise this is becoming an essay but I hope it helps you or anybody else reading this thread with similar thoughts. It shows immense strength to not commit suicide. It's one of the most debilitating and all-encumbassing experiences to feel the weight of suicidal desires and to be able to tackle that, to overcome and to enjoy even just the small moments in life, is an incredibly strong feat. So, you are not weak by not ending your life. You are strong. This crisis will pass if you talk through your thoughts with others and find help and though you will always have pressures in your life, you'll learn to accept them and see them as unfortunate bi-products of enjoying life. Stay strong and find help - not one person that cares about you will judge you for your thoughts so please talk to someone