Anxiety/"Pure O"/OCD

[uzkostlivy]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the site, just joined about 15 minutes ago.

I just wanted to share my experiences and hopefully there is somebody out there with a similar problem/condition; and I hope to, thus, get some help from talking about it to other sufferers.

I have suffered from anxiety for about 16 years and I am now 34 years of age. After doing some online research several years ago I came to the assumption that I probably have the condition known as 'Pure O'. Pure O is a form of OCD. It differs in that the compulsions take the form of mental rituals (as opposed to physical ones) and perhaps by even avoiding certain objects or situations (this is especially true for me; avoidance).

Basically, I worry that I will commit horrible acts or say horrible things or shout out in public or I will strip naked and run in the streets. It all sounds ridiculous and even as I type I know it's ridiculous and I know how virtually impossible it is that I would carry any one of them out.

For example, I am not a violent person. I am warm and caring and certainly a pacifist, I have no history of fighting or violence and think that violence and fighting in general are wrong. Morally wrong and against much of what makes up my world view. However, I worry, sometimes chronically that I might become violent, that I might, for example, pick up a knife from the kitchen and stab my girlfriend in the heart. Such an action would obviously be so horrific and although I have no real desire to do such a thing sometimes I get rather confused and frustrated and very scared at the very notion and of the idea that perhaps 'I will just do it'. And, this is where the avoidance comes in. I will avoid holding knives and wash them straight away and put them away in the draw. I will avoid cutting vegetables or fruit.

There are other manifestations of my anxiety but because I have told myself that this is the most extreme and the worst one possible, I have convinced myself that this is the worst thing that could happen to me, and therefore this is the most worrying, the most frequently occurring and the one that takes up most of my time and includes most of my anxiety.

Anyway, whoever has taken the time to read this then I thank you in advance for that. In a way, it has taken me 16 years to express myself about this in the way that I have. I have only ever told a small number of people about my condition. Could count them on one hand.

Anyway, thanks again, and if anybody wants me to listen to them, I am all ears. Peace and love :-)

[peteski37]

Hi there and welcome, I'm sure you will find someone here with good advice. What you are going through mentally sounds nasty. I'm not like that myself but there have been times when my brain has thought like that and when I think back it's quite scary what the brain can do.

Welcome again and thanks for sharing

[aml0017]

Hi! I am glad you are opening up here, it is easier than opening up in person I find. I am 36 been having anxiety (GAD) since 16 yo. I haven't really experienced anything like you have but really it is a mental glitch in the thought process same as anxiety. I worry constantly about things that probably won't happen, but my body reacts as if it is real. It could be a tiny trivial thing but in my mind it becomes some catastrophic event. Sometimes there is some physical compulsion involved, where I'll check that I turned something off etc over and over, but that comes and goes with my various worries. It sucks...

I hope you will continue to post here. I think there may be an ocd thread on the main page too? Don't take my word for it, I always come straight to the anxiety page so I haven't looked in a while. Do check for it, maybe there are other posters who have experience with pure O. Doesn't matter though, we can all understand not being in control of our thoughts. You've gotten thru 16 yrs, you're a survivor!

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome

I remember having this kind of thing as far back as when I was a teenager. I'd be up the top of this shopping mall and would think "what if I just threw myself off the top floor?" The most stupid thing about this was it was the idea of doing it in front of everyone that freaked me out more than the fact I would either die or injure myself pretty badly. I used to deliberately stay away from the edge just in case I did it. I'm laughing now because I'm 43 and I've been dealing with this forever but back then it was absolutely horrible because I thought no sane person could possibly have these thoughts!

It's really just a vivid imagination though (the author of The DARE Response says "a vivid imagination combined with stress hormones"). I also used to get it a lot when I first got my driver's licence and I kept thinking "what if I just swerve into that oncoming car??" I still get that from time to time but I've learnt there's quite a big difference between thinking things and actually doing them.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

P.S. I got a bit excited when I saw "Join date: Jan 2017" LOL.

[SkinsFan28]

Hey Uzkostlivy,
This is probably the first time I have met someone that has the exact form of OCD that I had when I was younger. I was constantly terrified that I was going to do something horrible and would just obsess about it in my head. I knew I would never commit any of those acts but I could not get my mind to rationalize those thoughts. It has evolved over the years now and would say that I now obsess about medical issues.
Just thought I would share that you are not alone! I understand how scary and frustrating it can be.

[Martin85]

I saw this thread joined just so I could reply.

I have very similar thoughts and only recently realised it was OCD. I always thought OCD was to do eith people who wanted things in a certain order or hated the number 13. Ill be walking down the street and it will just pop into my head, "WHAT IF I PUNCHED THAT PERSON IN THE BACK ON THE HEAD" i know I would never do it but over the year I just grew to laugh it off I just thought I was weird.

Then one day on a 8 hour flight i had my first ever panic attack which came out of the blue. I was watching a comedy and panic came. I had so many things racing through my head. I thought I was going to bring down the plane and be arrested. I got up went to the toilet and it passed. I was on edge for a bit but I could manage it.

Then around 7 months later I was in Amsterdam and again panic just came. I was in a hotel room with friends and I start thinking what if I jump out of this window and will my friends be able to control me if I freak out, even more than I'm doing.

I'd say the second panic attack was the worst think in my life and it took me around 2 weeks to recover with suicidal thoughts coming into my head, which I think was the OCD because I 100% don't want to harm myself.

Your not the only one and I think there is a forum for OCD but I can't remember what it's called but you might want to take a look.

Hope this all makes sense because I rushed it while making my dinner lol

[DizzyPixie]

I can totally relate to what you have! When I was a child and a teenager I would get thoughts that were either very nasty and sick (I didn't enjoy them at all, it was like my brain was making them up just to scare me) or I would be afraid that I'd do things like you said, killing somebody, behaving inappropriately etc. Also I would repeat certain phrases in my head, to cover the unwanted thoughts, but I still felt like a monster. It was the main reason why I was considering suicide in high school. Now I have these thoughts that say I want bad things to happen to me, like die, although I don't want to. Again, it's like my mind tries to scare me, and I'm afraid that just because I think of something, it's gonna happen, although I know it doesn't work like that. Anxiety is a tricky thing, it's like you have a logical person and a completely irrational one, in the same head.
Now, my advice for the bad and scary thoughts, is don't be afraid of them. And they'll stop. If I was thinking "what if I killed my mother" and that made me feel terrible, instead of avoiding the thought, I would repeat it in my head, till it was powerless. Like "ok, brain, gimme more, I'm not afraid". If you're not afraid, the disturbing thoughts stop. Also, if you feel guilty, remember that you are not your thoughts. The mind is a complicated thing. It's capable of thinking anything, from the best to the worst things. Just because you thought something, it doesn't mean you are in alignment with it.