Today I had a mental/nervous breakdown (not sure what the differences are). What happened was my mom had called to make sure I was stirring meatballs for a dinner tonight. I had forgotten to and they were burnt. Another fucking thing I fucked up bc Im so fucking stupid. I ended up destroying my brand new S7 that I bought with my own money out of anger, and proceded to just breakdown from there. Yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs I wanted to just fucking cry, I wanted to turn back time so much and stop myself from snapping.
Im 18, Male, and my name is Sam. I never stopped and seriously thought about my mental state til just now but I think I have been dealing with some sort of depression or anxiety my whole life. I have had a number of breakdowns like tonight throughout my life, and throughout middle school I would hit myself in the head as a way to punish myself for something I did, not that ever did anything that warranted that of course. I have since stopped self harming thankfully. I have a good group of friends but I am still not a very outgoing person. I am INCREDIBLY self conscious about my appearance no thanks to my never ending acne and hair problems. I have a super hard time talking to girls and while Ive has a few successes overall my sex life and relationship life has been either non existent or I end up fucking it up myself. Luckily I am physically healthy but the past 6 months my eager and drive to go to the gym and exercise and get big has just deteriorated, on top of this my appetite has not been as strong (which has made me lose weight) and even my sex drive to, I have not been masturbating nearly as much.
Right now im just bored with life you know? Not even a feeling of sadness, something worse. I would rather be sad, because at least that is feeling something. Im going to community college right now still living in the same house with the same people. My first semester of college was stupid boring, I dont even think I really learned anything. My joy I got out of video games and movies is gone. My interest in getting girls is gone. And college feels like a waste of time and money for me. I also feel alot of guilt since my parents have done alot for me and im sitting on my ass not making anything with my life. I see other people my age and younger having fun and looking forward to their future and I cant relate. Also I feel like my memory has gone down the drain, I have been forgeting and misplacing things SO much recently and for no reason to as I am not the most busy person. Is this a sign of anxiety?
No I haven't talked to my parents about these issues or really anyone else in my life. I have had issues at home however, much to long to put in this post, but to give an example I had to call the cops on my dad because he was on a drunken rampage. Im afraid im going to end up scaring my friends If I try and tell them about my disconnect to life. I have an older sister who I love but she is across the country and has two boys so having enough time to talk to her is rare. Im going to post this to a number of subreddits because I know I have not lead a normal life and really just want a way out of this mental state I have been in since middle school. If anyone can relate or has some starting steps to recovery please let me know. Dont be afraid to PM me as I am pretty lonely right now as well. I just want to talk. About anything.
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