First time poster- I feel crazy, abnormal and ridiculous

[MellyRK]

I'm very new here- just signed up this morning. I need a place where people can understand me.

I grew up in a house where my mother berated me if I did something wrong or she thought someone was upset/mad at me. I can remember her being in my rooms for hours telling me that no one liked me.

Here I am now, 36, a wife and mother and I still have the NEED to please everyone around me. Especially, those in what I perceive as a power position (i.e. boss).

Nearly two weeks ago, I had a meltdown at work and it basically stemmed from someone thinking I did something incorrectly. My boss and I have since chatted and we have moved on. The problem is that I haven't moved on. Every day and night I'm obsessing over whether or not she is still mad at me. Is she upset? Does she like me? Will she treat me differently? Reading into every facial expression and every movement she makes. Why doesn't she come over to my desk anymore? Why didn't she say good morning.

The rational part of me knows that I can't control it but the anxiety steps in and controls my mind. I'm absolutely exhausted by it. My mind has been going 24-7 since and I feel paralyzed with fear.

Why can't I just move on?

Melissa

[RoadToRecovery]

Hi Melisssa and welcome to the site!

I understand what you are going through. I have suffered with severe anxiety for over four years, a lot of it is socially related. I was a perfectionist most of my life which didn't help matters.

I also understand how scary the symptoms can be. I know how powerless I felt most of the time, feeling like there was nothing I could do when anxiety reared its ugly head. Brain fog and extreme fatigue were two of my most debilitating symptoms. It literally almost ruined my life. I felt so powerless when it struck, like there was nothing I could do about it. My brain was so foggy and confused most of the time that simple things like talking to my wife and family became difficult and extremely stressful. I nearly lost my marriage, career, and life (I contemplated suicide many times because life had become so painful every single day)

The brain fog got so bad, having a conversation with just about anyone (especially a boss or someone in a position of power) became so frightening and challenging. My mind would usually go blank or I wouldn't be able to understand what the other person was saying because I was so confused. As a result, I would usually sit in my office and ruminate for hours anytime I had to talk to my boss. She is a highly, highly intelligent woman and very critical too. I became very afraid of making a mistake or stuttering over my words and embarrassing myself. I remember one day especially, all I had to do was ask her a very simple question and explain a very simple concept, but I literally sat there and fantasized the conversation in my mind hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times...I spent my full eight hour day ruminating and working myself up over it. 8 hours. I got nothing accomplished at work and went home feeling stupid and defeated. It was ridiculous.

Have you been anxious for a long time? Are you experiencing any other physical symptoms other than the "racing thoughts" symptom? having an over critical parent is a common underlying factor for why people experience anxiety disorder.

I never thought there was a way out from this after having the anxiety disorder for over four years. However, I was very wrong and I am in a place now where I am better than I ever have been in four years. My anxiety is starting to go away, talking to people like my boss does not stress me out anymore. If I want to talk, I just walk into her office and do it. No ruminating before hand, and most of my brain fog is gone too.

I'd love to share how I have done this, but first i am interested in knowing a little more about the severity of your anxiety. Have you had this for a long time? Any other physical or mental symptoms present? It sounds to me like you may have an anxiety disorder, but I'm not sure if the severity. One thing the disorder does is it causes our brains to produce more neurons than normal and increases the electrical activity in our brains, which causes an increase in thought generation, aka the "racing thoughts".

Please write back

Jordan

[gypsylee]

Hi Melissa and welcome

I'm 43 and grew up with an extremely critical mother as well so I know how you feel. I've spent my whole life seeking her (and others') approval and it's really not something you can change rationally. Last night I sent her a text and it was a bit late so I didn't get a reply. But I caught myself feeling anxious, wondering if she was mad at me and if I'd done something wrong. It was completely irrational because the text was about how I'd had an unexpectedly good day and a nice visit with my neighbour that night. She replied today so of course it was because she'd gone to bed by the time I sent that message.

Looking back, if I'd known what I know now about her, I probably would have cut her off or at least have had much less to do with her. But she turned 75 yesterday so it's a bit late and she does have a very positive side. But yeah, I know all about trying to please everyone and the terrible anxiety that comes with never feeling good enough.

All the best,
Gypsy x

[maximadam]

Are you still here? I'm guessing you just wanted to vent your frustration as you only had that one post but lets us know how you are doing if you are still around. Sometimes it takes some painful introspection and time to overcome those intrusive memories.

[Twichard]

I know exactly how you feel i had a very vindictive mother everytime something was wrong it was me to blame it just become easy for her and my brother and sister to use me when they had done wrong it was Richard they'd say and my mother just believed them or anyone who pointed the finger at me she beat me on a regular basis for things that wasn't me mentally and physically abused me she finally dumped me in a care home all because I reminded her of my father who left her and his 3 children never to be seen again I now have nothing to do with my family I was lucky to have found a fantastic lady who became my wife I have my own family now and I love them how a parent should it's not easy to put my past behind me but I had to or I wouldn't be here today to share my experience with you good luck and you keep strong Im living proof that you can overcome it all the best