Surviving work

[Justaspekt]

This is going to be kinda long but here goes.

So back in May I asked for less hours at my job, going down to just 12 a week. I've never had a full time job. I was doing 20-25 before that. At that time I had wanted to go to school to learn to be a nursing assistant. I did and I went to all the classes and clinicals and ended up with perfect attendance. About halfway through I asked for less hours at work again and ended up with two four hour shifts saturday and sunday. My boss was aware of me going to classes all the time but wasn't that happy about it. Eventually the cna test came and I passed, all throughout the time my anxiety was killing me that day. I couldn't even eat that morning. But I passed and I was certified.

The same week, I went to the ER because of self harm, anxiety and major depression. I had to spend 8 hours there before they finally let me leave. By that point it was midnight and I fell asleep as soon as I got home. I put in my two weeks notice for my old job. I lied to them. I told them that I started working at the hospital the next day. I told them I already had the job ready and waiting. They probably still think I work there, even though I don't. I couldn't take working in my old job. I felt terrible there. I was so scared of messing up. I was so scared of doing anything wrong or getting talked down to or being fired. I would try to avoid my boss a lot times. Sometimes, I had panic attacks there. I would have them over anything from one of the managers talking to me to not sticking to my schedule exactly. (as in im scheduled until 2 but leave at 2:10 because I took too long.) I threw up once. I had a panic attack right in front of my boss once. I had obssessive thoughts while working. If even one thing went wrong I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. I choked myself about three times in a back room during my time there.

And yeah, I never even applied to be a cna at any hospital. I've had that certification for about four months now and have done nothing with it. I am too scared. I cannot be responsible for 10+ people's lives daily when I struggle just to survive my own. Over the past few months I look back at when I did the cna courses and it feels like that was a different person. That person seemed so confident and had everything planned out in their future, I don't. I'm scared of living. The thought that I might be on this earth for about 50 more years terrifies me.

So, because of all this I've been trying to get a job with animals. I have less anxiety around them. Animals don't judge you and think bad of you the way people do. The problem is that I've had trouble getting jobs with small kennels or family businesses. I don't know if I can take working in a company again. There's so much demand, so much requirement for you to be great at your job and not just okay. I was never good at my last job. But, the way things look, I might have trouble getting work in anything smaller.

With all that out of the way, my question is: Has anyone else had similar problems or worries with their jobs? Have you gotten through it? How, what helped you? I'd really appreciate anything.

[Anne1221]

I love your animal idea so you've got to be persistent. Make a list of all of the places you could possibly work or even volunteer at and one by one talk to all of them. Great idea.

[Teafrenzy]

A job with animals? That certainly would be hard to find. A vet? It is extremely tough to become a vet..at least where I live.

Why not get a pet or if you have one..get another?

As for working..no easy answers. Of course, we have a lot of supplements. Dunking your head in cold water once in a while. Breathing techniques. Perhaps a xanax for those extra tough days.

[Kirk]

You may be too hard on yourself as your boss on your prior job did not fire you, so
you must have been doing OK. Have confidence in yourself and your abilities.

[Justaspekt]

A job with animals? That certainly would be hard to find. A vet? It is extremely tough to become a vet..at least where I live.

Why not get a pet or if you have one..get another?

As for working..no easy answers. Of course, we have a lot of supplements. Dunking your head in cold water once in a while. Breathing techniques. Perhaps a xanax for those extra tough days.

I have two dogs. The problem isn't having pets. The problem is working in a stressful environment where people are always watching and judging. I feel like working around animals would be so much easier than around people. I wouldn't want to be a vet though. Sick animals would make me cry. Taking care of them is more what I was thinking.

[Kirk]

No matter where you work you will need to produce in some shape or form. Even if you take care of
animals, others will judge you on how well you are taking care of them, etc. I would talk your concerns
over with a health care professional.

[Justaspekt]

I do and she actually recommended animals since I like them so much. I see her once a week. The animal thing is all I have. At least then I wouldn't constatly have people judging me and looking down at me. When it's just me and animals it would be alright. But I can't do a big people based job again.

[NoMorePanickingNow]

When it's just me and animals it would be alright.

I can relate to this in a way. In my past jobs I would avoid dealing with situations which would set off my anxiety. My equivalent would be avoiding board meetings or any meetings with management or above. I used to always tell myself "if it's just me and my coworkers I'm fine". It was to the point where I called in sick to avoid meetings and just wrote by email. I told myself I need to work step by step to rid myself of this monkey. No one is saying you need to change overnight.

It may not be the same as you. But all I can say is that I was in your shoes back in the early 2000's and one day you'll actually be working in the big people based jobs again