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  1. #41
    Senior Member
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    Hoping you had anothers nights good rest and to another good day Salvator.

    One way around the music issues when I go through similar thing is to find new tunes. For me I prefer more ambiance than most anything else. I also went through a stage where could not handle music from my past. Although of late I've been having some good luck with refiring neurons that makes me feel good. Just remembering what it's like to feel those positive chemicals of just being young - some songs rejuvenates me but I am careful not to ware those songs out on my playlist.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  2. #42
    Thank you Ponder.

    "Refining Neurons".. I really like that

    Music stirs up so many emotions in me, its expected to have it also stir up negative emotions as well as good. I listen to just about everything so I'm always listening to new music. Almost everything and anything. Sounds Strange, one would think listening to upbeat cheerful music would promote positive emotions and dark music would have the opposite effect; not with me. Sometimes upbeat music can make me sad, and dark music bring me comfort.

    Anyways.. I'll try to focus on what's important. Today was productive and I didn't sit still for long. I would hardly say I was content and at ease though. I'll have plenty of time to write about it later if I can't reason it out and settle it withing myself before the day is over, but all-in-all, glad I didn't sit and stare at the TV all day. I think I may need to give myself a break every now and then. I won't come up with the answers everyday and solve everything. I'm very hard on myself and impatient.

    You know its taking you too long to try to word everything when the site times you out and you need to log in again (twice on this post) LOL. I've been once again typing and hitting backspace. Just can't quite find the words so maybe later.

    Might just chill for the rest of the day.

    Edit: Okay just logged out and not a second later this came to mind so I'll post it. Some days (today for instance) while walking my walk to the market and goodwill, I felt invisible again. Its manageable most of the time since I try not to draw attention to myself anyway while in public. However, today I was giving it more thought than it deserved again. I will say hello to people if they walk right by me and don't usually expect people to respond back (and of course they do not). I just see it as being courteous. On the way back home I reasoned it out (for the most part) and told myself this is how it needs to be right now, I can't handle (deal with) people right now during this stage of my recovery. I was struggling to keep my head up and maintain my posture. I Felt insecure and slightly paranoid and my body language gave it away. The dark glasses help with the eye contact problem. I really hate to say this, but I must. Walked by the liquor store as I usually do and was remembering why I used alcohol to cope. As I've said on another thread, most of last year was a blur and I was just numb. Won't go back to that again; I can't!

    Still have moments when I feel I lose a bit of time and soft of black out for moments. I take the same way back and forth so I can almost retrace my steps. Today on the way home I was having difficulty remembering every step on the way there. Mostly I can remember what I was thinking earlier when I retrace myself steps. Oh well, I've always done alright on auto-pilot
    Last edited by salvator here; 02-23-2017 at 04:00 PM.

  3. #43
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    Australia
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    The walking gets better when routine becomes way of life. I find myself capturing my tone ... as well as others when passing by. Sometimes a simply nod or smallest of gestures will do. Depends on how I and the others feel. If you keep this new and healthy lifestyle , you will notice the same people as they do you. Early mornings and evenings I find people more relaxed and seemingly in tune. I started off my walking all well meaning, but to be honest have had a mix of emotions whilst out and about that it would only be fair of others to see me as someone with multiple split personalities. It's kind of like a purging process of dealing with deeply rooted stuff that comes out when I least expect it. I'm much better now that I have kept up the challenge of walking, exercising and so on. Still happens from time to time, but now I can see it in others which kind of helps me relax and appreciate others for the troubles they too have.

    Making the effort to soften my eyes, fake a little confidence and just give a small genuine uninvasive nod/gesture helps me keep on track with regards to holding myself. Whilst doing so, the other morning some bloke tensed up and came up with a very deep "How ya Going Mate!" to which I just softly replied ... "not bad thanks..." I was pleased that I did not go all toxic to the Alpha Male Domineering body langouge and tone I was hearing when this gent projected the way he did and that even better I was comfortable with my soft response. I gained a little confidence that morning as I tend to project negatively to such ockerism as is known in our culture here when varioius people meet -

    Is hard to put into words actually Salvator ... Just saying that the nodding and saying hello can be just as healing as the walking if we go about it the right way. It certainly can be very off putting at times and why I always sort out very secluded spots before I bothered walking the streets. Picking times like 4am helped ... but in time I got better and now like I say ... most people know me well enough and in some respects, I feel respected for just being a regular waling the beat ... so to speak.

    Anyways ... thanks for the space in your thread man. Just really like the way you talked about your walking and wanted to share.

    Take care brother.
    Last edited by Ponder; 02-23-2017 at 05:28 PM.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  4. #44
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Oh [email protected]"get a room". PC is about 14yo so he's all hormonal and excited. After that post he went and had his own "hotel room" in his parents' basement HAHAHAHA.
    Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. —Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Game of Thrones

  5. #45
    best of luck to you my friend

  6. #46
    Junior Member
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    Dec 2018
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    4
    if you can keep a secret then eventually all will be left are happy memories. Merry christmass. Those are the best secrets watching people unrap presants. Lying is ok too. You make yourself through what others preseive you are too. im watching tv and keeping quiet

  7. #47
    Junior Member
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    2 Kensington Rd , rose park South Australia
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    Quote Originally Posted by salvator here View Post
    This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

    Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

    I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

    I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

    I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

    I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

    Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

    Edit:

    I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.
    Your thinking is right from your prospective but all people are not the same. You might need a reconsider you’re thought to take positivity in you. You can start from now to change your attitude, it can help you in future.

 

 

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