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  1. #21
    It takes me a very long time to read a book. I however don't read novels anymore, the last one I got through was in high school for the same reason; my attention span is short. My mind wanders to other things (not always bad things). I usually read books that are easy reads, you know, that ones that pretty much explain over and over what is going on and even go over it at the end to sum it all up Lol

    I do love coffee, but tea much more and all types. Earl Grey, English Breakfast and Irish Tea almost everyday upon waking. Orange Pecoe will work but I need to doctor it up a bit with either vanilla extract and spic, maybe some brown sugar depending. Believer it or not, the cheapest tea from the Family Dollar Store is really good with 2 tea bags. Also good made with milk and cinnamon/spice. I also do drink green tea with honey and I notice a difference in my energy and thinking ability. There are still some herbals I want to give a try someday. They are not easy to find even at the grocery store. I remember when they used to sell Kava tea and it indeed worked for anxiety, but I only see it online now.

    Anyway..

    Not much planned other than quickly walk my daily short exercise routine in about an hour. People aren't usually out at this time. I woke up refreshed after about 6 quality hours of sleep for a change, yesterday I felt spacey all day due to only 3 hours and I didn't go out at all yesterday. I can let 1 day go by without feeling guilty. Looking forward to the Grammy Awards tonight.

  2. #22
    Got so much worry inside lately, I've been keeping it bottled up and I can feel it building and building. The last few nights I been getting pain again in my lower back and and legs. It not physical, I know it's anxiety manifesting itself again, just as happened in the past.

    Its been a full month sober and my body still feels something missing, I don't have cravings in the classic sense, but I feel lost and without direction. I'm not looking for other people or a pill to give me this, I know it will have to come from me. I've mostly relied on myself to get through life and I known if I get out of my own way, I could pave a way to the future. I think I've learned all I can from my past experience and it was full of broken dreams and disappointments. I was conflicted and painful and I can't go back an get a re-do.

    Lately, I've been revisiting old memories that should have at least faded by now, but my mind keeps track of all the unresolved issues that can never be logically resolved; I need to move on and don't know how. I find myself searching for answers as to why I'm stuck but nothing seems satisfactory to answer my questions. It would be really easy to start thinking there is some spiritual cord connecting me to these old people and situations from the past, if I allow myself to, I can even feel it. I don't truly believe this though. People aren't that complex, everyone is just going through their own motions. They are not hanging on as I do to the past. Its wasted energy. Knowing that, I can't keep blaming others for my situation, it comes down to me now. It doesn't set well with me that I (still) see others moving on quite well that played a huge part contributing to me being in this situation. I've been lied to countless times and had the wool pulled over my eyes and wasn't able to face reality at that time, and yet, they're getting rewarded for their behavior and it burns me up . Because I don't know how to stand my ground, I remain almost totally closed off and would never trust people again. Maybe someday, but I need more time to heal apparently. I never wanted to become a deceiving person, my own family did that for far too many years and they have not changed at all. All smoke and mirrors and adolescent games (both word and mind games) that will not help my in my recovery. I don't stand up to them either, but I also don't play into the games either. They know I'm on them and its the elephant in the room when I have to be around them

    Still struggling each day with what I'm going to wake up to. Going to bed each night with fear and outrageous anxiety about various things. I'm still trying to push aside the looming medical bill that still have not come in yet. Supposed to go and talk to the patient advocate at the hospital to explain my situation but I just haven't had the drive to do so. It won't help and I know that - been there and done that already. I'd have to get caught up in a broken system here in the US and it won't be pretty. I've seen how that happens to people and some never fully recovered. Their lives became a revolving-door cycle in and out of the hospitals and I don't want that, if I can help it anyway. The fatalistic side of me is screaming that this is IT and its just too late, but I must fight it until my last breath.

    Ahhh.. just needed to get this out I guess. Writing here has done wonders though. I don't have any outlets in real life or (reliable) family or friends to count on. I can't change my family and its a bit too late anyway now. Group therapy only made things worse and I am not interested at all. Even AA didn't help me but that was man years ago, so I won't take it off the table.

    That's it and I've already worn myself out typing just this. In real life, it gets so bad that I became muted and paralyzed. It all gets to bee too much at times.

  3. #23
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    I don't read books either, as my attention span can be pretty bad at times too.

  4. #24
    Yeah, same here. I purchased some word search workbooks that I think might keep my mind active. After I stopped working (well over a decade ago) and just sat around, I think my mind because weaker and I started to lose my ability to think 'out of the box'. I need to get my brain work working again. I find video games helpful in moderation. I do go out almost everyday now even when I would rather not just for a short walk to the market.

    Yesterday, while at the store, I was talking to the cashier that I've known for years and years I don't feel awkward around her because she knows practically everything about me and I trust here for the most part, so I can just be ME - whatever that might be that day and she don't judge. She has so many struggles herself and is very sad and lonely, and I can very much relate. She said she will die a bag-lady and I told her I will also wind up homeless on the street. She is 64 (I think) and not a soul come to visit her EVER. Somehow we got to talking about cooking and I admitted that I don't know how to cook unless you count opening up a box of kraft macaroni and cheese and adding milk and butter HA! Or, ramen noodles and TV dinners the microwave. She offered to come over and teach me to cook. She said she don't cook either because she is alone and has no reason to cook being alone. She then said she always hoped to get married and her eyes began to tear up. She once again said she will dig out her cook books and have us get together. I walked out thinking I would be so nervous as I've not had visitors in many MANY years. I thought about it and went back in and said I'd like to have her come over and teach me some basics. I guess It would do us both good. I feel like she would be helping me, but more importantly it would make her feel useful knowing she is helping me. So I will give this a shot, what can it hurt?! We've talked so much the the person behind me in line was getting impatient with us in fact.

    So I think this was a step in the right direction.

  5. #25
    I'm even going to leave the typos, its shows I'm human with raw emotions and it reflects in my writing

    One more thing, I should be cautious, because her and her son don't speak and she's called me honey (in a motherly way), and I also don't have a close relationship with my own mother. So you see what that could turn into if not careful. I don't know that definition or word - surrogate family member or something.

    See.. I make what should be so simple and natural into something way too complicated by over-thinking everything.

  6. #26
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    Keep writing

    I have a very close friend in Europe who I've emailed constantly for 10 years. She's a Masters in Linguistics and her English is immaculate (even though her native language is German). So that keeps me on my toes and we even read books "together" and discuss them. The brain really is like a muscle which you have to keep exercising.

    Not to mention the therapeutic value of getting thoughts out of your head. You write well, Salvator, so keep at it! I often read posts even if I don't respond and there are lots of lurkers on here, so you never know who your audience is (and who you might be helping without realising).
    Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. —Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Game of Thrones

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by gypsylee View Post
    I have a very close friend in Europe who I've emailed constantly for 10 years. She's a Masters in Linguistics and her English is immaculate (even though her native language is German). So that keeps me on my toes and we even read books "together" and discuss them. The brain really is like a muscle which you have to keep exercising.
    Oh, she sounds nice.

  8. #28
    Thanks Gypsy, it is cathartic for me. I'm not educated so I just write from the heart. It must be nice to have people to write to from around the word and communicate with and she sounds awesome. Yes, I did delete a posting from last night because I said something I wanted to retract as I didn't feel comfortable. Although it would be nice to have online friends again, I've had several bad experience communicating via email only as I don't even use social media other than forums. Its hard to explain without just saying what the (specific) issue with email is and I don't feel comfortable doing so on here, so I'll just say this: if its meant to be, it will happen naturally. I could go on and deeper but I keep trying to do so only to retract it afterwards. Just not ready yet to put trust in people; maybe someday!

    Hi Martin05, hope all is well with you

    Got my morning walk in today and I was huffing and puffing for some reason today and had to take breaks. My asthma was acting up again and that didn't help. I ate a good and healthy breakfast today as well. Whats bringing me to feel compelled write here again, is, I'm way over-thinking during my walks and allowing negative thoughts/feelings to get the best of me again. I keep running that endless broken record in my mind of things people (deceitful people) told me and although their advice was mostly wrong and unhealthy for me, I find myself settling and allowing myself to almost accept it as fact/reality. It sad to admit though that much of it is likely to be my truth for my remainder of time on the planet. I think there is still 10% chance they meant well with what they said, as well as medical professionals advice I've received over the years, what they said was during times of despair form their side at time and I should've (still should) keep that in mind, but sometimes I can be more sensitive and impressible. I should consider getting headphone or earbuds so I can listen to music while on my walks to avoid getting lost in negative thinking.

    Let me start a new paragraph as I've sort of lost my train of thought again but I want to leave the above as is.

    It would be too humiliating to just admit what I'm skating around here, but I feel I'll take some things to my grave and never be able to let out things that still burden me emotionally. I will have to bury my past, as its for the best really. I've only touched on it on specific forums but even then its just a taste of what I'm dealing with. I hope someday I can (truly) move on with my life and not carry this needless baggage in my shoulders. I'm troubled by this though and I feel in some ways, the train has left the station for me and it too late; regrettably. Okay, enough of this right now as its triggering me (slightly) into a depression so I will not focus on it anymore for today. I could think about it all day and never reason it out logically, so I have to limit its time. For anybody reading/lurking, I'm sorry to be so vague at time, but I'm only human and still struggling myself. That being said.. if something I say/write helps others in even some small way, I will feel like this was worth it to me and its not just wasted typing.

    Trying to focus on the future. Still writing here in "I Can't Accept It" because I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that that world (and people) are not as it seems. Lost of smoke and mirrors to me, and I never learned how to play 'The Game'. I know its not good to just brush everything I don't understand off as "Fake". But What (really) is "Real" and "Normal" anyway?! However that is how I feel at the at this point in life. If what I'm seeing out there is normal, I'm not at all interested - I'm consider myself to be an individual and wish I didn't care so much about what others think/feel. I'm still learning and hope I can figure things out before my time it up.
    Last edited by salvator here; 02-17-2017 at 09:33 AM.

  9. #29
    But I also don't want a life of total isolation either. I don't know what to do?

  10. #30
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    You seem to have your own masters degree when it comes to writing salvator.

    Isolation is a sore point I have been dealing with of late. It need not always be that way however it's not feeling so expansive of late.

    Like you Salv ... I'm also not sure what direction to go in but one thing that I do know that helps; is to keep moving regardless of not knowing. Most of my insights come to me when I am doing/being rather than thinking.

    You got a good tone going on with your writing salvator. That and laying down one's words as they naturally come I find suits journal writing very well. Self Reflective Writing - Self Soothing. There is no education that can be given or acquired when it comes to writing from the heart. I will however give you 10/10 because of how refreshing it is to read likewise text.

    I don't know either man ... but thanks for the read.
    https://www.twitch.tv/l_plate_dave

 

 

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