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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by salvator here View Post
    This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

    Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

    I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

    I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

    I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

    I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

    Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

    Edit:

    I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.
    You cannot control other people (obviously), you can only control your own reaction to other people's behaviour. Work on just observing the world as this crazy video game you've been dropped into. It's not easy, but if something out of your control is bothering you, you have to fight all you can towards not focusing on that as something personal, aimed at you.

  2. #12
    Senior Member
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    Jan 2016
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    Thank you, spider666, and welcome to the forum

    I greatly appreciate your insight there!

    I do still feel this way (somewhat), but I will say this much, things are starting to turn-around for me slightly since last year when I posted this. I was in a dark place when I posted this. I'm nowhere near where I want to be (yet), but I feel I've made some good changes and I'm trying not to give people so much power over me as I was (clearly) doing. Again, I like your parallel between seeing life as a video game - could be helpful going forward.

    I would still love support from other members here even if for distraction purposes, if nothing else. I've decided to start off this year with a fresh outlook on things, so I've created a new thread titled: "Trying to 'Get A Grip', and although I got off to a rather rough start with it, I'm going to keep it going now as a journal and hope it will be of benefit to my recovery.

    Take good care and thanks again

  3. #13
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    Today was really rough for me. I tried to not allow myself to focus too hard and allow the feelings to pass, but I was not successful. They ended up getting the best of me and although they have (somewhat) passed, I'm still feeling raw. I was able to walk around today for about 1 hour and it was hell. I'm back here in this thread because I'm reminded each and every day how fake this world is. I would never again trust people enough to open up - not talking on this forum - in real life I'm referring to. I can no longer tell apart that fine line between truth and lies anymore. I don't fit in. I just don't! Never will! It was bad today and the worse day by far since my discharge from the hospital. I'm completely sober, and while its good to be able to put 2 thoughts together again, I'm also seeing even more ugliness, sober, than while inebriated. I don't get people. Just when I think I could give it another go and begin to be social, something always hits me and pummels me down. I was ultra paranoid all day and hyper aware of my surroundings and nervous and jumpy and it was very noticeable. As I sit here though, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy without needing people and the fake facade they portray. As hard as I try, I just can't be fake (in a fake world mind you). Its not that I'm unhappy being a longer, in fact, when I embrace the solitude and wipe it out being social altogether, I'm perfectly fine. What is getting me again, is, when I start to give in and desire to be social again, this causes me only pain and suffering and leaves me questioning everything about myself and it sucks. I didn't used to be like this, far from it actually. Circumstances brought me to this point and it didn't happen overnight, so it won't go away overnight either. I hope things change someday (sooner rather than later)..

    I'm sorry for going on and on again and not making any sense, but I just feel awful!

    Sorry!

    EDIT: Ahhh well...tomorrow's another day, must just "Shake It Off" ~ Taylor Swift
    Last edited by salvator here; 02-09-2017 at 07:47 PM.

  4. #14
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    Hang in there Salvator! I'm hibernating today reading a book again

    "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." --Jiddu Krishnamurti
    "You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." --Marla Singer

  5. #15
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    For me if I stay inside I feel worse, but if I go out and do things I feel better.

  6. #16
    hope you feel better soon Salvator! I also pray the right people come your way. Do you have family close by? I am having a tough day too...

  7. #17
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    Thank you so much guys

    Nothing at all wrong with spending a peaceful day with a good book and a cup of tea (earl grey would be my personal choice while reading).

    I've been getting out everyday and I do feel its helped me. I agree staying cooped up in the house only adds to the problem. I take a fairly safe route to where I need to go, and usually I don't bump into too many people on the walk. I want to walk everyday to get out and for the excersize, and eventually start running again. I spent most of the later part of last year (almost) totally sedentary (in bed extremely depressed), so this year I hope to regain my strength in my legs and overall balance on my feet and feel good about myself. Taking care of myself on the outside has helped me feel better on the inside.

    As far as family, I don't have a really close relationship with family; but even though this may sound strange I'm totally fine with it.

    I do hope there are still people I can relate to out there IRL, but I do have some changing to do myself. Should these people cross my path, I would need to open enough to even recognize this opportunity. I'm pretty closed off and have bad trust issues so we'll see. As I say, I'm just fine being a loner and would settle for fair weather friends at this point. I have managed to start conversations with the cashiers when I go for coffee. One things that has boosted up my self-esteem, is, 3 people commented to me lately that I seem brighter and more alter. I decided to go ahead and tell them the truth for a change, and I admitted I got sober. They said is really shows, so this supports/reinforces that positive change is happening.
    Last edited by salvator here; 02-10-2017 at 06:49 AM.

  8. #18
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    I make sure I don't stay cooped up for long but I do love staying in and reading with a cup of Earl Grey.. Jolly good stuff old chap!
    "You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." --Marla Singer

  9. #19
    Earl grey or Orange Pecoe tea for me with a couple of freshly baked scones with jam and cream! Tea anyone?

  10. #20
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    My wife reads books. I use my eyes all day for close work, so my eyes are tired, plus I probably don't have the attention span to
    read books anymore anyway. The most reading I do is for work or on the internet after work.

 

 

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