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  1. #1

    I can't accept it!!!

    This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

    Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

    I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

    I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

    I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

    I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

    Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

    Edit:

    I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.
    Last edited by salvator here; 10-23-2016 at 11:09 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    I can't offer much myself, except to say I hear ya man. Is good that you were able to share as you did, and share so well.

    Take whatever time you need. No matter how many worlds are shattered, we always have the potential to create more ... no matter how incapacitated we may be.

    Sincerely
    ~Dave.
    https://www.twitch.tv/l_plate_dave

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post

    No matter how many worlds are shattered, we always have the potential to create more ... no matter how incapacitated we may be.
    Right on
    Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. —Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Game of Thrones

  4. #4
    Sorry it took so long to reply here; been rough going

    Thank you Ponder and Gypsy

    No need to reply!

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Living in isolation is really no way to live. Their are good people out their who you can trust and get along with.
    You will find them and you will see things will turn in your favor. Talk things over with a health care professional.
    It may take time, but you must not give up.

  6. #6
    I hope so Kirk, that I would ever be able to trust people again. I want to believe there are still people out there that I can relate to, but I feel its me against a cruel world now. I'm a bit odd now and don't fit in with any group or community. Not sure, but somewhere along the line I started to view socializing as a painful chore. I do agree thought living in isolation is unhealthy and can bring on mental issues (which it is indeed done). I've become even more socially awkward than ever and I rarely even leave the house now. Don't get me wrong though, I cherish my own company and there are times (most of the time), I would not want to have to deal with people, but I started to head towards dangerous territory in this current state I'm in.

    One a good positive note, I have an appointment in 3 weeks and I do plan to tell my doctor everything I'm dealing with. I can't make any promises, but its a step in the right direction I suppose.
    Last edited by salvator here; 11-17-2016 at 09:47 PM.

  7. #7
    Well...it's been a while, and I truly wish I could say things have been better for me, but nothing could be further from the truth.

    Yep, just as expected, I never made it to the appointment, I just lied and canceled it. It gets much worse from there; though. I've been hospitalized 2 times since I've posted here and I wish I could tell you I'm doing better - but again.... I just don't have the strength to even go into it now; but I will when I can.

    I just want to say a very special a heartfelt thank you to gypsy for reaching out to me, I'm sorry I've been so withdrawn but its just how its been lately and I tend to totally isolate myself and sometimes go weeks without even speaking to anybody at all.

    I just don't have the words today, but wanted to let people know I've never forgotten the support I've received here from everyone that ever took the time to reply to anything I've written here.

    Love you all and lets just hope things somehow improve this year - Yes I do still have hope AND I REALLY MEAN IT!!

    I'll probably wind up starting a new thread at some point since this title is so negative and don't want to start the new year of on that tone.

    PS - 1 good thing that has come from everything I've gone through since you've last heard from me is I'm totally sober from alcohol.
    Last edited by salvator here; 01-19-2017 at 09:25 AM. Reason: scattered thoughts

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Hey you're welcome I totally understand the self-isolation so don't worry about that.

    That's great re the alcohol.. Hang onto your sobriety. I've had many days where not drinking is my biggest achievement.
    Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. —Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Game of Thrones

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    I am sorry to hear you are still feeling so poorly and are isolated. One good thing however, is that you are sober from alcohol.
    I hope you get back on the road to recovery soon.

  10. #10
    Thanks so much guys

 

 

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