Hello and a question

[teegee553]

Hi!

I have no Idea how to begin so Im just gonna start writing. Im having strange feelings almost every day. Its really hard to describe, I feel guilty, but I cant find a cause. I regret almost every single negative thing Ive done. Mostly I regret that Im at home all day and not doing any sports, but I dont feel productive, so I never went outside. Sometimes I even want to commit suicide cause I cant take it anymore. It all started roughly 2,5 years ago. Right now Im 15 years old, so it started when I was 12. My parents are divorced and back then I was used to live for a week at my moms, then for a week at dads. When I started having those feelings, they were always stronger when I was at my dads house. I cant tell why, Ive never expierienced something bad or horrible there. The feeling was getting more and more intense, I cried myself to sleep countless times. Then I decided to do something about it. So I moved to my moms and visited my dads house only at weekends or holidays. It went good for like a month or two, but then I started having the feeling at my moms too, and was getting worse and worse. At the beginning of grade 9, we got a new student in our class. The most people from our class liked him, so we took him with us when we went to the city. Well, we got to know him and we found out that he drank and smoked cigarettes and weed. Most of us were shocked. In our class nobody ever even thought of ever doing something like that.But he was a nice guy, so we remained friends with him. At one birtday party, he asked me if i want to go to a market (I think you could call it a black market) located in my city. It sounded pretty interesting, so I agreed. We went there the next day but unfortunately all the stands there were empty. So we decided to come back sometimes. The next day we went again, but on the way there, he asked me if i didnt want to try weed. I dont know why, but I said ok. So we went to the centre, where the most tourists are and started to look around. We actuay managed to find a dealer and bought some. After that night I started to smoke almost every 2nd day. After some time I realized my feelings went away almost completely. Later then my friend got a girlfriend and stopped to smoke, but I found new friends and continued. About 2 weeks before the holidays I talked with my mom about it. She organized a Psychologist for me, but I quit after 2 lessons because it was useless. My mom and him said its just puberty, but I dont really believe it.Then the Summerholidays came. Me and my friends didnt have any chance to meet so I didnt smoke a single time through the whole holidays. After roughly 2 months of being clean the feeling returned, and it was worse than before. I started to have a strange feeling when I was in the city in a crowd. I felt unreal, like if every sound didnt go into my ear, but around it. Everything I touched felt like im not really touching it. My head was heavy and I started to blink super fast without realizing it. I reseached a bit on the internet and came to "anxiety" and "derealization".These two terms described my feelings pretty accurately, so thats why im here in this forum.

I have no idea what to do so Im here asking you guys for help. Any idea what it could be? Feel free to ask, I will answer
Im not a native english speaker so my english isnt that good. Im not that good at describing sorry for that. Anyways, thanks for reading till here.

[Kirk]

Welcome to the forum. Your English sounds pretty good. Maybe a talk with a psychologist may help. Suicide is not the answer. You are only 15 and have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy.
Consider this a bump in the road of life that you will overcome with some assistance if necessary.

[metal4life]

Welcome Home Teegee!
No idea what it could be...
you should try searching on the internet
and maybe you find the reason/solution.

[LifeRocks!]

Teegee, I am certainly not a doctor but I have had the "derealization" feelings you are having...especially in a crowd, noisy restaurant etc. It's one of the many awful symptoms of anxiety any panic attacks. I also understand about sound going around you...that is actually a pretty good way to describe it. I guess for me it's more of a "hyperreal" or "everything sounds different" feeling. It is very scary, trust me I know!

I would recommend to see a general practitioner doc first, then maybe ask him/her for a referral to a psychiatrist that knows how to deal with anxiety disorders. I'm sure there is help for you out there just PLEASE don't be afraid to ask for it!

[gypsylee]

I still get those "derealisation" feelings after dealing with anxiety for 20+ years. I get it mostly when I first leave the house and I'm driving (especially in the daytime). It's pretty horrible but I'm much better now at just ignoring it. It's when you start overthinking that it gets worse, so I turn my music up in the car and sort of go into auto-pilot mode.

Welcome to the forum anyway

[J. Ans]

It sounds like everyone here is giving really good advice. And I'm glad that you are not smoking the weed anymore. I mean, for some chronic conditions medical marijuana can be good, but.....I used to do it & also used to drink. And I found that doing that just "masked" the conditions of anxiety (and in my case, also depression). As soon as the buzz wore off, the old feelings would return. I had more lasting help with psychology/counseling and other coping methods. and with medications, but some people don't need to take medications, they can use other coping methods and treat their anxiety just fine, like with acupuncture, regular exercise, regular meditation practice, etc. Remember that things will come up (become better). There are lots of peaks and valleys in life. the key is to remember that tomorrow is a brand new day, there is always hope to try things to help oneself feel better. And even if you "slip" and maybe not feel well for a while, it's important to remember that there is hope, that with asking for help (like you're doing now) and working on yourself, life will eventually feel more like living. You learn to appreciate when you are feeling better (after going through a bad spell)........like looking at a sunset or something beautiful in nature, you come to appreciate good, healthy loved ones more (those who bring you up and not down). You cherish things more once you have gone through dark times and then come into the light. I'm glad that you are here and asking for help and getting help, and being honest. Welcome.