Anxiety and Depression: Have You Experienced These Symptoms?

[PracticalGrit617]

I feel so guilty for not [taking] the initiative to change earlier. It almost gets to the point that I become ashamed of mistakes I have made, and beat myself down and think “if it’s so easy on some days, why couldn’t I do it back then...” I still struggle to get past it, and it’s still a roller coaster. The guilt of...things I have said in the past is real, and I try to make myself put it at the back of my mind and deal with it.

Brother, you are speaking my language! I just hashed out some dark stuff with the exact same mentality. Except, instead of putting it in the back of my mind, I had to confess it out loud, even recently telling my mom some of it. This was the type of stuff only she could understand, being that she knows my past. I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, but I knew, regardless of the consequences, it was something that she needed to know in order for me to deeply heal and put an end to the roller coaster. God's grace was all over it.

You are becoming more self aware, when in the past, you may have felt numb and possibly lived in denial. I know where you're at, because I was at that point, a year or so ago, where I sincerely regretted and felt remorse for awful things I said and did from over 15 years ago. I felt so ashamed. That shame came from understanding the reality of what I had done, the pain that I caused and the relationships I destroyed. At one point, I felt like God was drawing the filth out of my heart but I refused to let it go. I had lived under self-condemnation for years but it was only getting worse. I thought, with what I had done, I deserved hell. You know what I had to do? Forgive myself. It was the hardest thing for me to do, because I knew, in my heart, that I didn't deserve it. But God kept calling out to me, until finally, I stopped running. It's hard to let the past go. But you don't have to suffer anymore. You were forgiven, because someone already took that regret, pain, guilt, shame and self-condemnation upon Himself. That's how loved you are! Now it's time to forgive yourself. It sounds like your heart is being changed. That, right there, is the journey you need to embrace.

[stellaclark25]

I too have had to confess some things with my family. My mother was even surprised I still worry about so many things from the past. I too dwell on things that happened many many years ago. To most people it seems crazy, they can't comprehend it. But to me it almost feels like if I don't dwell and worry, that I am being ignorant and that I don't care. And I am the furthest thing from that, I care more about others than I care about myself. I still live under self-condemnation, and like you said I feel like I deserve punishment for my words and actions, even though at those times when they happened they really were not intended in a bad way at all. The way I punish myself has honestly caused me missed opportunities in life, a now missed relationship, missed times with family and friends, etc etc. Overall we are all changing for the better, it's just very difficult for people like us with anxiety and/or depression to be good to and forgive ourselves.

[stellaclark25]

Just now I was having another one of those episodes of extreme worry and guilt, and it popped out of nowhere. I was doing some thinking and somehow I reached a memory from 4-5 years ago when an acquaintance asked me and others if we wanted tickets to a football game. I said yes. The day of the game the weather was super cold and I think even snowy, and I was not in the mood to go. I told him I’d pay him anyways of course, but he was so mad that I cancelled last minute just because of the weather. One friend still went to the game. When they were there I think I texted the friend to ask something along the lines of “are you guys cold yet” or something like that. I guess that was a bit of a jerk moment, and I regret it. When I thought of it just now it was causing a weird sensation throughout my body, especially in my knees, almost like a burning sensation. Anxiety/depression isn’t fun. I felt like I wanted to share this and get it off my chest.

[PracticalGrit617]

Just now I was having another one of those episodes of extreme worry and guilt, and it popped out of nowhere. I was doing some thinking and somehow I reached a memory from 4-5 years ago when an acquaintance asked me and others if we wanted tickets to a football game. I said yes. The day of the game the weather was super cold and I think even snowy, and I was not in the mood to go. I told him I’d pay him anyways of course, but he was so mad that I cancelled last minute just because of the weather. One friend still went to the game. When they were there I think I texted the friend to ask something along the lines of “are you guys cold yet” or something like that. I guess that was a bit of a jerk moment, and I regret it. When I thought of it just now it was causing a weird sensation throughout my body, especially in my knees, almost like a burning sensation. Anxiety/depression isn’t fun. I felt like I wanted to share this and get it off my chest.

It's great that you chose to share this with us. I've cancelled with friends many times, and you know what? They've cancelled with me. Sometimes we have to learn how to be flexible. Sometimes we aren't in the mood to do things, and it's best to ask why? There are many times I've wanted to bail on plans with friends, got talked into going anyway, and had a great time. At those moments, I realize I just didn't want to go through the process of getting ready. As a female, that process can be rather extensive and filled with negative self thoughts. That's not good, obviously. But if you really just didn't want to be out in the cold, and you weren't comfortable driving in snowy conditions...offered to pay for the ticket (taking responsibility)...then there is no real reason for a true friend to be angry. Sometimes friends get irked, but that could just be because they wanted to spend time with you. How is your friendship now?

[PracticalGrit617]

Overall we are all changing for the better, it's just very difficult for people like us with anxiety and/or depression to be good to and forgive ourselves.

It takes persistence and practice to be aware of our state of mind. Sometimes we get stuck on a train of though, like a flashback, without even realizing it, until we snap out of it. At that point, it takes confidence (and persistence) to reject the negative thoughts and feelings that result. Sometimes we have to reflect on what the root of the thought is. And don't forget, you're human. Sometimes we make mistakes. When a negative memory comes up, it may help to ask if the situation is peacefully resolved, or if there needs to be restoration and healing. Have you considered speaking with a counselor?