A little story (warning it´s very boring^^)

[Danijel]

First of all i want to say hi to everyone. It´s actually my first time ever posting something in a forum (btw. Sorry if I´m posting this to the wrong topic). So I am a 16 years old guy (Yeah another one of those teenagers with their hard fucking lifes xD). I live in Vienna and I actually never had really serious problems with social anxiety till now, but i wasn´t very confident either.

A year ago I would probably consider myself just as a shy person, but I always had somehow friends around me. I can´t really remember that I ever went to someone who looks like a interesting person and just saying "Hi, whats up". They somehow came always to me (No I am not that interesting actually), I guess I just had luck. So anyway 3 years ago when I was like 13 I saw a parkour video on youtube and I thought to myself that I have to learn this. So I started with it and became better and better. I also met very interesting people through parkour and freerunning in that time. As I said I was very shy back then but in that time it somehow all was gone when I met new friends. However one of those friends who was at that time a really really good friend of mine became very addicted to drugs. We lost contact after a while because he kinda thought that I am a loser after he met his new drug friends. I actaully didn´t saw him again. He said that i was a loser and he was totally right at that time, I was very scared of new things at that time (btw. I was like 15 at that time). So I decided to flip over my whole life and just to imagine that every day is my last one. And I really did, I did things i never would have done because i was too shy or too scared. I became more confident and really enjoyed the summer last year. I did all kinds of crazy stuff, had fun and eventually the summer was over and I started my first year in High School. In that time I somehow really became depressed. It was really the first time that I ever had social anxiety this way. It just happened for no particular reason. I wouldn´t call myself stupid but i really screwed up alot of tests because I just couldn´t concentrate in class and I also had really trouble speaking in front of people. So a couple months passed that way. I eventually screwed it up and made it even worser. I thought that maybe a other school would be better for me, so I broke up that school and found another one. Eventually the director of that other school changed his mind about accepting me after months and so there I was sitting at home for a couple months and searching for another school that has a free place. I probably called over 30 schools, they all had no place left for the coming year. So I actually decided to search for a job since I have no chances anymore finding another school and also because my parents were really pissed. Guess what finding a job isn´t that easy too lol. Well as you can probably imagine I was really depressed at that time because I only heard "No" everywhere I go from everyone i see all the time. I also didn´t had contact with friends at all, I was literally doing shit for months. But there was actually one good thing. I started playing piano again after i stopped some years ago. I became really good at it actually. It was probably the only thing at that time that I really enjoyed doing. My parents never actually wanted that I go to highschool because they weren´t. So they made the situation just harder for me because they always were saying what i was doing wrong instead of helping me getting up again. I didn´t talked much at that time, the only thing that i was doing was searching for a school or a job. I went to schools talked to them but they all were full at that time, I also got denied from every job offer. I really didn´t knew what to do I turned 16 and I was doing nothing for months. I didn´t talked to people at all for weeks and just didn´t knew what to do anymore. Well eventually i got through that time and finally found a place in a school. I´ll start there in like a month and try now to talk to friends again since I was away without saying anything to anyone for like 5 months or so. I got very antisocial and have to fix this now, I started a month ago again with sports and doing fun things again. I really was scared to leave my flat for months ( crazy huh...) but now it´s getting better. I think the best thing you can do against social anxiety is to actually to do something at all. I read and watched many things to fix this problem but none of this helped me till I started to challenge myself again like I did in the past. So you just have to start doing something, it helped me getting up again. I feel great again now. It´s actaully really that simple. Wow I really sound like a little crying bitch after this story xD Sorry for wasting your time, i just felt like writting it down.

Have a nice day!

[Nowuccas]

Hey Danijel,

I suggest that you ensure that you are early enough on your first day at the new school to introduce yourself to everyone as they arrive; ask them about their interests, and tell them yours; see who you get along best with. Excuse yourself when you leave one person in order to meet another, and tell them you will catch up later, but it's important that you meet people today. Regard it as a form of therapy.

My previous post about social anxiety follows:

Go to: http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome Select "social anxiety" for free Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy. An exercise which may help you is called "Act as If." When you are in a social situation, act as if you are outgoing. Talk more; smile at people, ask questions, speak in a normal or excited tone, not a meek tone. Watch some of your more outgoing peers, and imitate the style of their social behavior. (PRETEND that you are an ACTOR, PLAYING a PART). Research shows that when you "act as if" continually, your image of yourself begins to conform to your new behavior. In this case, you will gain self-esteem and self-confidence, and begin to see yourself as socially normal, not shy. You will become more socially successful, and this will motivate you to continue your new social behavior until it becomes a habit.

A form of therapy is to go somewhere that nobody knows you, and deliberately make an utter fool of yourself: put on a paper hat, and yell out: "I'm queen/king of America!", or something else ridiculous, (make up your own - have some fun, safely) then get back in the taxi, (warn the driver of your intentions, first) or car, and leave. People will point, and say: "Look at that idiot". Or, possibly in the company of a friend, or family member, on a different train, or bus route to your regular one, call out the names, or numbers of all the stops. It will teach you that, although it isn't actually pleasant, (EXPECT MODERATE DISCOMFORT/EMBARRASSMENT) you will survive; be stronger for the experience, and the next time (should you need to repeat this type of therapy) will be considerably easier. Remember: "A fear avoided is a fear strengthened; a fear faced is a fear reduced." Regard it as your final test: once you have accomplished it, the barrier will be broken; just don't go too far, the other way! Learn to laugh at yourself, and give a big, cheesy grin when others see you do something foolish, as we all do, occasionally. It is endearing, if you don't do it too often. Use positive affirmations: for example: "I am very likable and other people feel comfortable around me".

Write down all of your self limiting beliefs; then write down, or print, in large type/capitalisation, the positive counter of them, (exact opposite) and repeat them and imprint them into your mind. Put it in a prominent position, where you will see it regularly. Most importantly: Force yourself to approach somebody and initiate some sort of communication. Start out small by asking the time, or directions and gradually go bigger. Although there are anti-anxiety medications (anxiolytics) available, these come with risks, and the possibility of side effects, habituation, even addiction, and withdrawal problems, and are unsuitable for young people. Try having a cup of "Tension Tamer", etc., or make some at home, and cool, then bottle, and drink as needed. C(h)amomile tea tastes better. As with all herbal/green teas, use lemon/lime, and/or a little sweetener (NOT ARTIFICIAL!!!) but no cream, or milk. Xylitol, or Stevia is preferable, from health food stores. Valerian has also been recommended, but some people experience "valerian hangovers". Ensure you know how you react to it, before doing something potentially dangerous, like going out on the roads. The idea is to use the above products like water wings, to provide initial, short term support, while you become proficient in those techniques.

Use a relaxation method daily, like http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mind...Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com Meditate or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga. Give EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists" or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) or YouTube EFT. Professionally instructed is best. - There is a version for use in public places, (if you want to, you can claim to have a headache, as you massage/lightly tap your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer from social anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself."

Read: Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Gillian Butler, & Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach Client Workbook (Treatments That Work) by Debra A. Hope, Richard G. Heimberg, Harlan A. Juster, and Cynthia L. Turk. from your bookstore, Amazon.com or BarnesAndNoble.com

Another forum member recommended "The Shyness And Social Anxiety Workbook"; check out https://www.google.com.au/search?cli...UTF-8&oe=UTF-8 You may be able to download it for free.

85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more along such lines is at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/e.html about social anxiety, where there is more about social phobia/anxiety. At Amazon.com enter "social anxiety; CD" See http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogS...Main-Page#1254 Those with $: up to 6 months of CBT, and group therapy with similar sufferers is recommended.

[Ponder]

Hello & Welcome to the forum Danijel.

Cool Story ... and I say that without the sarcasm my son often says to me.

You sound pretty switched on. Not that I think your a crying bitch, just bear in mind big boys are prone to cry too and it's rather quite helpful when we do.

You nailed it in your story there with finding things that make you feel good. Doing things you want to do. Getting a job is not the answer although many of us tell each other that's the ticket. If you wan't the money and it's what you want to do, then great! - go get a a job. Like you say, it's not an easy thing to do. It's not uncommon for individuals to moan and bitch about their jobs in here.

It's hard enough finding the things that we really want to do, but then it's so much harder when we have others in our lives that drag us down because we are not doing what they want us to do. I hear ya on that. Full credit to you for moving forward at any rate. Well done on that score.

We can make suggestions and offer up alternatives ... but ultimately the only people that can help themselves is themselves. That's why most of what we read may very well not be for us; at least not until we come to see it from our own perspective. It may take more years and more experience to comprehend the methods of those who've already walked a route we have not yet traveled down. Much suffering can be avoided at any rate by walking our own way ... walking a way that we feels is for us.

Whilst Nowuccas (hello Nowuccas : ) gives some good advice above - don't try too hard to "fit in" - Be Yourself even if that means you feel safe on the sidelines. There is nothing wrong with taking a back seat and in fact, nothing looks so sad as one who tries so hard to fit in. I think the drive for people to act and talk a certain way is quite damaging to general perceptions and in fact creates a sense of depression in others where otherwise none would exist.

You sound like your on the right track. I enjoyed your story very much. Just keep being yourself and choosing what feels right to you.

Nice to meet you ... Here's to wishing you all the best.
~Dave.