Hey

[Sally Skellington]

Hi everyone!

I've been on here for quite some time but I don't think I've ever posted because I've just been so nervous to. I'm a bit scared, and I'm not sure where to begin.

I've been battling depression and anxiety for quite a few years now. It all stems from my parents; they were abusive in many ways and it's something I never truly got over. I cut all ties with them last year because I couldn't take it anymore; no amount of talking would do anything. They were right, I was wrong, that's just how it was. Things got harder when I cut ties, in a sense, because I lost all trust in everyone around me. I assumed since the abuse from my parents couldn't happen anymore, that everyone else would start hurting me. It's gotten worse in the sense that a very childlike sense of me comes out sometimes, and I just want it to stop. I know it's probably due to the fact that my childhood was virtually non-existent, so I guess my mind is trying to make me have what I never did, but I need to grow up, I need to be an adult now and I need this to stop but it's such a difficult thing to do. Has anyone else had a similar experience and managed to overcome it?

I live with my fiance now, we're planning on getting married next year, but that hurts me too. I'll be marrying the man of my dreams, but I won't have my parents there, and while that's the best thing for me, I just feel like I'm going to miss out in some ways. My fiance's family is amazing and they've fully accepted me into the "clan" as they call it, but I think there's always going to be this hole in my heart that my parents left. I know I can't ever speak to them again, they'll never change and I've accepted that after years and years of trying. I can never forgive them for what they've done to me but it does hurt, more than I can explain.

Some days, I'm fine. I'll exercise, do some drawings and I'll be the bubbly, happy woman that I am, but the bad days hit like a violent storm. I'll stop enjoying anything, I'll be emotionless and I either won't sleep, or I'll sleep constantly. I'm taking medication but I forget to sometimes so my fiance has to remind me a lot.

I worry that when we have kids that I'll be like my parents. I can't imagine ever being like that, but it makes me so scared to have kids, so whenever my fiance brings it up, I just try to stop the conversation or change the subject. The worst part is that I adore children, they make me so happy and I'm so good with them, but I'm worried I can never be the mother they need me to be. I just hope I can.

I'm on a waiting list for CBT right now, I've never gone to therapy so it's overwhelming but I know I need to do it or things will never change. I had a chat with my fiance last night and he said I have changed a lot already and he's proud of how far I've come and he knows I can change just this little bit more. He's helping me in every way he can and I'm just so lucky to have a partner like him; he does everything he can to understand me and my depression and anxiety and knows what to do when they happen.

I'm starting to ramble a bit now, so I think I'm gonna leave it here for now. Might post again sometime, just a little nervous, I guess.


Thank you if you read all of this

[Nowuccas]

Hey Sally,

I believe firmly in using the form of therapy best suited to the type of disorder(s), and in your case it would be a course of EMDR therapy. Google: "therapists; EMDR; (your location)". It's quite possible that, on completing the course, you may not require further therapy, but there are at least several causes of depression, (magnesium deficiency; reactions to medications such as Advil, etc.) and anxiety may well run in families, (nature, or nurture?) and is around twice as prevalent in females, so you could still be suffering from one, or both, but at least you would know that you have maximised the chances of a successful outcome of the CBT, which, otherwise, without EMDR first, could leave you feeling that you have benefited little, or not at all.

My previous posts about depression and anxiety may be viewed at: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...510#post216510 & http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...989#post223989

A previous post about childhood abuse follows, modified for you:

One suggestion is to write a letter, expressing how it has affected your life, and what you would like to see happen about it now, then either post it, unaddressed, or have a ceremony, and burn it safely, in a metal container, and flush the ashes down the toilet, symbolically ending the matter.

A course of EMDR therapy, (* http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/q.html ) would probably reduce the negative emotions associated with your memories of abuse to more acceptable levels - the EMDR to reduce the negative, combined with the other techniques shown may be all you need, enabling you to avoid psychotherapy (open ended; can take years, cost a small fortune, and achieve little, depending on the therapist, and client). At the end of the course, discuss with your therapist the importance of SINCERE forgiveness, as a way of moving on with your life without carrying anywhere near the amount of psychological baggage as at present. I suggest that you view my previous post about forgiveness at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...ty-help-needed

Try the relaxation methods at http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mind...Meditation.htm or www.wikihow.com/Meditate

Some people are still dismissive of them, but scientific testing has demonstrated conclusively that they increase activity and may, after regularly practising for a couple of months, result in a thickening of the walls of the prefrontal cortex, and better enable it and the hippocampus to control the amygdala, which is the fear centre of the brain, where anxiety and panic attacks originate.

Give the acupressure tapping / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via http://eft.mercola.com ** or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) or www.emofree.com or YouTube EFT. Professionally instructed EFT is preferable. - There is a version for use in public places**, (you could claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage/tapping your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer the aftereffects of childhood abuse, I deeply and completely accept myself."

ABUSE: See http://www.drdrew.com/ on abuse & http://www.burstingthebubble.com/ & http://www.reachout.com.au/home.asp

Read: Courage to Heal by Paul Bernstein, & From Surviving to Thriving: A Therapist's Guide to Stage II Recovery for Survivors of Childhood Abuse by Mary Bratton, & Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Ann McMurray and Gregory Jantz, Ph.D., & Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, & The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini and Pia Mackenzie, & Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life by Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon, & "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” by Lewis B. Smedes. Get through your fear of forgiveness, from your bookstore, or amazon.com. Also: It's Never Too Late to Be Happy!: Reparenting Yourself for Happiness (The Best Half of Life) by Muriel James.

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which communication with your subconscious mind is facilitated. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could preferably seek professional hypnotherapy. If not an option, hypnosisdownloads has ones on overcoming a troubled childhood & escape emotional abuse, and/or asktheinternettherapist.com has one on re-parenting your inner child, and/or instant-hypnosis.com has one on dealing with child abuse. Professional advice is to use only 1, or 2 at a time.

[DevotedBaker54]

Hello and thank you for sharing! I'm so glad you are going to talk to someone soon. I think that will be really helpful!
I think it's great your finace is so supportive of you and helps you with your struggles. He's a keeper! I wouldn't worry about having children! You'll be a wonderful mom because of your past! You'll want to give your kids the love and support you never felt <3
Good luck with therapy and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!!