Hi everyone!

I've been on here for quite some time but I don't think I've ever posted because I've just been so nervous to. I'm a bit scared, and I'm not sure where to begin.

I've been battling depression and anxiety for quite a few years now. It all stems from my parents; they were abusive in many ways and it's something I never truly got over. I cut all ties with them last year because I couldn't take it anymore; no amount of talking would do anything. They were right, I was wrong, that's just how it was. Things got harder when I cut ties, in a sense, because I lost all trust in everyone around me. I assumed since the abuse from my parents couldn't happen anymore, that everyone else would start hurting me. It's gotten worse in the sense that a very childlike sense of me comes out sometimes, and I just want it to stop. I know it's probably due to the fact that my childhood was virtually non-existent, so I guess my mind is trying to make me have what I never did, but I need to grow up, I need to be an adult now and I need this to stop but it's such a difficult thing to do. Has anyone else had a similar experience and managed to overcome it?

I live with my fiance now, we're planning on getting married next year, but that hurts me too. I'll be marrying the man of my dreams, but I won't have my parents there, and while that's the best thing for me, I just feel like I'm going to miss out in some ways. My fiance's family is amazing and they've fully accepted me into the "clan" as they call it, but I think there's always going to be this hole in my heart that my parents left. I know I can't ever speak to them again, they'll never change and I've accepted that after years and years of trying. I can never forgive them for what they've done to me but it does hurt, more than I can explain.

Some days, I'm fine. I'll exercise, do some drawings and I'll be the bubbly, happy woman that I am, but the bad days hit like a violent storm. I'll stop enjoying anything, I'll be emotionless and I either won't sleep, or I'll sleep constantly. I'm taking medication but I forget to sometimes so my fiance has to remind me a lot.

I worry that when we have kids that I'll be like my parents. I can't imagine ever being like that, but it makes me so scared to have kids, so whenever my fiance brings it up, I just try to stop the conversation or change the subject. The worst part is that I adore children, they make me so happy and I'm so good with them, but I'm worried I can never be the mother they need me to be. I just hope I can.

I'm on a waiting list for CBT right now, I've never gone to therapy so it's overwhelming but I know I need to do it or things will never change. I had a chat with my fiance last night and he said I have changed a lot already and he's proud of how far I've come and he knows I can change just this little bit more. He's helping me in every way he can and I'm just so lucky to have a partner like him; he does everything he can to understand me and my depression and anxiety and knows what to do when they happen.

I'm starting to ramble a bit now, so I think I'm gonna leave it here for now. Might post again sometime, just a little nervous, I guess.


Thank you if you read all of this