Welcome to the Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks.
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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016

    Post Anxiety is taking the "me" part of myself away?

    *Sorry for this being so long, it's just so hard to put into words. Thank you for reading in advance if you decide to, and I hope that something heals you of whatever you have to make you be apart of this forums*

    I'm so tired of having these stupid anxious, worst case scenarios. But I can't just stop, I'm trying very hard right now. I'll give you a little backstory, almost 2 years ago now I was hanging out with my friends as usually ok. Nothing weird there. Well, we were going to trip that night on shrooms. I've done shrooms before, as well as my fair share of other stupid drugs. Well, we did just that. It was weird tho, it was like dust instead of the actual mushroom. But I didn't think much of it, and took them anyways. Well, about an hour after taking them I started to feel strange, and about 15 minutes prior I was feeling very very anxious (I think it was my first panic attack, but I didn't even know what that was at that time). I then started smoking a cigarette, got about half way through it and then felt very strange. I put the cig out, and almost immediately felt a massive headrush, blacked out, and woke up on the floor. I was tripping at this point, and everyone was kind of freaking out. I didn't know what happened, my friends said that I flung backwards and hit me head on the fridge, really hard. Enough to push the fridge actually, and that I began to have a seizure for about 30 seconds. After that, I woke up and freaked out and immediately ran to the couch and proceeding to have the worst panic attack of my life. I literally felt as if I was dying. And I laid there for hours, I didn't know what to do.

    That was the worst night of my life. After that, smoking weed no longer made me feel better. I stopped using all drugs, except weed and cigs after that night. I tried to smoke weed to make me feel better, which it always did in the past, but after that night something changed inside of me. I am a Christian, and I do feel that it was a sign from God for me to stop going down the path that I was on, but it's been almost 2 years since then. I have honestly gotten quiet a bit better to be honest. For a good 6 months after that happened, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I still don't, but I don't feel as horrible as I did. I actually went to a rehab type of place for a couple months, mainly for anxiety. It was CBT and it did help to hear from other people, there was one guy that was almost exactly like me. He smoked the same cigs, our background was basically the same, we even had the same style. Kind of sucked, because he left a couple days later. But I liked the other people too.

    Well after I got through that, I felt a little better and after about a month, I tried smoking weed again and it failed again. It makes me panic now, which really sucks because I love it. I will agree that the other drugs I did were stupid and to never do them, but weed helped me through a lot of depression and feelings of doubt. I'm not saying it's a permanent fix, but it helped me overcome social anxiety and depression. Now I have every other type of anxiety, accept social anxiety. I hate being around big groups, but I can hold a conversation as long as I don't have a panic attack.

    When I smoked, I was the loud and slightly obnoxious friend that was full of energy and wanted to do stuff. I made everyone laugh, and I LOVED that. I LOVE making people feel happy, ESPECIALLY when they were sad / depressed about something. Even before I smoked, that's who I was. I just wasn't as public about it before I smoked, it was only when I was around friends. That was the true me, I LOVE that me. This anxiety-riddled, fearing, compulsive, afraid to branch out, isolating me is absolutely NOT who I am. I'm prescribed Valium that I take as needed, and whenever I hangout with my friends, I usually take one just so that 1. It brings me closer to the real me and 2. The fact that it is an anticonvulsant REALLY helps me not to fear a seizure as much. Other than that, I only take it when I have a panic attack. I try to take half when I can. I haven't had one since that day (at least awake) and my doctor tries to reassure me that it was probably a fluke thing or that it was the drugs, but I can't seem to rationalize it because I don't know what that day will entail. I just can't accept that it probably won't happen again, it seems too good to be true.

    I'm sorry if this thread seems really negative, it hasn't all been negative. I think I'm actually starting to get better. I basically had to leave my job because I was late too many times (they have a point system). And currently, I have a LOT of compulsive thoughts. I basically have to check every single thing in the kitchen and bathroom, multiple times and make sure my cats are in before I can even think about sleep. My mom usually looks up, but I still have to check. And I have to look at everything multiple times because I think to myself "What if it's actually on?" whenever I know for sure that it isn't. I've rationalized it, and things keep getting piled on more and more from the past few months and I've always had to check because in my mind, if I didn't, then I would have a seizure the next day at work. That's enough to make me feel the need to check for hours, it scared me so much. So I told my mom I'm taking a month off to break these habits and do all I can to stop these feelings. She agreed, because she doesn't want to see me like this either. Everyone missed the old me. I didn't do everything right, but I was happier. I didn't treat everyone right either, which I realize now. I've cut down on the checks a lot. It used to take me 30+ minutes to check everything (my house is not very big, it should take 30 seconds) but now it takes me about 5 minutes. My rationalizing before was that God was doing this to me, and that it's what he wanted. But now that I think about it, there is no way that my God would WANT me to feel this scared to even do the most basic things in life. It wasn't just checking either, I would tell myself to do things like run a stop sign or stare at a car while driving. I know it's dangerous, but I felt I had to. The stop signs were one's I could clearly see if there was a car, but still. There's no way that God would want that. Now I think that my compulsions are actually the devil trying to bring me down. Which makes more sense. Sorry if you don't believe in God and all that, but I do and these are the thoughts that I have. If it wasn't for God being in my life tho, I probably would have ended my life a long time ago, before any of this happened. Years before.

    This is longer that I expected, but for those of you who read it all (if any lol), thank you. It would be great to hear anyone's advice or if you've been in a situation like this. And I hope that all of you reading this, or even if you didn't read, that you have a great day and hope that good things will come into your life!

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Xektrix - Welcome to the forum! I read your story, and I can relate. I'm dealing with my own anxiety/panic that was badly triggered about 3 weeks ago. I had no idea what was happening to me, and after the initial attack, I became not myself. I fell into a depression for a couple of days where I cared about nothing, yet I was so worried about everything. It was odd. This forum has helped me a lot in understanding myself and others. We are not alone, that's for sure! Before it got bad I was not taking care of myself. Bad eating habits (fast food, junk), no exercise and lots of coffee, sodas, tea... not good! Oh I also avoided the sunshine because here in Tx it is so hot! I had no idea that would affect me after weeks from hiding from the sun! Yikes! It should be common sense, but sometimes I'm so focused on other things, I don't think about it. I also read how magnesium deficiency will mess with one's nervous system, which was crazy to read how other people were feeling better after supplements! Not only supplements, but a healthier lifestyle! So I went cold turkey on caffeine and the junk. I've been getting a lot more rest, and eating way better. Exercising everyday if even just for a 40 min walk on the trail. Getting out and getting sunshine has helped a lot! I too battled with the whole weed thing. I love it and it has helped me with a lot, including the social anxiety! Then after this panic attack crap happened, weed was not making me feel the same! Made me paranoid, shiver and just feel anxious instead of the usual laid back comical chill person it usually made me. I too am the clown of the crowd and love to make people happy and laugh. My sister has noticed the change in my moods. I'll be ok one min and then it just comes over me. Worry Worry Worry! It could last anywhere from 5 mins to 30 and just like that I'll be fine again. So after 3 weeks of a roller coaster I can say I feel a lot better. Everyday it gets a little better. Just be good to your body inside and out. I don't take meds and have not seen a therapist. Hoping I don't have to go that route. So far so good. With help from this forum, talking with family and friends about it has also helped. I hope it gets better for you! Hang in there!
    " Everything you want is on the other side of fear..." - Jack Canfield



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