Socially Anxious in a Toxic Work Environment - Feeling Alone

[SociallyAnxious112]

I just really need to hear from people who understand anxiety disorders, especially social anxiety. Please hear my situation. I'm a mess right now and I wish so badly that I could just disappear. I'm going to make it as short as possible so bare with me.

I have severe social anxiety. Not the kind that keeps me from interacting with people because I don't let it stop me and I'm proud of how far I've come in that regard, but the kind that makes me question how I'm being perceived by others, and have the deepest and most intense fear that I'm being judged or thought of as weird or unacceptable to any standard.

So here is a quick background to my situation. I'm working at a place that was my dream job for years. I got the job last July, and after the ice broke and my coworkers got to know me (which was terrifying and awful process), things have actually been surprisingly great... so great, in fact, that my superiors have proposed to make me a supervisor.

So here's where it gets rough. I'm 29 and a girl. I have a coworker who is 60, a man, and has been doing this job for 35 years. That's longer than I've been alive. The moment I met him I've had nothing but respect and admiration. I really started to look up to this guy. He is my dad's age doing what I want to do for the rest of my life, how couldn't I see him as a total bad ass?

Well, his demeanor has started to change with me in the last few months. The superiors are telling him he is doing an awful job, and that I am correcting all his mistakes. This coworker has started to resent the living shit out of me, and as a result, has completely stopped relying on me for anything. He is cold, and down right rude to me. He talks about me to my friends. If I'm the only person in the room and he needs help with something, he will yell for someone else, right in front of me making me feel useless. He talks down to me, and when he walks away he shakes his head and huffs an aggravated sigh as if to be utterly appalled by me.

One day I dug down deep, and built up the courage to confront him. That took so much. I mean, so much. I asked him if I ever did something to upset him. I got absolutely nothing in return. A solid "nope." and a completely unchanged situation. I broke down in the break room after that. That was so difficult and so unsuccessful, I wanted to leave so badly but the day had only just started. Stupid of me to not wait until the end of the day to do it, but I wanted to get it over with or else I'd be anxiously anticipating it all day. Awful. Just awful.

I can't talk to the superiors because they will confront him about it and he will know I said something, making the situation worse.

I've spoken with trusted coworkers who have told me they've noticed the attitude towards me as well. They are supportive and it helps, but the issue is still the issue.

So I hold back my tears and struggle to stay focused while having to work side by side with him, breathing in the thick negative air. And then I cry in the car on my way home, feeling completely emotionally run down from the hours of tension I've had to bask in. And then I have panic attacks thinking about the moment they announce that I'm the supervisor. The day that I become the one who has to oversee his efforts. I have panic attacks thinking about how I should be happy, but instead I'm depressed because of this one man. Because the thought of having to ask him to do something makes me want to disappear.

I cry and I panic over one of the most amazing things to happen to my career, and nobody understands why I feel this way. Nobody understands that it isn't as simple as "well clearly you shouldn't care what he thinks" or "just don't listen to him". No one understands what I'm going through. I can't breathe when I think about it.

My husband doesn't understand either. He knows I have anxiety, and he does a wonderful job talking me through my panic attacks, but he is on the other side of this hell bubble, and I just want to hear from people who know where I'm coming from.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It means so much to me.

[brfoo]

I just have one question, please don't take it as rude. Will you let him ruin this for you or not? I don't know how to best cope with this situation. But i feel like the first step towards the solution would be to answer this question, so you have a strong base and whatever you do will be based upon that. When you are at work, please try to keep cool. Sit down, count to 10, take a few deep breaths and tell yourself " I won't let negative things in my life spoil the good things I have. I deserve and choose to be happy".

I don't want you to give up. I wish you all the strenght you need to deal with it.

[Ponder]

Understand that the kind of phobia you are talking about:
…the kind that makes me question how I'm being perceived by others, and have the deepest and most intense fear that I'm being judged or thought of as weird or unacceptable to any standard.
- is the kind that is entirely in our control. The person, who has the greatest influence over us; is ourselves. Coming to understand this can empower us focus on what matters.

So … in this light, I would encourage you, not to focus on this man’s negative “reaction” – Understand that his behavior is a reaction based on something entirely not of your doing. You have already alluded as much in your story.

His reaction is beyond your control. You have been generous in your attempt to offer a bridge. There is not much more you can do, other than choose how you yourself react. You post is a cross roads to the choices you now make.

Continuing to work with your current state of mind, is only giving in to yourself, not the man. I say it like so, because I believe you need to depersonalize the situation, by not letting the mans “ongoing reactive attitude” which is an “ongoing problem” that needs to be addressed, which brings me to your next point:
….I can't talk to the superiors because they will confront him about it and he will know I said something, making the situation worse.

First thing that comes to mind here, is that you have already approached the man. In his mind you’re already a target. It matters little what he thinks when it comes to addressing your own state of mind. Work place ethics alone, would dictate that you approach HR/management to address issues which from what I am reading, borders on work place bullying. This responsibility can also be shed to those of whom you have said are noticing his behavior also. Like you said – you have the support.

Having to return home after a day at work in tears, because of what transpires at work … is not work. Performance will no doubt be affected. There are many angles in which to have this situation addressed, but none will matter, if you are not prepared to deal with what matters most:

The kind of problem to which seems to be your predisposition:
…the kind that makes me question how I'm being perceived by others, and have the deepest and most intense fear that I'm being judged or thought of as weird or unacceptable to any standard.
You have here, an opportunity that is worth much more than your job. I hope you are able to make a choice that sees you understand that it matters little what others think, but the one whom at the end of the day, jumps in the car and puts tissues to hand.

I truly hope you make a stand – Go and explain the situation to those that matter.

Depersonalize and see as no more than a reaction to something outside your control – tell admin/HR – what you have expressed here. No matter what their reaction – know that you have done all that you can, and once again – Depersonalize the situation and let the man do as he must. If anything, if he cannot show the courage you have done already, he will become his own undoing.
_______________________________________________

Best way I can see things. You seem like a good person that just wants to keep working in peace. Forget the labeling of ones issues as well. I understand all about that myself … I just know how much more beneficial it is to focus on what matters.

You can beat this … once you know how to focus less on another’s reaction and or see it as such, the easier it becomes to choose how we allow ourselves to feel. It’s not even about “Him Vs You” – whilst I appreciated the context there, letting go and seeing his behavior nothing more than a reaction to something outside your control, make the man more a victim than anyone else. Like I said … it’s an empowering way to think/listen and observe …

Making posts like these, helps us to reevaluate and see things differently … Your compassion is what makes you strong … you don’t need to soldier on. You just need a little encouragement to focus on what matters. You are well respected for such a virtue.
_

I know it's easy for me to say ... I only wish I could of seen like so back in the day, like I see now. I walked out of a LOT of jobs without trying as much. I refuse to work under such toxicity.

Best wishes.
Dave - another old crony who often reacts.

[SociallyAnxious112]

Thank you both so much for your heart felt responses. You're absolutely right. Both of you. I can't let this one man ruin this great moment in my life. And his reaction to this situation is entirely out of my control. You're right. I needed to hear these things. I can't thank you enough for really sitting down and taking the time to write back to me. You've helped me quite a bit. Thank you.

[Ponder]

Welcome to the Anxiety Forum

[The Intolerable Kid]

I had almost the exact same situation back in 2007. I had started at the bottom and been promoted to supervisor. There was a gentleman in his 60's that resented not only me, but everyone else working there. He was the kind of person where the problems were always everyone else's fault (he got calls from debt collectors at work, which would send him into a rage.) Despite his age he had a very immature outlook on life. He signed up for US Cellular and then said they were the worst company in the world because they cut off his service after he didn't pay his bill.
It was the same in his attitude toward me. I had more seniority at the company, I had done every job in the department (he had not) and I had worked hard to get promoted to supervisor. He thought it should have been given to him, even though his attendance was bad and he had already quit the company only to come back a couple weeks later and beg for his job back (which he got.) So he more or less openly despised me and tried to undermine me whenever he could.
I just had to develop thicker armor to compensate for how this magnified my anxiety. It was already a very high pressure job and I didn't need someone throwing a tantrum because creditors were after him. BUT it was hard to hire people for that department and those hours so I absorbed his insults and "fought back" the only way I could, by doing as good a job as I could.
After about a year of putting up with him, one day he shows up to quit again - his big drama move. He demanded that he be put in charge or he would walk. I had already filled out his departure forms long before this and tucked them in his file, so I immediately took them out and put them on the desk.
"If that's what you have to do," I said. "Go ahead and sign here and here."
He did and I filed them with Human Resources straight away. He didn't even work his last two weeks, he cut it short which was fine with me. I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted as I drove home that night. I felt exhilarated. I hired a nice, intelligent kid that replaced this man he he did a great job.
So don't think things can't get better. Sometimes ornery folks like this take themselves out of the equation with their own self righteous drama. Naturally a month later he was back, asking to get re-hired again. I had noted in his papers that he was not to be re-hired this time. Last I heard he got a job at a similar company - and had been fired for not showing up.
If nothing else, since this fellow is in his 60's, perhaps Father Time will take care of the problem for you and he'll simply retire at some point. Don't let him wreck your career, I suggest patience in this scenario. It's also ok to break down, just don't let any of your workers see it. Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? Tom Hanks' character has a stress induced breakdown moment, but he goes off alone for it and doesn't return to his men until he is composed again.
Good luck to you. I am fortunate - these days I don't conflict with any of my employees, they're all great people. I hope the same becomes true for you.

[HookTheCodfish]

REPORT IT ASAP, before he manipulates your boss into firing you. That's what happened to me when I didn't report an elderly worker who was harassing me passive aggressively.

Unfortunately this is common, because old folks who've worked the same job for decades tend to get special treatment from the bosses and can get away with horrible behavior that a young person would get fired on the spot for. But even so they still might do something if you report him, or at least won't believe him when he tries to spread more lies about you.