Anxiety-OCD/ROCD/HOCD forming into Depression after Breakup

[theknowing]

Hello all,
I am a 19 year old male who has been suffering form obsessive compulsive disorder, as well as some bouts of generalized anxiety and depression. Throughout my life, my obsessions included ranged from hand-washing, tapping objects or doing other rituals to prevent "bad things" from happening.
Recently, I had entered a relationship with a girl who I believed was my soulmate. A girl who was like no other, and I had honestly loved her with all my heart. I had no anxiety for a good 3 months, until I saw her texting another guy, to which she said "I needed someone to make me feel beautiful, you stopped doing that". This KILLED me. I thought I had always given her my all, with gifts, surprise dates, affection.

Anyways, she also informed me she was doubting her feelings, which made me spend a good week crying myself to sleep, and she would give me cold responses. Eventually, she apologized and came around, saying she regretted it all.

After these incidents, I began having extreme anxiety around her. I OBSESSED whether I really loved her or not 24/7. So much that I had nausea, tension headaches, and everything in between when I was with her or not.

Now, were about 4 months into the relationship, and nothing is improving. I cry to her in the car, expressing my doubts and extreme ROCD- NOTE: I always reminded her this was not my true feelings, simply anxiety and I promised to love her my best throughout it. Well, different anxieties bloomed. I began experiencing HOCD, and an obsession of my past experiences where I experimented with my sexuality, and this only grew worse, and I HAD to confess it all to her.

I spent every day from Thanksgiving until recent (breakup) obsessing over all of these thoughts. The break-up did not help them either because now I feel guilty and terrible as I feel like my anxiety was the cause- to which she told me "your anxiety and all of the stress made me lose feelings for you". I am extremely heartbroken as she was "the one".

Currently, I am in therapy. I have been experiencing different obsessions now. I keep having flashbacks of prior incidents in my life and create an extreme amount of guilt for them.
For instance: In a different relationship where I was cheated on, I had actually been friends with a prior ex, and texted her frequently. I did very much like my girlfriend at that time, but I remember that i flirted, or so i think, with this other girl. My anxiety also is making me feel like I used this girl for sexual favors, and my mind is racing. I feel like a terrible guy. Believe me when I say, I would never EVER cheat. I am genuinely a guy who is true to his girl, who never would flirt, Im not sure if I did but I cannot forget this guilt. I don't have motivation to workout, eat right, or sleep as I used to. I used to be the most lively person about 6 months ago. But every day it just gets harder.

This is my story. I am in so much pain. Please help me

[brfoo]

There is no recipe for this. Bu you are not terrible. Stop hating yourself, please We are not perfect, no one is. You will overcome this. You are over analyzing. Sometimes you just need to let life flow, and beleive me you are going to live through this. Let this be an experience you learned from and that will make you stronger. It is good you receive therapy.

Let yourself have one hour of peace. Just lie down to your bed, muscles relaxed, let these things go, you can't change the past,, so let it just go away. Listen to some meditation music or guided meditation to clear your mind. Let yourself rest a little. A fresh mind can see things more clear than a tired one. And you deserve to have a little rest after this heavy week.

Some meditational videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o94tvFUttco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0EQEiecSxs

I really hope therapy and time will help! Please give yourself time to relax and develop.

[Pinky Koch]

our experiences is similar.

[mindglobe]

You don't have to criticize yourself.

[tmex]

my experience was different tho

[dublinguy]

i know how u feel. i recently got dumped after my x spent a whole day with her x.

[Topaz Emerald]

you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. The reason your prior relationships didn't work out was because those girls weren't meant for you. If you start putting yourself first, meaning do things that make you happy, then you will get better. Years later, when you find "the one", you will look back and say what the hell was wrong with me obsessing over my breakups and exes. There are a lot of people who are in your shoes, but if you don't put yourself first before them, then you will keep digging a bigger hole for yourself. Be happy with yourself first. Then only can you even contemplate dating another girl.

Advice on dating: I am not relationship expert, just a married 35 year old woman who met her soulmate at the age of 19 years old, the same as as you. But when you meet someone, you have to feel a physical and emotional connection to that person, if you don't feel it right away, walk away from him/her. You both have to feel and think the same way, meaning just being on the same page. If this doesn't happen, walk away. It's not worth the trouble. You have one life, and you want to make the best out of it. Don't make life more difficult for yourself if you don't have to....