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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015

    Sexuality denial or anxiety/hocd?? **urgent plz answer**

    I'm a teenage girl currently going through confusion and anxiety over sexuality. I always thought I was straight, but now my mind has convinced me that I'm not. I truly do not want to be lesbian or bi. And I have nothing against those of you who are, I just want to live a heterosexual lifestyle. And please don't say what's wrong with being gay because I know nothing is wrong with it I just don't want that.*Until this summer, I was hundred percent positive that I was straight. 'Since I was young, I only had crushes on guys, fantasize about them, and would grab my pillow and pretend I was kissing one. Never once have I questioned my sexuality before. During this summer, my anxiety triggered when I randomly selected a video of a popular youtuber coming out. It also triggered when my mom and I were joking around, and I bit her leg as a joke. She then looked at me and asked if I was gay. I was kinda startled and scared when she asked that because I couldn't believe she said that. It even offended me a little bit, since my mom told me how she would bite family members herself when she was young. Plus, biting is something I would do growing up. P.S. I know this sounds weird please don't judge... and I'm not joking about this.**

    Up until this summer, my mind has been telling me that I'm gay or planting this seed that I need to come out. Each day I check on the internet to read signs about homosexuality, but I just don't seem to fit the description. I feel so confused right now. It's like I don't know if I'm gay or not. I think deep down I'm straight but all this confusion is making me think otherwise. To be honest, being straight seems so natural to me, to be anything otherwise is just uncomforable.**I believe my family would accept me if I was gay, even though it wud be hard. I keep checking on the web to see if this is normal, and found i could be suffering from**HOCD.I believe i have it, but i worry i could be in denial. Sometimes I watch porn and have felt aroused to lesbian porn, but i also get aroused by other porn. I did stop watching porn due to my confusion about my sexuality. However, i recently started back watching lesbian porn but wasnt that intrigued by it like I use to be. Also, I've taken many sexuality quizzes, including the Kinsey Scale, and all my results were Heterosexual. My mind constantly thinks I could be lesbian, which I don't get nervous about anymore. And it worries me that I don't get nervous about that anymore. I do feel uncomfortable about the thought of being lesbian feel the need to push it out of my head. Sometimes, I feel like if**I sit, talk, or dress certain gay manner, then i need to change it. I don't believe being a lesbian fits me, and if I happened to be with a girl, i would end up feeling more like friends than lovers.My family says I have a tendency to worry about stuff. I am currently crushing on a boy but I don't have intense feelings for him or get nervous around him which concerns me because I've read that other lesbians or bi people have dated guys in the past but haven't had intense feelings for them. Before this all happened, I was never concerned about this and my feelings for boys were so intense, but now my sex drive has kinda decreased. Let me emphasize that I hope this is something else and not me actually in denial of being a homosexual. The thing is being straight feels natural too me and I probably know deep down that I'm straight but my mind is trying to convince me that I'm not. Please be nice about it. I'm really worried!****
    P.S.**Im nervous because I'm not as panicky like I use to be, and fear this is me accepting myself as a homosexual when i don't want that. Is this normal. Am I or do I sound straight?*

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    It does sound like some variation of OCD is present.

    If sexuality if your obsession, proving to yourself that you aren't gay or bisexual is your compulsion.

    Do you have a counsellor at school that you could talk to? The reason I ask is that I too had OCD, and it can really spiral out of control if it isn't reined back in.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Hey cece_jome,

    I'll say it. you ARE NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. How do I know? We can cross out being a lesbian because you have been attracted to guys in the past before. Bisexual? Hmm possibily but I'm willing to bet you aren't because you never thought much about it until recently. Usually most homosexual/bisexual know since they were young that they were different. It's not something that happens with just a random thought or someone telling you that.

    Yes it's completely HOCD. Here's how it works. everybody from time to time will have negative/scary and disturbing thoughts...we can't control our thoughts. It's part of being human. A scary movie, incident, conversation, random idea,etc anything can trigger an intrusive thoughts. Happens eventually to everybody in the world. Now most of the time we'll usually not pay much attention to it and we go about our daily lives. But when we actually give it attention, and react negatively to it. It becomes a problem. When you try hard to push the thoughts out of your head and worry about it...then it just pops up even more. If you try to not think about something your mind has to first think about what it's supposed to avoid. That's a defeating process.

    What's happening with you is that you got the idea of "being gay" from videos and your mom. You questioned if you were gay or not and you are scared to lose your sense of identity or who you identify yourself as. Happens to everyone. OCD is normal. It's not an illness. Happens to everybody.

    Here's what you need to do.

    1.) Forget about sexuality. Stop questioning if you are gay or not. Straight or not. Stop trying to force yourself to like guys or girls. I promise it will resolve itself. Just carry on with your normal routine as you did before. Just live life. Overtime as that thought distances itself from your head...you will be back to normal.
    Sure the thought might pop into your head from time to time. The worst thing you can do is to try to get rid of it, fight it, distract yourself away from it. Instead just listen to the thought. No thoughts are really bad or good until you interpret it as such. It's really just that...a thought. Just sit with those thoughts and observe them. As you go about your day, life on its own will distract you. The main key is that you don't try to distract yourself from the thoughts on purpouse. when they come...just know they'll leave on their own. Nothing is permanent. Just listen to them and put your focus on them until they pass on their own. Overtime they'll disappear. when you begin fighting them....you make it worse. It's like quicksand.

    2.) No researching. Stop reasearching if you are gay or not. Really stop it. Easier said than done. But with little self control...stop researching it. Nothing you will get out of it. Stop watching about "coming out" videos....that will just make you worry more. forget about this subject. In time you will go back to homeostasis. The more you research about it the longer, these type of thoughts stay stuck in your mind and causes more worry and anxiety. There is no benefit from this and it's a BIG MAJOR step everyone with anxiety needs to do. Researching makes it worse.

    3. ) Stop watching porn!!! There's many instances of porn causing hocd. How it works is when you start off and watch porn...the slightest thing might arouse you. Overtime, you build tolerance and the videos that once aroused you wont arouse you anymore and so you build tolerance to it so you look for more "extreme" hardcore videos to get off to. That's how straight men end up watching "tranny" porn and women watching "gay" porn or weird "fetish" porn.

    Check out Your Brain On Porn for more info about porn and how this works. Porn is like a drug...it affects the Dopamaine in the brain and watching more "extreme" videos releases more dopamaine...causing an addiction and weird fetishes just like drugs. Forexample at first you wont need much to get high from heroin but overtime you build tolerance and need BIG doses. Same with porn. Many documented cases of people like u with hocd from porn. Stop watching it. If you can't theres a problem. That's porn addiction. Something else you need to handle.

    Hope that helped. Just my two cents
    Last edited by Defeat Panic; 12-29-2015 at 03:45 AM.



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