Went to a job interview and need help, please.

[elasticgirl]

I have a degree in Massage Therapy, and while in college, decided that it was too many people for me to handle. I graduated just to show my weekly panic attacks who was boss, and then decided to become a nanny. I have found that throughout my life, the cashier jobs only last three months, max. This is why (after three fails in college due to me dropping out from the anxiety) I decided to do therapeutic massage. (Really should have thought about that one more.)

All of this to say, I am in the position of really needing to support my boyfriend and I because his business is really not doing well. I am worried that I won't be able to make the student loan payment for the MT degree, and on and on.
So I must get a job.

Well throughout college I had been a nanny and did fairly well with children and I had many pleasant experiences with this field. Children never cause me anxiety, unless they are with me in public acting up, which is a virtual nightmare to deal with. (Especially uncontrollable kids, argh.) Anyway, I had been through about 8 or so nanny interviews in the past 7 years, with most of them being immediate hires, so I knew what to expect.

I drove into the neighborhood of half million dollar houses and started sweating. Pulled into the driveway and was greeted with a beautiful lady in what appeared to be very expensive clothes. Think the Kardashians. Dream nanny job. Probably great pay and lots of opportunities.

I got through the first interview about a week ago, and it went fairly well, except I froze up whenever the dad came around. I don't know what it was about him that creeped me out. It just made me want to be very, very quiet. Followed by shaking, followed by me coping by fiddling so they didn't know I was shaking... argh.

Somehow I was asked to come over again for a second interview. I was playing and getting to know the child. We hit it off really well, the little dude was precious. Then he blurted out that they are taking me out to lunch. I dropped the toy, and snatched it back up with shaking hands.

Well, I had to decline because the odds of me having a full blown panic attack were getting really high at this point. She furrowed her brows and asked why. I couldn't be rude and just say "Because I hate IHOP" I had to tell her that I had a mild case of social anxiety.

Unfortunately for me, she has a sister who has debilitating anxiety. I consider mine a shade less severe since I'm able to go to interviews. She began to come up with situations where the child would be at the country club pool and he starts screaming and being a 7 year old child. She asked what I would do. I said I would probably tell him that if he didn't behave, I would call his mom. This was apparently the wrong answer, "because," she said, "I think it is going to be very embarrassing for you and what happens if you have a panic attack while with my son?" I said I would definitely take responsibility for the situation and take him home to play until I was feeling better. This discouraged her even more, as she probably felt that her son would not get to experience social situations enough.

I so understand why she didn't feel that I was a good fit for the job, and I would want a child of mine to go to the pool every other day at the country club too. However this is just another fail for me. I hope that one day I do find a good job considering that I have pretty extreme agoraphobia. Usually nanny jobs are just stay at home and watch the kids until parents come home. I suppose it is healthier for children to be out around other people though. Perhaps if I had been exposed to more positive social environments as a child I would be fine?

My boyfriends seems to think I should ave lied about social anxiety and risked having a panic attack at IHOP. But what happens when the mom feels deceived later, when i tell her a week in that I had to take her child home from the pool early while mascara runs down my face?

(Too add extra fun, she ended up notifying my nanny agency and my account was closed the next day. I emailed them to ask why (Care.com) and they said they had a right to close my account for any reason without telling me why. This was the equivalent of being fired IMO. It took an entire day for it to sink in exactly what she did to my career. I had excellent reviews, great history, all recorded on the site etc. And with a simple email, she obliterated all of my chances of finding a nanny job in the future. Maybe I'm wrong. But it takes years to build up a reputation as a nanny. It makes me angry that she could do that to me simply bc she pays for a premium membership.)

Thoughts on this are greatly appreciated, as no one I know seems to have agoraphobia. I'm looking for advice, comfort, or support.
Thank you all.

[Anne1221]

You did the right thing. It would have been worse if you had taken that job, and then had a panic attack. That woman would have been infuriated that you did not disclose that to her from the beginning. I don't see why you can't open a new account (maybe change the spelling of your name??) and start over. It should take you no time to build your reputation up again. In the future, only accept nanny jobs that don't require you to risk having a panic attack. (not everyone belongs to a country club). Consider the fact that you had a bad gut reaction to the dad as a sign this wasn't the right job for you.

[gadguy]

You did the right thing. It would have been worse if you had taken that job, and then had a panic attack. That woman would have been infuriated that you did not disclose that to her from the beginning. I don't see why you can't open a new account (maybe change the spelling of your name??) and start over. It should take you no time to build your reputation up again. In the future, only accept nanny jobs that don't require you to risk having a panic attack. (not everyone belongs to a country club). Consider the fact that you had a bad gut reaction to the dad as a sign this wasn't the right job for you.

I agree with Anne on the gut reaction to the Dad...always go with your gut...having anxiety makes us over sensitive...but on the plus side I think we can see/feel when everything is not what it appears. Best of luck to you.

[Fahrenheit]

I have a few thoughts, here. I think, on principle, it is good that you were honest about the anxiety, but in this case the cost was too high (through no fault of your own!) And, unfortunately, the fact that some people may respond this way to your condition is something you have to factor in when weighing whether to disclose or not. I think, given what happened, I would wait to disclose your anxiety until after trust has been built, because it is totally unfair and ridiculous that she called care.com and your account was closed. If she felt uncomfortable with it, then, yes, it is her kid, she has the right to turn you down. But anything beyond that is wrong, in my opinion. I think you could have emphasized to her that you have a long track of excellent nannying and good reviews despite your anxiety. Given how she reacted, I don't think it would have made a difference, but in the future, I would emphasize that.

The other thing is your gut reaction to the father. I think you should trust that, and maybe shouldn't have taken the job anyway. I also think there is a way for you not to immediately disclose your anxiety without also misleading the parents. You don't owe them that information immediately, especially if you were unsure about whether you even wanted the job. I think it would have been perfectly ethical to just finish the interview, go home and think about whether the anxiety that the father causes and the fact that you would be expected to go out in public a lot would affect your ability to perform your job. If you concluded that yes, it would, you could turn down the job and if they ask why, just say 'It was not a good fit for me' no obligation to explain further.

You are clearly a good nanny, and it is a shame this interaction went south. It also sucks that you loved the kid, but the parents were the problem (and I really believe they were super problematic here). How have you dealt with your anxiety with past families? Have they typically known about your anxiety? If so, consider that they can be resources not only as reference on your online profiles, but as clients who can speak directly to how you were able to excel without your anxiety becoming an issue. They can both talk directly about it to future clients who express concern about it, and also just tell you what their experience has been regarding you anxiety, so you can pass that on to the potential client. That way, if someone brings it up, you can say, 'I appreciate your concern, and in fact I have worked with many families without any trouble' and then give specific examples for what people have said about their positive experience with you, and then offer to connect them with said clients.

You have a lot of strengths, so I would play on that, and if you have the feeling a certain family just won't be able to handle or understand that...let them go. Don't give them the opportunity to destroy your reputation like this lady did. :/ You have the skills, so you want to work with a family were there is mutual respect. I think you owe that to yourself.

Also, have you considered contacting your previous clients to ask if any of their friends need a nanny? That was you will already come recommended by a trusted friend.

Good luck, and sorry people suck sometimes. That is on them, not you.

[elasticgirl]

I have a few thoughts, here. I think, on principle, it is good that you were honest about the anxiety, but in this case the cost was too high (through no fault of your own!) And, unfortunately, the fact that some people may respond this way to your condition is something you have to factor in when weighing whether to disclose or not. I think, given what happened, I would wait to disclose your anxiety until after trust has been built, because it is totally unfair and ridiculous that she called care.com and your account was closed. If she felt uncomfortable with it, then, yes, it is her kid, she has the right to turn you down. But anything beyond that is wrong, in my opinion. I think you could have emphasized to her that you have a long track of excellent nannying and good reviews despite your anxiety. Given how she reacted, I don't think it would have made a difference, but in the future, I would emphasize that.

The other thing is your gut reaction to the father. I think you should trust that, and maybe shouldn't have taken the job anyway. I also think there is a way for you not to immediately disclose your anxiety without also misleading the parents. You don't owe them that information immediately, especially if you were unsure about whether you even wanted the job. I think it would have been perfectly ethical to just finish the interview, go home and think about whether the anxiety that the father causes and the fact that you would be expected to go out in public a lot would affect your ability to perform your job. If you concluded that yes, it would, you could turn down the job and if they ask why, just say 'It was not a good fit for me' no obligation to explain further.

You are clearly a good nanny, and it is a shame this interaction went south. It also sucks that you loved the kid, but the parents were the problem (and I really believe they were super problematic here). How have you dealt with your anxiety with past families? Have they typically known about your anxiety? If so, consider that they can be resources not only as reference on your online profiles, but as clients who can speak directly to how you were able to excel without your anxiety becoming an issue. They can both talk directly about it to future clients who express concern about it, and also just tell you what their experience has been regarding you anxiety, so you can pass that on to the potential client. That way, if someone brings it up, you can say, 'I appreciate your concern, and in fact I have worked with many families without any trouble' and then give specific examples for what people have said about their positive experience with you, and then offer to connect them with said clients.

You have a lot of strengths, so I would play on that, and if you have the feeling a certain family just won't be able to handle or understand that...let them go. Don't give them the opportunity to destroy your reputation like this lady did. :/ You have the skills, so you want to work with a family were there is mutual respect. I think you owe that to yourself.

Also, have you considered contacting your previous clients to ask if any of their friends need a nanny? That was you will already come recommended by a trusted friend.

Good luck, and sorry people suck sometimes. That is on them, not you.

Thanks for giving this so much thought. I had been very successful as a nanny because the children were usually at home. This situation was going to be a challenge, and I knew it from the first interview because of the child's busy schedule. I just didn't realize that declining lunch was going to upset her so much. I felt that I needed to apologize almost because she was clearly very distrustful of people (from what I heard of her past experiences with interviewing nannies who fled the scene when she told them she was going to do background checks.) It is easy for me to feel obligated to explain myself to people who do not understand. I probably shouldn't have sacrificed my career to do that, though. I had no idea it would have repercussions to this extent. I'm still stunned that she did that. The problem is I moved recently, so the references I have now live too far away.

I will not give up, though. I am going to spend some time relaxing and recovering from the bad experience so that it does not turn into this anxiety cycle for me. I know from experience that if I try again while still feeling that I have failed in some way, I do not get the best results, and I risk it turning into this pretty bad panic attack loop that revolves around interviews in general. Don't worry, I bounce back eventually. : )

It was good of you to remind me that I must respect myself, too. This is good advice for anyone with these type of challenges. We really are just as valuable as anyone else!

[halmat]

As a former agoraphobe who lost many things - jobs, relationships, self esteem - I recommend that you work for now in a job that poses the least stress while you work on recovering from this dirty rotten condition. If you like working with children, think of applying to group homes for kids with disabilities. The best thing about that kind of work is you have the support of others working in the place. Such work is stressful, yes, but the rewards are great; helping others is a good thing to do when you are struggling with your inner fears. You just need to work where you have support.

I don't like the idea that you feel pressure because your boyfriend's business isn't doing well. Your emotional well being is the most important part of this whole thing. Take care of yourself first.... because if you don't, nothing is going to work out well. I worked at a friend's nanny agency (Heartland Nannies) for awhile and learned that such work is stressful for all who enter into it. The work sounds good on paper, but there are so many variables that someone with panicky tendencies is well advised not to go there. I heard some real horror stories about young women unable to cope with odd family dynamics and unexpected circumstances. When you overcome your agoraphobia you can get into a field designed for you. Perhaps social work would suit you. I was a mental health social worker for 17 years and found the work to be immensely rewarding despite the difficulties of helping people improve their lives.

I recovered totally more than 20 years ago and have a website devoted to helping folks defeat agoraphobia - unagoraphobic.com - with lots of advice and tips to begin a recovery plan. It sounds like you have a good attitude and the smarts to take care of this. Start a journal and begin doing research into the brain science behind panic attacks. The more you know the easier it will be for you to gain your freedom. Best wishes.... Hal Mathew