hypochondriac - maybe my story and thoughts help you too.

[axxietynotforme]

Hi Everyone:

This is just my story and my thoughts so please dont think that I am this is you AT ALL. I am just sharing my thoughts and emotions for the first time and many of you have helped me on this forum and I hope I can do the same ,,,, even if for 5 minutes Ill take it ... Thanks

Where did it begin?
Today is December 4th 2014 and somehow I can write this. Finally! Why today ? Because tonight I realized I am so fed-up with being a hypochondriac and I want to share it with all those in pain, that pain that only you and I can understand. That suffering. That worry . That deep hole within you that no one sees through your beautiful smile.

I don’t remember how I became hypochondriac. I was physically abused by my mom all my life. Sometimes I think that may have triggered it. Obviously that meant I grew up with issues. Then I got into partying and I ecstasy was the pill that took me out of my miseries in life that I had placed a cap on for the longest time. The hurt, the pain , the uncertainty of my childhood. So maybe my hypochondria started there? Or if could be the time I saw my grandma at 13 sitting infront of me and she was so ill, we had Drs at the house and she had nomore veins left and so they had to put the IV in a vein underneath her nail and she was about to scream of all the pain , but then she saw me looking and while they were poking this needle underneath her nail, she gave the most angelic and humble smile. But it could have also begun when my aunt got cancer. I watched her go through chemo , double bisectomy, lose her hair, her nails, lose everything that represented a woman.
I will never know where it began and you will never know either. It does not matter where it began, what matters is that you overcome this time consuming and mind consuming phobia.
I have had it all: brain tumour, ovarian cancer, heart attacks are the new one and I am having one everyday supposedly. I was going blind I was sure, I had skin cancer and I can tell you I had ALS as well.
I know we all have a list as ridiculous as this.
It is okay, but it is so not okay at the same time.
Tonight is Friday and all my friends are out and they want to meet and I have anxiety and heart palpations and I decided to stay home. I ordered some pizza and while having my dinner, all I could think of is my heart and the heart attack.
On a sidenote I should tell you I have a Samsung phone that checks your pulse. If I told you I don’t check my pulse 20 times a day I would be lying. So yes I ate dinner, I got my favourite pizza, and I had my favourite show on. Did I get any of it ? NONE ! I didn’t taste my food , I didn’t hear the show nor did I enjoy my Friday night. Did I relax atleast ? no , because I was in panic that I am going to die of a heart attack.
2 weeks ago I got an ECG monitor that I had to wear for 24hours – the results were fine – I had to record everything I did and that night I did everything and anyting that I do usually that increases my heart rate( no I don’t touch ecstasy anymore- that was a phase when I was in my early twenties), but still I am panicking . Because I take thyroid pills and I think its probably going to messup my hormones and kill me.
I went to wash the dishes and I got a million senses of anxiety all over my body , I started to feel heavy, and shaky and worthless and hopeless and any negative feeling that you can think of and you know suddenly while in the midst and world wind of all these emotions, it hit me ! SO WHAT?!
Let’s say I die… wont that be better ? Better than living this life that you and I are both living? Living with full of worry , full of pain, full of anxiety … is this life? It is what I am afraid of losing to ?
If we are to live healthy for the next 30 years , but live as a hypochondriac…. Isn’t it better to be dead ?
Think about it…..
Some of us might be at a more mild stage of this phobia and some further up – I don’t know where I am on that bar , but I know I am so tired and sick of thinking about this and I am over it . I have thought about it so much that now I am no longer phased by the thought of it . Not because I grew balls overnight and became a champ –no! , but because I have obsessed over this phobia so much , that right now , right this second, when I think of a disease and death, my brain has nothing to think anymore, not happy, not sad, not worry , NOTHING
My brain is over it – I have thought so much and spent so much time obsessing and making myself crazy and making my life so grey , that now the thought has just expired in my brain.
Why I decided to write this tonight , is because fr the first time ever – I realized if this is going to be LIFE for me – like this- all this worry and all this pain, then I rather be dead and I am not going to fight for life anymore.
So ill give myself to GOD and he can watch over me, but I will no longer live like this! There is no point.
I watched a movie the other night and it was amazing. This line was amazing :
A man in trouble was with his lawyer, his lawyer was so worried and panicked and the man was so calm. At the trial the lawyer turned around and asked the man: “Do you ever worry?” and he turned around and said “why ? Would it help ? “
This is gold! If you are going to get that illness, that cancer, that heart attack , or that tumour:
Think about that man and his anwer because it is the perfect answer to all your worries. Does it help?
Because if that disease or death wants to happen, it will happen.
Try to live your life and be happy and enjoy that dinner, enjoy that show, enjoy that Friday night, enjoy YOU.
Be alive and be alert , and tell yourself that being a miserable hypochondriac is much better being dead that alive with this heavy , heavy heart.

I hope this helped even 1 person.
Writing this I must say, I do go counselling still and I will continue to because as I said this doesn’t go away overnight and is a work in progress.
I’m glad you are all here with me.
B

[idk2012ftw]

I am in fucking tears! This is soo similar to me. Ive been living like a hypochondriac for years! It's gotten to the point where I cant live a life anymore. Its like what the fuck am I even living if I cant even enjoy my fucking life. I get chest pains all the time. For 5 years! and even right now! I just can't cope with this shit and the stress. Im sure I have heart problems or an undiagnosed heart condition because I just cant make sense of this unexplainable pain. I really dont think its anxiety but I honestly dont know anymore. I cant enjoy my life with shit. Sometimes I gotta cry to cope with the stress I face because its hard to live like this. And yes, your post helped me. A LOT!! It makes me feel a shitload better to know that someone is suffering the same shit as me and that you're fed up with living like this just as I am. I'd rather have a fucking disease than have doctors tell me they can't find anything wrong with me. I'm also checking my pulse every hour due to all the heart paplipations and weird pain I get. I'm soo young and when I think about how much I still have to live makes me realize that I dont even know if I can make it through life the way I'm living now. I'm already fed up with this shitty life and im 18. like WTF?!?! But YES!! THANKS A GAZILLION FOR YOUR POST!! MADE MY DAY!!

[Estelle2008]

Hi Everyone:

This is just my story and my thoughts so please dont think that I am this is you AT ALL. I am just sharing my thoughts and emotions for the first time and many of you have helped me on this forum and I hope I can do the same ,,,, even if for 5 minutes Ill take it ... Thanks

Where did it begin?
Today is December 4th 2014 and somehow I can write this. Finally! Why today ? Because tonight I realized I am so fed-up with being a hypochondriac and I want to share it with all those in pain, that pain that only you and I can understand. That suffering. That worry . That deep hole within you that no one sees through your beautiful smile.

I don’t remember how I became hypochondriac. I was physically abused by my mom all my life. Sometimes I think that may have triggered it. Obviously that meant I grew up with issues. Then I got into partying and I ecstasy was the pill that took me out of my miseries in life that I had placed a cap on for the longest time. The hurt, the pain , the uncertainty of my childhood. So maybe my hypochondria started there? Or if could be the time I saw my grandma at 13 sitting infront of me and she was so ill, we had Drs at the house and she had nomore veins left and so they had to put the IV in a vein underneath her nail and she was about to scream of all the pain , but then she saw me looking and while they were poking this needle underneath her nail, she gave the most angelic and humble smile. But it could have also begun when my aunt got cancer. I watched her go through chemo , double bisectomy, lose her hair, her nails, lose everything that represented a woman.
I will never know where it began and you will never know either. It does not matter where it began, what matters is that you overcome this time consuming and mind consuming phobia.
I have had it all: brain tumour, ovarian cancer, heart attacks are the new one and I am having one everyday supposedly. I was going blind I was sure, I had skin cancer and I can tell you I had ALS as well.
I know we all have a list as ridiculous as this.
It is okay, but it is so not okay at the same time.
Tonight is Friday and all my friends are out and they want to meet and I have anxiety and heart palpations and I decided to stay home. I ordered some pizza and while having my dinner, all I could think of is my heart and the heart attack.
On a sidenote I should tell you I have a Samsung phone that checks your pulse. If I told you I don’t check my pulse 20 times a day I would be lying. So yes I ate dinner, I got my favourite pizza, and I had my favourite show on. Did I get any of it ? NONE ! I didn’t taste my food , I didn’t hear the show nor did I enjoy my Friday night. Did I relax atleast ? no , because I was in panic that I am going to die of a heart attack.
2 weeks ago I got an ECG monitor that I had to wear for 24hours – the results were fine – I had to record everything I did and that night I did everything and anyting that I do usually that increases my heart rate( no I don’t touch ecstasy anymore- that was a phase when I was in my early twenties), but still I am panicking . Because I take thyroid pills and I think its probably going to messup my hormones and kill me.
I went to wash the dishes and I got a million senses of anxiety all over my body , I started to feel heavy, and shaky and worthless and hopeless and any negative feeling that you can think of and you know suddenly while in the midst and world wind of all these emotions, it hit me ! SO WHAT?!
Let’s say I die… wont that be better ? Better than living this life that you and I are both living? Living with full of worry , full of pain, full of anxiety … is this life? It is what I am afraid of losing to ?
If we are to live healthy for the next 30 years , but live as a hypochondriac…. Isn’t it better to be dead ?
Think about it…..
Some of us might be at a more mild stage of this phobia and some further up – I don’t know where I am on that bar , but I know I am so tired and sick of thinking about this and I am over it . I have thought about it so much that now I am no longer phased by the thought of it . Not because I grew balls overnight and became a champ –no! , but because I have obsessed over this phobia so much , that right now , right this second, when I think of a disease and death, my brain has nothing to think anymore, not happy, not sad, not worry , NOTHING
My brain is over it – I have thought so much and spent so much time obsessing and making myself crazy and making my life so grey , that now the thought has just expired in my brain.
Why I decided to write this tonight , is because fr the first time ever – I realized if this is going to be LIFE for me – like this- all this worry and all this pain, then I rather be dead and I am not going to fight for life anymore.
So ill give myself to GOD and he can watch over me, but I will no longer live like this! There is no point.
I watched a movie the other night and it was amazing. This line was amazing :
A man in trouble was with his lawyer, his lawyer was so worried and panicked and the man was so calm. At the trial the lawyer turned around and asked the man: “Do you ever worry?” and he turned around and said “why ? Would it help ? “
This is gold! If you are going to get that illness, that cancer, that heart attack , or that tumour:
Think about that man and his anwer because it is the perfect answer to all your worries. Does it help?
Because if that disease or death wants to happen, it will happen.
Try to live your life and be happy and enjoy that dinner, enjoy that show, enjoy that Friday night, enjoy YOU.
Be alive and be alert , and tell yourself that being a miserable hypochondriac is much better being dead that alive with this heavy , heavy heart.

I hope this helped even 1 person.
Writing this I must say, I do go counselling still and I will continue to because as I said this doesn’t go away overnight and is a work in progress.
I’m glad you are all here with me.
B

This is a great post! I too suffer with this dreaded shit! I always "have" something!! The last couple days I have been just out of no where getting a beat red face, neck and chest! It feels like I'm burning up! I have a huge problem with always checking my blood pressure and pulse, in fact the other day I went to have my eyes tested, something that normally never bothered me, and they wanted to check my blood pressure and as soon as they said that...bam! Bp through the roof! She did it and it was 189/103 pulse 136!!! I have spoke to my doctor and since I do monitor my bp at home and it normally runs 140/88 pulse 89 or around there, my doctor doesn't want to put me on anything because thinks when I am not paying attention to my bp it is normal and if he put me on any med it could make it go too low I don't take anything for bp, I have a pill for my acid reflux and my birth control. I am friggin' tired of this shit!
I have tried cbt and I felt good when I was going, but that class is over, it was 10 sessions long and all over Christmas my anxiety was through the roof! I am tired of feeling this way!!! I am ready to throw in the towel...but I am a mom, I have 2 beautiful boys, 7 & 3 and they are the only thing that stops me from throwing in that towel!

Take care and I hope we just find a damn "cure" for this!!

[Akiki]

This is a great post! I too suffer with this dreaded shit! I always "have" something!! The last couple days I have been just out of no where getting a beat red face, neck and chest! It feels like I'm burning up! I have a huge problem with always checking my blood pressure and pulse, in fact the other day I went to have my eyes tested, something that normally never bothered me, and they wanted to check my blood pressure and as soon as they said that...bam! Bp through the roof! She did it and it was 189/103 pulse 136!!! I have spoke to my doctor and since I do monitor my bp at home and it normally runs 140/88 pulse 89 or around there, my doctor doesn't want to put me on anything because thinks when I am not paying attention to my bp it is normal and if he put me on any med it could make it go too low I don't take anything for bp, I have a pill for my acid reflux and my birth control. I am friggin' tired of this shit!
I have tried cbt and I felt good when I was going, but that class is over, it was 10 sessions long and all over Christmas my anxiety was through the roof! I am tired of feeling this way!!! I am ready to throw in the towel...but I am a mom, I have 2 beautiful boys, 7 & 3 and they are the only thing that stops me from throwing in that towel!

Take care and I hope we just find a damn "cure" for this!!

Hi Estelle I'm 29 and have the same situation with my bp. I get very anxious, I can feel my heart just pounding and my heart beats a bit faster. It then goes to about 140. After a bit It can go down to 130 although I know my body is still aware that in taking my bp , so I'm still not completely relax. I think this is normal (although hard to believe when anxiety tries to fool you) do you also feel your heart beating harder than usual when taking your bp compared to the rest of the day ? It's pumping more blood so I think it's normal for it to go up to compensate. You'r nervous system is preparing you to fight and more blood is needed so the pressure goes up . It's hard to get convinced that your bp is fine the rest of the time because you don't see it . If you're the type of person that likes to know everything , it makes it harder too. I believe in fine when I'm not thinking about it and you're probably ok too. we just need to find a way to believe it forgot to mentioned that this is at home. At the doctor is pretty much impossible to get low results I get too anxious about sitting and taking it, they tell me many people get the same reaction!

[Estelle2008]

Hi Estelle I'm 29 and have the same situation with my bp. I get very anxious, I can feel my heart just pounding and my heart beats a bit faster. It then goes to about 140. After a bit It can go down to 130 although I know my body is still aware that in taking my bp , so I'm still not completely relax. I think this is normal (although hard to believe when anxiety tries to fool you) do you also feel your heart beating harder than usual when taking your bp compared to the rest of the day ? It's pumping more blood so I think it's normal for it to go up to compensate. You'r nervous system is preparing you to fight and more blood is needed so the pressure goes up . It's hard to get convinced that your bp is fine the rest of the time because you don't see it . If you're the type of person that likes to know everything , it makes it harder too. I believe in fine when I'm not thinking about it and you're probably ok too. we just need to find a way to believe it forgot to mentioned that this is at home. At the doctor is pretty much impossible to get low results I get too anxious about sitting and taking it, they tell me many people get the same reaction!

I just wish it was as easy as pushing a button my bp when I go to the doctors office is always up, which is why my doctor now doesn't ask to do mine, since I have my monitor at home I just take him in my readings. I actually went and saw him on Thursday and told him about my trip to the eye doctor (I went for a regular check up, I had been seeing a showdown in my vision, the optrimistrist says it is caused by a spike in bp or blood sugar so I go every 3-4 months, anyway when I went 2 weeks ago they asked to do my blood pressure...well I felt it go from my toes to my ears in 2.2seconds, she did it and it was 188/103 pulse 136!!) So because it was high I decided to check it more often well it was up around 140-160/88-104 every time and my pulse was always above 100. But I was sent home to check my bp every morning and walk away and not do it again until the next morning for the next 2 months, I don't think my doctor wants to put me on meds. I should add I am a 33 year old female, approx 40lbs overweight