Hi everyone,
I would like for us control freaks to share our thoughts and experiences, and what happens to us when we face situations we cannot control. A huge reason we get anxious is that we fear we lose control, or are constantly trying to control things that generally are impossible to control. People with health anxiety would like to control death, or definitely don't want to become seriously ill. But can we control illness or death - no we can't. So what happens? You get anxious.
I am a perfectionist, and because of that also a control freak. I've had health anxiety, with fear of getting ALS being the worst part, but somehow I got over it. But I am a control freak. If it was up to me, I'd control everything and everyone.
A part of my problem is that I am never good enough, or nothing ever becomes good enough. I feel like a failure at my job, though my boss and colleagues love me. I feel like a failure in my studies, though I always achieve good grades. I feel like a failed daughter, friend, girlfriend, though my loved ones constantly reassure me that I am more than good enough.
Take my boyfriend, for instance. Due to his job he's away a lot, and I am mostly alone. But we have a wonderful relationship anyway. But I would like to control him. If hours have passed without him texting me I get angry, and constantly look at my phone thinking to myself "send me a text you idiot!", because I don't want to be the first one to text all the time. And if he's online on Facebook or whatsapp or whatever and doesn't text me, or worst of all, does not answer one of my text right away, I get anxious and furious! But I too have been online on Facebook many times and not necessarily answered messages from people right away - sometimes I too take time to check Facebook on my phone but wait with answering texts until I have more time (like at work, for instance). But I know with myself that I don't do that to be an a*hole to people - it's simply because I would like to have more time when answering texts in case people start a conversation with me once I have texted them back. But being a perfectionist I think my boyfriend avoids texting me back, and being a control freak I want to control his phone habits. He takes his sweet time answering people in general, not just me. I have seen that. Yet, I take it personally.
Also, if he is online on Facebook when he i supposed to be at work, I start to wonder. But who's not online on Facebook at work nowadays? I am too. If he was such an insane control freak as me he would also constantly check if I were online while at work, and then go all ballistic in his mind thinking: "but she is supposed to work! Why is she online?"
I am always wondering if I am good enough for him, so naturally I also fear that someday he will leave me or cheat on me. But that is not the main reason I go all nuts - I just want to know all the time why he does the thing that he does. I want to know why he doesn't answer me right away, I want him to constantly sit by his phone and check for messages from me when we're not together. And be ready to answer me back in a minute. I want to know what he is feeling, and always think I say or do something wrong.
Most of these thoughts I NEVER express to him, because I know it is MY problem. MY insecurity. MY control monster. He has done nothing wrong, and we have a wonderful relationship. He is an amazing man.
This was one of my examples. Please share your story - are you familiar with this?