love & anxiety suck

[mrslizzyg]

Yes congrats on the soon to be birth. I to went to collage and I am doing nothing at all to what my field of study was but it was still the the best years of my life. I have to remind myself of that every time I write a student loan payment in the book.
Lizz being married is tough and I feel your pain. I married my high school sweetheart that I dated all through school only to have the marriage fail two weeks before our first anniversary. All my fault too, I was so insecure it was pathetic. She was beautiful and I miss her still to this day. ( hope my wife don't read my history. ) lol. Peace all

That is really sad, John... =/ I have a first love that "got away" too. Never married of course, but I think everyone who has a high school sweetheart wishes things would work out... Rarely does that ever end well though.

[Im-Suffering]

Goomba ! my good friend, congrats ! wow...

Just a reminder here in this thread that conscious mind is not the problem solver. If you assign it that position, you begin to worry, and so the solutions come from fear, rather than universal intelligence.

Subconscious releases a solution in the form of inspiration to which the conscious filters through reason. (this is why its important to examine your beliefs). Inspiration must sift through belief/thoughts.

Keep in mind this is directly opposite to how you have practiced and have been taught to handle problems.

The solution is always to minimize the problem. Live in the moment and allow it to unfold. In Lindsey's case, all the rationalizing in the world for weeks, that led to sleeping on someone elses couch could not fight the inspiration of the moment (from the inner self) with the idea to run home. There was telepathy there between her and her spouse that led to communication.

By minimizing the problem and stripping it of energy and focus you are not denying it, but refusing to capitulate to worry and trusting faith in your inner self, along with the magic of the self in the spacious moment to unfold as you wish it to.

Allowing self to unfold in the moment also means not to restrict or put up a rigid set of boundaries. "I will allow the moment to unfold as long as it goes this way or that". Then you are repressing. Life has its own set of terms.

Minimize the problem, strip it of your power and focus, and when worry creeps in, bring yourself back to picturing the best possible outcome. Picturing the best possible outcome sets universal intelligence in motion to create that for you (sub or superconscious) in your present moment.

Too much negativity here, to much worry and brooding feeds the turmoil and the energy recreates a monster out of a molehill.

With my life, my experience to which you know, the monster became so powerful as to create a psychological explosion into the physical. A powerful reality shift, that in a sense is meant to clear the air, release the energies. I myself often felt stuck, repressed, and this energy went somewhere, into the monster, feeding it. I did not myself picture the best possible outcome but spent time brooding in my frustration. It indeed was an explosion of energy when she said "im out of here'. That was part of the healing. Love, was not the problem.

Try your best to live in the moment, it may surprise you what unfolds.

[Goomba]

Thanks for the good wishes everyone : ) The fact that I am going to be a father is still surreal, but it warms my heart. I'm super excited to just play with him.

Lizzy, it's awesome that you came to that realization. Just remember, have to follow our own advice, lol. There is a lot of different content here, and I don't want to take away from potential discussion with others. If you want to explore what we were talking about more, feel free to PM me.

....oh jeez I sound like I'm Suff...

[mrslizzyg]

Thank you IS for all of that. I have read over it a few times trying to take it what I can at this time.

I'm just going to use this thread to type out some of my thoughts... feel free to read and respond if anyone wants to, but I just can't get my head to shut up and I need somewhere to put it.


If I really try to remember, the last time I was happy in my marriage was about 5 months ago, 4 months into when we first got back together. I had taken space for 2 months, and had grounded myself again.. I was back in "I'm gonna be me and f*ck trying to change myself for other people", which I get can be slightly destructive in moments.. but that has always been my best way to kick my anxiety to the curb. The less I care the less anxiety I have.. now that doesn't mean I don't care about PEOPLE, and try not to hurt them.. but MY needs came first over anyone elses.

This worked for about 4 months in my marriage until my husband slowly wanted to break down the things about me he didn't find
desirable for a future mother, and at the same time all my past insecurities in our marriage came flooding back out again, because as I changed myself to better fit my marriage that attitude of "not really caring" came crashing down, and my anxiety just entered right back in to wreak havoc on my marriage and on my own mental health.

There are SO many past issues in my marriage that I don't think either of us has "gotten over." I think I am the one who has a lot more work to do in this department- I almost hold some resentment towards my husband for choices made in the marriage and things that were said. Again, I am by NO means innocent in everything here... but I am the one with issues letting go of the PAST.

I remember EVERYTHING, every last word, every last detail and emotion about events that occurred over the last 5 years. That is emotionally and mentally damaging to me, in so many ways. But yet I can't figure out how to forget... it doesn't matter how much my heart wants to forgive, I CANNOT forget these things happened. That makes me feel like I should never bothered being married- EVERYONE will make mistakes and NO ONE will ever be perfect...


I cannot emotionally handle some of the things my husband has put me through. I literally do not know how.


Because when I was separated- was I perfect? No.. I cried a lot and of course I missed him. But my anxiety pretty much vanished. I had no one with an expectation of who I was suppose to be looking over my shoulder. No past pain flooding my head and being paranoid about what he is doing or when he will be home because of the trauma of issues.

My husband and I had a long talk last night- revolving around one specific issue, his pornography use. This cuts me down to my very core, and I don't want to hear how "it's normal every guy does it"- ok, whatever. This porn thing goes back to my parents divorce, past relationships I have been in where my self esteem was walked on, and then the betrayal from my husband that hid it from me for a couple of years. It has never been THE PORN itself, which yes, I don't really like.. but I have dated guys in the past who watched it sometimes.. but it wasn't a secret. It wasn't something that made me feel less.... so why is it so different with my husband?... Because I married a man who told me that he thought porn was absolutely disgusting and would NEVER do that to his wife. I as a woman with past issues from this- thought I had stumbled upon gold. I had never wanted to get married before because I figured most men were just pigs(sorry) and I thought I had finally found someone who wasn't that way. Naïve? Absolutely. But I didn't set up that false idea. He did. So when I found out about it, that gold I thought I had found, became totally crushed. And to be honest I have never gotten over that. Every time he is in the bathroom for longer than 30mins my first instinct is to check on him because I am worried he is doing it again- who wants to live that way? Neither of us im sure. but I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LET GO OF THE NEGATIVE. I never said what I am doing here is "fair" or "right"...and no, I am not looking to re-open this to conversation again.. it is just an example of one thing out of many that can't be resolved for me..


Then there are the religious issues... Oh man I could go on forever with this one. I converted myself to Mormon when I first met my husband.. I think I half did it for myself and half did it for him.. to be "good enough"-- WELCOMING that fucking theme into my marriage right off the bat, me changing myself. I tried really hard for 4 years to keep myself in the church. I hurt my family. My friends. I lost a lot of friends. I dressed different... said things differently.. just was not myself at all. I would learn new things the more months I was in the church and I would always argue.. like.. "Why do men get multiple wives in the after life but women can't have more husbands?" "Why can't I have green tea, it's healthy!" "Why do I need to wear these garments under my clothes if I don't dress like a slut to begin with?" "Why are my family not seen as good enough?"... I am not a person to easily fall in line with authority, or I am not a sheep so to say. I am VERY stubborn and I'll be damned if you are just doing to tell me to "have faith" over something that my morals completely disagree with.

The day I left my husband the first time, because I was MISERABLE. He played call of duty, watched Porn, maybe exchanged a few words and had sex with me sometimes. I came home, worked out, made dinner, and laid in our bedroom watching TV shows. Repeat. Occasionally a family event would come up or we would decide to try a "date night".. which usually just ended in us fighting. So one I said I said I had it.. I was tired of trying to be the perfect "Mormon" wife for a man who was not the perfect "Mormon" husband.

I think in a lot of ways I became destructive for a while. I was finding my footing as myself again but not always in a healthy way. Eventually I found my way back to my husband...


4 months went by and were fucking amazing. We were back to being that happy in love couple again and just had so much fun together. But that never lasts, does it?

I have been unhappy again for 5 months. I have been in an anxiety bubble that comes and goes with depression and panic attacks. I feel a deep love for my husband but I am not sure it is a healthy love anymore. We go out and do things together- and sure, sometimes it is fun.. but most of the time it is not... We watch TV a lot together.. boring.. Sex is great, which is nice...we don't talk a lot, unless something random happens.. but we are not the type that can just sit and have a conversation together for hours... we used to be, but not anymore. Not enough in common to talk about.

My heart and my brain are in two different places. My brain is telling me that there is too much damage here... too many issues that cannot be resolved and things that cannot be compromised. My heart is telling me that I love him, that he is a good man at his core, and that I made a commitment to stay married to him, through the good at the bad.

So how the hell am I suppose to know when it's good to keep pressing forward or if I should call it quits, for both of our sake?
Sorry this is long.. like I said just typing out all the thoughts that come to my head.

[NixonRulz]

Sounds as if he is a Mormon when it is convenient to him? Don't drink coffee but I will be in the back room doing things as I watch a skin flick

It also appears that he uses the Mormon thing as an excuse sometimes. As you said, you are not innocent in all of this but either you keep leaving it out or he doesn't do shit to "change" for you

You weren't anxious when you were split up. That tells a huge story that you are already aware of. I understand why you just don't quit on the marriage but it seems to be a one way street in that house of yours

I wouldn't offer you any advice on if you should leave or not but I will say this, if I were in your shoes and some girl was bringing me down and preaching then starring at someone else's junk on film, I would say "Later"

Religion can be great but it sure can be a pain in the ass when it is used too lessen someone else just because they want a few extra husbands in the after life

You are a trooper for sticking with it but first and foremost you need to get your mental health in order. And you know how that happened the last go round

[mrslizzyg]

Sounds as if he is a Mormon when it is convenient to him? Don't drink coffee but I will be in the back room doing things as I watch a skin flick

It also appears that he uses the Mormon thing as an excuse sometimes. As you said, you are not innocent in all of this but either you keep leaving it out or he doesn't do shit to "change" for you

You weren't anxious when you were split up. That tells a huge story that you are already aware of. I understand why you just don't quit on the marriage but it seems to be a one way street in that house of yours

I wouldn't offer you any advice on if you should leave or not but I will say this, if I were in your shoes and some girl was bringing me down and preaching then starring at someone else's junk on film, I would say "Later"

Religion can be great but it sure can be a pain in the ass when it is used too lessen someone else just because they want a few extra husbands in the after life

You are a trooper for sticking with it but first and foremost you need to get your mental health in order. And you know how that happened the last go round

I read this and I am just going, "yes, he is so right about EVERYTHING." But still.. this crippling feeling of not wanting to leave for some reason consumes me.

It's funny because, even after last weeks event I am SO confused. He told me he wanted to be part of the church, right? No drinking, no smoking weed(which we do occasionally), no coffee, church on Sunday, no rated R movies, etc etc the list goes on.. He decided to divorce me because I WOULDN'T comply with the church... then came back to the next day and realized he was OK with my choices as long as I would support him in the church and go sometimes.(am I REALLY sure I want to go?!) BUT!!!! ... he still has a beer at night. He has had coffee the last few days. Still swears. Has smoked weed....

WAIT.. WHAT?!?!

When I ask him he says, "well I don't have to go back RIGHT NOW. I just want to be able to have that choice later and know you support me in it..I just want to focus on the NOW and being happy."

...........total mind fuck. and not because I am unhappy with being able to do all these things with him.. I am unhappy because he just ripped our marriage out from under the rug to do all these things and then we reconcile and he still hasn't changed what he said was making him miserable?!

[NixonRulz]

Sounds like he hasn't a clue what he wants to do and frankly, I don't think he even wants to go to the church. I am guessing he wants to go back since his family is telling him he wants and needs to

Next time he brings that shit up just say:

"You know, I workout and look pretty hot. I smoke weed and drink tequila and act immature when I am out for the night. I know a bunch of anxious dudes that would take me away and they would be less trouble than you are to figure out"

[mrslizzyg]

He is scared. That whole church is FEAR based.

LOL. You know whats funny, Nixon? You pretty much pegged me there...

Idk. Im so fucking sick of all of this.

I decided to look up some apartments/people looking for roommates that I could move in with. Obviously I haven't decided that is what I will do, but I think letting myself explore the option might help me figure it out.. Just to see how I feel about it. Right now I keep going back and forth.. one minute I'm like YES this is a great idea, the next I am like NO what are you doing! Lol. Hate emotions.

[NixonRulz]

The right answer will come to you if it already hasn't

Meanwhile, I will send you a CARE package to get through the next few days

Its actually just a shoebox with a bunch of selfies of me, 3 bottle caps and a pack of cigarettes

Drink. Smoke. Nixon Pics = Cured Anxiety

[mrslizzyg]

I feel like I know what the right answer is, honestly. But I don't like it. and it scares me.

You can't even throw a bottle of tequila in there? or even like the small airplane bottles?
without that your plan fails.