i need answers

[petrichor]

hello, im new to this site. i think this may be long so i really, really apologize for that.

i have never talked to a therapist so i have never been diagnosed with anything. my best friend says that i have anxiety and to be quite honest, i am quite convinced that i am. or maybe was. the thing is im just not sure. a part of me feels like i do this for attention and it really does suck to feel that way. i guess the whole thing started last summer. during that time, i recall remembering so many embarrassing memories of mine. everything just sort of came back to me. i just started remembering and thinking those moments over. i don't really remember much from that summer. i think i tend to forget a lot. anyway, september rolled around and i had transferred schools. on the first day, i completely embarrassed myself and i didn't even fully realize it. i didn't even care when i got home. i don't really want to talk about what happened, and i don't think people even realized what happened to me, but as the days progressed, i started remembering and getting those 'what if's' thoughts. i embarrassed myself more than once but see that's probably what i only think.

i spent the 2014-2015 school year completely aware of my surroundings i guess. i was always alert. i do believe i overthink a lot. i did have a lot of humiliating experiences, which wasn't good. if anything unpleasant happened to me, i always tended to think of what others might have thought of me. i value what others think. i completely detest the fact that some people might hate me and make fun of me. i don't want to be 'hated' and 'made fun of'. i had talked about this to my friend, who constantly needed to reassure me that no one hated me. i think im always looking for reassurance. it might be what keeps me steady. when i did or said something stupid, i remember asking my friend for some comfort. i wanted her to reassure me that my troubles just weren't as big as i thought they were. it's like i always kept people and their opinions ahead of me. it drove me crazy - the thought of someone hating me and making fun of me. all these mortifying memories...they stick with me. it's like i could never forget them. they're just there and sometimes i find myself moving on from them. other times, however, i remember those memories and i cringe. there was a time when i moved on from my embarrassing first day of school and i was fine with it but then further on, there just came a time where i started obsessing over that day again. i kept on obsessing for it for more than a day. it was before the christmas holidays. i woke up one day for school and i was instantly reminded of that day and then something happened. i had heart palpitations, my body was very warm and i was very hot, and i remember breathing loudly but i can never be sure. i can never be sure of everything because a part of me will always think that i was doing that - breathing loudly, for instance - on purpose because i just wanted attention. i remember pulling out something to fan me because of how warm my body felt. i remember tears stinging my eyes.

again, i am unsure of everything. was that an anxiety attack? i don't know if i had any more of those.

the year before i changed schools i was somewhat a different person than i am now. i was more...outspoken, if you will. i did speak up and stuff and i was, what you call, a 'know-it-all'. i didn't like who i was before and there are still so many things about me now that i don't like. i was very childish and now im more...quiet and reserved, and there's a huge difference between who i was then and who i am now. i don't talk in class. i usually end up embarrassing myself if i do and if i do humiliate myself, i would just overthink and obsess over that moment. i hate presenting in class. i absolutely hate it. i worry that i may end up embarrassing myself. when i am presenting, my knees feel weak and they shake, like they're about to collapse. i begin to sweat and i stumble over my words. i can never really make direct eye-contact with anyone. i don't remember doing so. i think i just look at my teacher and sometimes, i'd just scan the class. my friend, the one who thinks i have anxiety, said that my hands, which were holding notecards, were shaking. there was one presentation, though, where i did not mess up and was perfectly fine presenting. i prepared for that assignment and it went pretty well, actually.

i was basically a lost and confused kid during the 2014-2015 school year and i think people noticed that. it's quite unpleasant. the thing is about me, if something good happens, i usually look on the bad side and ask questions - those 'what if's' questions.

i have a tendency to delete things...like i have had so many accounts (including emails) but i always ended up deleting them. sometimes, i would re-create an account because i was interested again. i usually delete accounts because they're not 'orderly and perfect'. what i really hate, too, is the fact that some accounts you want to delete can't be permanently wiped off the internet. it really does agitate me and i don't see how this is relevant and i know im being quite silly but this really does annoy me. the fact that i've had so many accounts of the same site, per say, makes me...uncomfortable, i guess. i woke up today and i was instantly in a sour mood just thinking about it. my friend noticed that i do this, delete things all, and made a comment yesterday, and it made me feel so uncomfortable because it was the truth. my friend was referring to my starting a new feed and then brought up the fact that i've had several accounts before. it makes me so uncomfortable and i just wish that i had one account that i really liked and all this deleting nonsense never happened. i've had so many email accounts and i just don't understand myself. the reason why i was in a sour mood, too, was because i kept thinking of what people might think if they noticed that i do that. i wish i never did that. i just delete things because i feel like they're messy and i want things to be in order and 'perfect'. this was stupid, i know.

i did open up to my parents. it's a long story but i was compelled to tell my mom about my concerns about having anxiety to get out of something. i don't think they took the matter of having anxiety seriously. they didn't judge or belittle me but my mom kept telling me how young i was, as if it were impossible or something. when i told my mom, she told my dad, so i had to talk to them about it. part of the conversation was my first day at school and my concerns about what people might have thought of me on that very day. i think my parents forgot about that conversation.

lastly, i think i have intrusive thoughts. usually, when im daydreaming, a person im thinking about, for example, is replaced by someone who shouldn't be there. it's like i would be thinking of something specific and then someone is replaced by someone who shouldn't be there and everything is ruined. it's really sickening. i just have unwanted scenarios and thoughts. i feel guilty because of these. i looked it up and it's a symptom of OCD but i don't believe i have this. it just usually happens and it's messed up.

that is all. im sorry about the really long post. im fine now but this is what i generally go through. to sum it all up: i worry, my past sticks with me, and i am lost and in need of answers. im just so unsure about everything and even typing this, i was unsure. like what if all what i said was just some lie for attention? what if some of what i said was just untrue? anyway, im sorry again for this and i just need some answers.

thank you.

[PrettyPeony]

Having obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, perfectionist tendencies, pessimism, and irrational fears are all signs of anxiety. In fact, what you described is exactly how I felt when I first started experiencing anxiety, but I didn't seek help until it started effecting other parts of my life (grades, health, relationships). It's great that you're taking action now and you're lucky to have a friend who is supportive and was able to recognize your behavior as possible anxiety.

Based on your story, it sounds like you may have social anxiety. I suggest you talk to you school psychologist/counselor. They can help you talk to your parents about it. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing your parents just think you're just being a normal, hormonal kid. And a lot of kids feel social pressures at school, particularly surrounding the start of a school year. They probably just brushed it aside, but not because they don't care or don't take you seriously. Just be open with them and let them know when you're feeling anxious and why, to the best of your ability.

Also, those fears that you're doing this for attention are just irrational thoughts - just thoughts. The fact that you're afraid that you're doing this for attention is an indication that you're not. If you were, you would either know or you would be in complete denial of it. I'd say it's likely you're having this fear because you don't fully understand why you're feeling this way. I hope this helps.

[petrichor]

Having obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, perfectionist tendencies, pessimism, and irrational fears are all signs of anxiety. In fact, what you described is exactly how I felt when I first started experiencing anxiety, but I didn't seek help until it started effecting other parts of my life (grades, health, relationships). It's great that you're taking action now and you're lucky to have a friend who is supportive and was able to recognize your behavior as possible anxiety.

Based on your story, it sounds like you may have social anxiety. I suggest you talk to you school psychologist/counselor. They can help you talk to your parents about it. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing your parents just think you're just being a normal, hormonal kid. And a lot of kids feel social pressures at school, particularly surrounding the start of a school year. They probably just brushed it aside, but not because they don't care or don't take you seriously. Just be open with them and let them know when you're feeling anxious and why, to the best of your ability.

Also, those fears that you're doing this for attention are just irrational thoughts - just thoughts. The fact that you're afraid that you're doing this for attention is an indication that you're not. If you were, you would either know or you would be in complete denial of it. I'd say it's likely you're having this fear because you don't fully understand why you're feeling this way. I hope this helps.

thank you for replying. it really helped and i did receive some comfort from reading. these 'perfectionist tendencies' are horrible and they really do drive me crazy. i think i might talk to a school counselor when school starts. i really don't think i would be able to sit and just hope for my worries and problems to go away.

another thing that makes me uneasy is literally the internet. i think i do have a fear of being judged and it's like you can be judged through so many ways. also, through the internet, it makes me uneasy to think that there are people out there who might be talking positively and/or negatively of me because it's the internet and you have hobbies on there and you have sites and accounts and all. it's like i don't want people to talk about me in any way because i just want to stay...hidden or anonymous or something. that probably didn't make any sense but it really does agitate me.

also, i have a tendency to set expectations for myself. im always saying that "on monday, you are going to be kinder, more patient..." and none of those expectations i want to happen ever work out and i end up feeling disappointed. what's worse is that i feel like i can only start fresh on monday because to me, it's a new start to a new week and i can only start fresh on that day. it's stupid.

thank you again for replying!