New and Anxious

[hennalou]

Hi everyone,

I am completely new here, and I guess I am just hoping to hear some of your experiences in a desperate attempt to feel not-so-much-alone.

So I suppose I’ve never been really confident in myself, I had terrible acne growing up and I was too much of a tom boy to fit into any group of friends I formed. But now, as a young woman, supposedly at the pinnacle of life, I recently became aware that I do indeed experience anxiety in a way that most of the people in my life do not. I guess I always figured it was just a personality flaw, and maybe it is. But here’s the thing, (assuming for just a moment there is such a thing as “normal”), it’s not “normal” to spend 3 hours constantly checking the mirror to see if I am even remotely presentable for the outside world before heading out the door, to only then decide I am not and to cancel all plans for the day. It’s not “normal” to walk down the high street completely convinced that every.single.person is staring, judging, sneering, laughing. To feel like I am having a heart attack every time I pop out to get some milk, or to then not buy it because the queue is too long and I can’t be still in such a busy place. In and out as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact, trying not to hyperventilate and practically running back home. I can’t even imagine being in more intimate scenarios lately. I can’t eat out or do anything that involves a circle of people sitting far too closely around me.

And I feel ridiculous for being this way.

“Nobody is judging you,” says my ever- lovely boyfriend who is surely at his wits' end by now, “people are far too busy getting on with their own lives to focus so intently on one stranger in a sea of many. You’re just going to get milk.”
And I know, in the confines of my safe, quiet house, that he is 100% correct. Yet all logic disappears when I step outside that door.
The other day I had to go and support a friend in his show opening in an art gallery… It was excruciating. When I got home I shut the door behind me, collapsed in a heap, and cried for hours. And now I’m here.

Sorry -- I had hoped this wouldn’t turn out like a diary entry, I’m sure you frequent users have heard it aaaall before. I just feel completely alone. I have a handful of wonderful friends with whom I have tried to discuss feelings of anxiety, all the while secretly hoping that deep down underneath their beautiful, young and care free exteriors, they could relate. Turns out they are pretty much beautiful, young and care free, which is brilliant. But, I do wonder if anyone out there will come across this post and just….. get it?
x

[bizcoach]

I get it.

I did the unthinkable at a young age; I decided no friends is better than friends that do not understand me. I decided that instead of being a star shaped peg being relentlessly hammered into a round societal hole, I would carve a perfect star shaped life that my personality would slide into seamlessly and have great success. I found an understanding spouse and soul mate that would accompany me to the edge of my comfort zone, but never push me into terrifying territory.
. I built my work life around my needs and became successful beyond my wildest dreams.

I turned my anxiety disability into a happy life with ever stretching abilities with just the occasional bump in the road generally happening only when a major physical illness struck me down temporarily, throwing my balance offside.

Welcome here and enjoy the diversity of opinion and love.

[Im-Suffering]

Hi everyone,

I am completely new here, and I guess I am just hoping to hear some of your experiences in a desperate attempt to feel not-so-much-alone.

So I suppose I’ve never been really confident in myself, I had terrible acne growing up and I was too much of a tom boy to fit into any group of friends I formed. But now, as a young woman, supposedly at the pinnacle of life, I recently became aware that I do indeed experience anxiety in a way that most of the people in my life do not. I guess I always figured it was just a personality flaw, and maybe it is. But here’s the thing, (assuming for just a moment there is such a thing as “normal”), it’s not “normal” to spend 3 hours constantly checking the mirror to see if I am even remotely presentable for the outside world before heading out the door, to only then decide I am not and to cancel all plans for the day. It’s not “normal” to walk down the high street completely convinced that every.single.person is staring, judging, sneering, laughing. To feel like I am having a heart attack every time I pop out to get some milk, or to then not buy it because the queue is too long and I can’t be still in such a busy place. In and out as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact, trying not to hyperventilate and practically running back home. I can’t even imagine being in more intimate scenarios lately. I can’t eat out or do anything that involves a circle of people sitting far too closely around me.

And I feel ridiculous for being this way.

“Nobody is judging you,” says my ever- lovely boyfriend who is surely at his wits' end by now, “people are far too busy getting on with their own lives to focus so intently on one stranger in a sea of many. You’re just going to get milk.”
And I know, in the confines of my safe, quiet house, that he is 100% correct. Yet all logic disappears when I step outside that door.
The other day I had to go and support a friend in his show opening in an art gallery… It was excruciating. When I got home I shut the door behind me, collapsed in a heap, and cried for hours. And now I’m here.

Sorry -- I had hoped this wouldn’t turn out like a diary entry, I’m sure you frequent users have heard it aaaall before. I just feel completely alone. I have a handful of wonderful friends with whom I have tried to discuss feelings of anxiety, all the while secretly hoping that deep down underneath their beautiful, young and care free exteriors, they could relate. Turns out they are pretty much beautiful, young and care free, which is brilliant. But, I do wonder if anyone out there will come across this post and just….. get it?
x

Who is the voice of harsh criticism in your head, because I tell you it is not your own. Precisely the reason you feel ridiculous, however you cannot heal what you cannot accept. And so you have a conflict, the voice telling you that you are no good the way you are, and the other voice, shouting reason at those false beliefs.

On one hand humans have the beliefs that a parent must love a child unconditionally, and on the other that same set of people destroy your worth (often 'out of love'). This conflict is so painful to most people, they would rather bury it than face that possibility (or blame themselves as you have done, on some inherent personality 'flaw'). What you feel is the energy from those beliefs (conditioning), the emotions, the words, thoughts on the surface :

(none of this is the 'real' you) :

"I always figured it was just a personality flaw, and maybe it is. But here’s the thing, (assuming for just a moment there is such a thing as “normal”), it’s not “normal” to spend 3 hours constantly checking the mirror to see if I am even remotely presentable for the outside world before heading out the door, to only then decide I am not and to cancel all plans for the day. It’s not “normal” to walk down the high street completely convinced that every.single.person is staring, judging, sneering, laughing. To feel like I am having a heart attack every time I pop out to get some milk, or to then not buy it because the queue is too long and I can’t be still in such a busy place. In and out as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact, trying not to hyperventilate and practically running back home. I can’t even imagine being in more intimate scenarios"

While the core belief remains hidden, covered over in hurts, and fear, bewilderment and disillusion. The way in is to ask 'how could they treat me this way?' and probe from there, accepting what you find as valid and real, but with the intent of healing and finding peace.

"no one is judging you"

Oh yes, that voice is. You must face it.

[anxietyauntie]

Yes, yes yes! I get it! I totally get it!

You have said you want to hear some of our experiences, so I will give you some that based on your entry above you might be able to relate to.

I spend hours getting ready for social events, only to not be able to actually walk out the door. I feel physically ill even trying. The amount of times I have cancelled on friends is insane.

I am incredibly claustrophobic and can't handle queues, crowds or even too many people walking too close to me on the street. I have walked out of stores before because the queue was too long. I have also walked out of the store when I couldn't remember my pin code for my card because I was so anxious about the fact that the guy behind me was standing 'too close' (my definition is much further away than most other people!)

Here is the thing though - you are not alone. And although I am also new here, I am getting that there are so many other people who have been there, done that and also have the post card!

As for your friends... my friends do not get it either. And to be honest, I am ashamed about my anxiety and can't talk to them about it. They get this pity face on, and they eventually get sick of me talking about it - which of course just makes me more anxious about what they think of me. You can still have them as friends, so long as they don't try to hammer you into that round societal hole (and if they are good friends they won't). Just be aware that you can talk to people on here who do get it, and who can really empathise, as opposed to just sympathise.