three steps forward, one step back...

[Kuma]

I have been doing much better at controlling my anxiety. I have been dealing with some objectively difficult situations (my mother is very ill; my older kid -- who has always been challenging -- being even more challenging; lower back pain acting up; some issues at work, and a few other things) and still keeping it together quite well.

But this past week, I felt like my old anxiety was back. I woke up early this morning very worried about things at work, jumping to the worst case scenarios, and not being able to divert my attention or do a better job at evaluating my situation. (I have invested a lot in my career, and I think the more you invest, the more of a disaster it would be if it were to fall apart).

And earlier this week, there was an incident where I gave a confidential (and not entirely positive) reference for someone and then spent time the next day worrying about why I did that, what would happen if the confidentiality were not maintained, how this could come back to bite me, etc.. The specific incident is not all that important, but this has been a pattern for me: doing or saying something and then later worrying (in a fairly intense way) about how it could work out badly for me, regretting it, engaging in self-criticism, etc.

These things are just a reminder that although I have made some progress, I am not "over" my anxiety, and I probably never will be.

I can sometimes use the skills that I learned in CBT to get myself back on track. And I can sometimes use some breathing exercises to get back to sleep in the middle of the night, when I awake. But I have not overcome anxiety, and it will, from time to time, especially when important things are not doing so well, rear its head... This is sort of discouraging for someone who lived many years without anxiety. I remember what it was like to live free from anxiety, and I yearn for those days.

[Im-Suffering]

.... worrying (in a fairly intense way) about how it could work out badly for me, regretting it, engaging in self-criticism, etc.

This has always been the mindset and is the sole reason for the anxiety. Where the opposite would have just as physical an impact on your every day life, even when a curveball is thrown your way.

"How things always work out in my best interests"

The criticism, regrets are offshoots of worry. And worry is persistent doubt. Even in regards to mom, which would seem beyond your control, you still could look at things differently, which would in itself help her to recuperate. (Holding in your thoughts the best possible outcome). This is not pie in the sky. Your thoughts are energy.

So it is your work alone to find out where this belief comes from (how things can work out badly). It is not innate this belief, rather it is inherent to think the best, you understand. CBT or just rationalizing it away will not work because it is deeply emotionally ingrained and so it must be approached through the feelings, something you are not used to doing. Relying more of course on the intellect and this in itself has closed you off from inner guidance, or clear free flowing communication.

It's not what ultimately happens in the physical, whether with mom, work or whatever, but what you are being, projecting, thinking during the physical that matters. The thinking helps create the 'matter'.

Let me know if you want me to go further. I do know there is often a roadblock between us. That is mostly my fault. Many if not all of my posts are metaphysically esoteric, I do often wish I could speak to a larger audience if you will. I'm an old dog in that regard.

Either way I send healing energies in your direction.

[Soulcatcher71]

Isn't it weird when you think back to the days before you ever had anxiety, that the sort of things you worry about now would never ever of entered your mind back then. I think we all long for those days again.
You're right that the anxiety is always there in the background waiting for the opportunity to come back one day.
Hope things get better for you again soon.

[Im-Suffering]

You're right that the anxiety is always there in the background waiting for the opportunity to come back one day.

Through synchronicity our new friend jumped in here to prove our point. "Waiting in the backround" of course is symbolic of unresolved false beliefs. If left unchecked would generate those thoughts and emotions when the trigger should arise. As you are currently experiencing kuma - because of the 'perfect storm' of triggers.

Remember it does no good to rationalize a different belief, through self suggestion, but to go in to the inner self through the road map of emotions back to the beliefs inception, and pluck it out by the roots, changing it there in the midst of the storm (let memory take you back into the events that created the belief). Prepare for some turbulence, but I assure you that you will survive the trip. The new (replacement) belief will have the same strength emotionally, but is now positive and makes you feel good.

When you change a belief this way, the self changes, no need to force or connive so to speak, or try and deceive self through suggestions.

[Kuma]

go in to the inner self through the road map of emotions back to the beliefs inception, and pluck it out by the roots, changing it there in the midst of the storm (let memory take you back into the events that created the belief).

That probably works for some people, but we each have our own different approaches. For me, an approach based on reason, intellect and practicality is better. That is what attracted me to CBT. As with many who suffer from anxiety, I am not as good as I should be at evaluating risk, and I have a tendency to focus more than I should on worst-case scenarios, even though they may be unlikely. I also have a tendency to hold myself to a high standard. That has been helpful to me in some ways, but I have also paid a price for it.

There probably would be an approach of going back to my childhood and analyzing the origin of these things. I would respect someone who wanted to take that approach, for themselves. It is simply not the approach I want to take for myself. It would take too much time and effort, involve a fair amount of turbulence, as you say, and I suspect the odds of success would be relatively low. I think the most likely outcome is that I would be mired in extensive and highly speculative analysis. I also know myself well enough to understand that I would find the process very annoying.

A retort would be "the approach you are taking has not been entirely successful for you, so why not try something different." But my approach has had some success, and I need to make the best call I can as to what approach, for me, has the highest odds of success with the lowest cost (I don't mean monetary cost).

Having said that, I am grateful for the suggestions -- even those that I decide not to pursue.

[gypsylee]

Well considering what you've been going through, don't you think you'd have to be comatose to NOT have some anxiety? I think you're being a little hard on yourself.

Three steps forward and one step back is still going forward