.....very lost....................... =/

[Helplessand23]

.....Everything is so Enhanced and strange looking... i keep distracting myself.... i take Zoloft now... 4th day on it.... tomorrow i start taking double dose. Few weeks ago before this... i stopped taking my Celexa for a full month and relied on 15 beers a night with no food all day and only 3 grams of weed... EVERYDAY for a long time now.... Had a Migraine that made me think i was about to go into a Psycosis like i had a year ago.... Couldn't comprehend anything.. people would talk to me and i would cry cause i can't understand them... they spoke English.. but i still never understand what they where saying or why they where saying it... Also the t.v.. i couldn't understand the t.v So this aura migraine... made me think i was about to go back into that state of mind.. i freaked right the hell out... Now my Derealization is completely fucked... before i used to be able to cope with it.. But this level.. everything is so Bright and intense.... my useless feelings have started to go away... but when i stop and look around... shits so bright and still fucked up.. its really depressing... i bet lots of you felt this way..but in my head i don't believe it. I feel like i am the only person going through this.. and it will never Fade. If it wasn't for my Loving Grandmother... i don't think i would be around. IMO. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone.. It's horrible. I tried to play video games... i played last night for about an hour and a half.. i started to panic for no reason idk if its stimulation... but that got scary and i had to shut the game off... i watched some movies.... only thing to distract me from feeling like im a useless piece of crap. I wish i wasn't alone i wish people KNEW exactly what this was... I could see people say they feel the same way ect...that would make me feel better for a moment.. then later on i would think. LIES LIES LIES LIES i am the only person who feels this way in the world and something is really fucked with me. I have a girlfriend who tries to help... she doesn't get how i see things.. nobody does.. it really sucks.. for example... my Mood has been a bit better since the attack last week.. as in.. i am not crying for no reason every 5mins. And that alone makes people think i am cured.. and like what the fuck.. its been a few days.. only thing changed is my crying.. everything is still fucked and unreal to a level i can't cope with. I used to wake up.. 11am sit on my computer.. smoke a gram of weed.. wait till 6pm Buy 2 more Grams and a 12 of beer. ( HAven';t eaten all day ) then i drink my beers and smoke my weed till around 12am... i then eat a FUCK ton of food and go right to bed.. i wake up and repeat the process... and in that time i was taking my Celexa only once in awhile when it was supposed to be everyday.. Anyways i have no had drugs or Alcohol in almost a week now. When i think of something to do for fun i start to get sad.. for example its 6:30pm and i want to do something, but i know theres nothing to do. What can i do for fun? Drugs and Alcohol made things fun. Now i am stuck.. waiting for night time so i can lay in bed for 5 hours watching movies till i pass out.. only to wake up and repeat the process... I just can't do this and i feel so so alone in the world. So much to say,but it feels my words would be wasted. I seen a Psychaitrist when i was 16 and she said it was from playing World of Warcraft to much... LOL WHAT?!?!? What the fuck... so let me get this straight.. she takes College ect... for years... to get her Medical Degree... and her assesment... is me being depressed and playing games to long. Yet i have 100% of the Symtoms of Derealizaiton and depresonaliaztion. WOW i thought Canada was good for Dr.s But this one really pissed me off and made me lose hope... I am 23 now.. seen my dr last week who put me on the Zoloft.. she said it sounds like Derelization ect.. but the tone she said it with.. all Confused... makes me really doubt Doctors know anything at all.. which in the end makes me feel more lost and alone. The bottle says give the pills a few weeks for full effect, but i am having trouble just getting through a day. Last night i started to cry randomly and panic and feel confused.. because my cat annoyed me... She came in the room.. i shooshed her out.. she came back.. and i felt so overhwlemed i just broke down. What the fuck does that mean?! i am going bat shit here and i feel lost.. My Grandma works with old people in nursing homes.. she talked to a nurse who works in mental hospitals.. the Nurse doesn't know much about Derealization ect... WOW did that make me feel like shit.... Anyways... this is a lot to read, but as i type its the only thing keeping me from wanting to ram my face into a wall. help...