Here I am...awake at 3:30am...again. My husband is sound asleep next to me. He's so normal. If only i could be more like him.
But no. Im awake at three, almost four in the morning going over and over the list of things I have to do tomorrow, the next day, but I'm not going to do because Im going to be too tired to do them. The list of failures are snowballing for every minute longer I stay up. I can hear the oh-so-practically advice ringing in my ear 'just go to bed' and then the depression just settles in even more.
Its such simple, stupid, trivial things, too. Everyone else does them and its just so easy for them. For me its like I have to climb mount Everest- without oxygen-day after day. For others its like a mole hill and I feel unbelievably inadequate.
I read self help books, go to counseling, go to support groups, and recite mottos that make me feel ridiculous. I struggle, and struggle, and struggle just to cover the basics in human needs and for what? Just to fight off the anxiety for one more day?
I wish I could just turn my mind off and have some peace and quiet. I wish for one day I could accomplish the day to day routine without feeling like I was hit by a semi truck- forget about all the 'should have' 'need to' 'have to' and 'must do.' I wish for just one day I could just exist, relax, not care what comes the next day, the next hour, or even the next minute. Just to exist in peace, content with whatever I'm doing even if its not what i 'should do' 'must do' or 'have to' do. Of course, that wish is just one more thing to add to my anxiety of 'should do' failures...