What Do I Need To Do??

[KieranA001]

Hey,

So basically my story goes a little something like this... Since as long as I can remember, I've always had anxiety, social phobia, depression and low self-esteem. I'm now coming up for 20, which makes me feel even worse, because I still don't have any friends, within the last year a girl I fell in love with at college ditched me (while getting mocked by her friend, as she kept calling me "virgin") because I haven't had a girlfriend before. (Just don't know what conversation topics to talk about).. Plus it links back in with my anxiety, depression etc.

So now, as you're aware, all of that has made it worse, and now I have fallen for someone else a few months after I left the girl I loved (as she ditched me) and went out with another guy 11 years older than me, in which she is now pushing for a baby! But I'm generally very, very emotional and take things to heart, and am very serious. Hence I get upset quite easily, even if someone were to shout at me for something petty.

I don't know why, I know I should be happy, and be interested socially but I just feel that everything, including life is pointless. I just want the life that other people have, people are all like. Well, stop giving a sh*t what others think (fair enough) but then even if I want to improve on my social skills, what's the point if I don't like talking to people? I don't know why but I just find it boring. I don't get any enjoyment out of it what so ever, even when I'm drunk.. I just feel like I'm being judged (even on Facebook) which is why I don't like posting things on there.

At school, I used to hang around with the same group, but they were all twa*s that used to bully me but then again pretty much everyone did and I just stayed with them just to feel like I actually had some friends! Now that I have felt school, it isn't so bad and since I have left (in 2011) I have felt better with my anxiety, but my depression is so bad. I don't seem to adjust to change that well, when going from no job to a job, I generally go all shy, my muscles start twitching and I get very depressed.

I need to know where to go from here, what I need to do to turn my life around. I don't know what future options are best for me! I was thinking of going to uni to improve my social skills it's just that the uni fees are really high and didn't know if it's worth it? At the moment I'm pushing through an IT apprenticeship (very boring to me) as I'm not with my same age-group and I don't know what to do about this girl I like in the 6th form part of the academy. I don't know if I just love her because I ditched Grace (the one I loved at college) or if I just generally love her. My feelings are hard to understand.

[Im-Suffering]

I have edited your post for the emotional 'hotpoints', lets see if we can take it further, and shed some 'light' on the issues.

I don't know why, I know I should be happy, and be interested socially but I just feel that everything, including life is pointless.

I just feel like I'm being judged


I generally go all shy, my muscles start twitching and I get very depressed.


My feelings are hard to understand.

Now, your post is a musing. As you try and sort out your feelings, you stumbled quite accidentally into the reason for your experiences thus far in life, and also the answer. So I have rearranged the structure of the post, eliminated the smoke and mirrors, and left you with the concise message pertinent to self-edification. Lets now rewrite your screenplay, and see how it turns out shall we? We are after the truth :

"I don't know why, I know I should be happy, and be interested socially but I just feel that everything, including life is pointless. Because I just feel like I'm always being judged. And this destroys my confidence, self worth, and esteem, my value and integrity. Not only am I judged, but quite often criticized, bullied. When i am under pressure, like a job interview, I generally go all shy, my muscles start twitching and I get very depressed. This is natural for my body to express, given my core beliefs about myself. My feelings coupled with my experiences have left me sour, and mistrustful, my relationships usually also end badly or hurtfully. Since i really believe that, i suppress a lot of myself, my true self, and find expression very difficult if not awkward in manner and tone. My voice breaks and i am timid when asked about my strengths. Its hard for me to express them, what i feel good about, because im fearful of others reactions toward me. This of course all started in early childhood, with my conditioning, from my caretakers. I have buried those painful memories, and severed the connection consciously, so i never attribute whats happening in my life today, as a repeat of what happened then, plus i was very young. But they were critical, of me to, and judgemental, and in a very real sense, that was abusive to a child. And so i began to shut down even then. I dont know, my feelings are often hard to understand. Simply because i leave out this reference point of childhood and adolescence. I blamed myself, I was different, and in a way i thought i deserved what i got, but that made me feel guilty, and shameful about myself, and that hurts inside. I love people ! Its not that i am bored, i am scared, that they will disappoint me, let me down by criticizing me, or even abandon me, and so isolation although painful in itself is less destructive to me than rejection. I will often reject them first, rather than wait and see, so i dont have many friends."

Now that your story has been rewritten for clarity, you can study it/self and begin the process of healing, where if you find some false beliefs about who you are (from early childhood to the present day), you can change them, thereby changing your physical experience. It begins with mental reflection first, changing inside, no exceptions. Any internal changes will have an immediate effect across the board, in the outer world. You get what you expect, by projecting your feelings (beliefs) out onto others. And then like a mirror, you get to flesh out your mass hallucinations. In that context, it is not judgement from others you need to worry about, its the harsh judgement you give to self.

You are lucky, at 20 years old, that we have been able to catch all of this quickly, while you are still young!

Happy trails - that lead to self discovery !

[KieranA001]

I have edited your post for the emotional 'hotpoints', lets see if we can take it further, and shed some 'light' on the issues.



Now, your post is a musing. As you try and sort out your feelings, you stumbled quite accidentally into the reason for your experiences thus far in life, and also the answer. So I have rearranged the structure of the post, eliminated the smoke and mirrors, and left you with the concise message pertinent to self-edification. Lets now rewrite your screenplay, and see how it turns out shall we? We are after the truth :

"I don't know why, I know I should be happy, and be interested socially but I just feel that everything, including life is pointless. Because I just feel like I'm always being judged. And this destroys my confidence, self worth, and esteem, my value and integrity. Not only am I judged, but quite often criticized, bullied. When i am under pressure, like a job interview, I generally go all shy, my muscles start twitching and I get very depressed. This is natural for my body to express, given my core beliefs about myself. My feelings coupled with my experiences have left me sour, and mistrustful, my relationships usually also end badly or hurtfully. Since i really believe that, i suppress a lot of myself, my true self, and find expression very difficult if not awkward in manner and tone. My voice breaks and i am timid when asked about my strengths. Its hard for me to express them, what i feel good about, because im fearful of others reactions toward me. This of course all started in early childhood, with my conditioning, from my caretakers. I have buried those painful memories, and severed the connection consciously, so i never attribute whats happening in my life today, as a repeat of what happened then, plus i was very young. But they were critical, of me to, and judgemental, and in a very real sense, that was abusive to a child. And so i began to shut down even then. I dont know, my feelings are often hard to understand. Simply because i leave out this reference point of childhood and adolescence. I blamed myself, I was different, and in a way i thought i deserved what i got, but that made me feel guilty, and shameful about myself, and that hurts inside. I love people ! Its not that i am bored, i am scared, that they will disappoint me, let me down by criticizing me, or even abandon me, and so isolation although painful in itself is less destructive to me than rejection. I will often reject them first, rather than wait and see, so i dont have many friends."

Now that your story has been rewritten for clarity, you can study it/self and begin the process of healing, where if you find some false beliefs about who you are (from early childhood to the present day), you can change them, thereby changing your physical experience. It begins with mental reflection first, changing inside, no exceptions. Any internal changes will have an immediate effect across the board, in the outer world. You get what you expect, by projecting your feelings (beliefs) out onto others. And then like a mirror, you get to flesh out your mass hallucinations. In that context, it is not judgement from others you need to worry about, its the harsh judgement you give to self.

You are lucky, at 20 years old, that we have been able to catch all of this quickly, while you are still young!

Happy trails - that lead to self discovery !

not just that I feel like I'm being judged, I feel like I'm not good enough due to my lack of social skills, and I feel like that with my state of mind, no one will accept me, because of my phobias and depressive moods making me think pessimistically.

Another reason why I cannot have a relationship is because I feel like I'm always under pressure trying to "fit in", or socially be good enough (if that makes sense?) and the whole change is very difficult. I cannot get out of my "comfort zone", because I have no where to start, I don't have any friends, which then leads back to the vicious circle of anxiety, self-doubt and depression. How do I change
myself if I don't have any friends to be around to develop and get out of this vicious circle.

In addition, I generally find it hard to accept love because I feel like I'm "giving" myself to someone. That typically means that you're allowing yourself to trust someone with your feelings and emotions. How do I love someone if I don't love myself, because I don't know how to.

I do know that, when I get rejected by women I feel that it's my fault for having anxiety and depression. I feel that if I did something sooner rather than to have over-thought about it, then I might have had a chance. Although, in addition, I don't bother because I naturally relate it to my experience with this other girl that ditched me, thinking that this new girl will do the same thing, leaving me even more hurt!

Further, I don't feel that I deserve what I get. But, it's not normally me that rejects someone. I normally hold on to whoever I can just to feel loved and then they ditch me. I generally hate myself, because I can feel my emotions reflecting on someone else. I feel like I'm not good enough to be around them, which is why I isolate myself.

[Two One]

I understand some of what you're feeling. Last year around this time I had a lot of self-confidence issues as well. I saw myself as too psychologically broken, nobody was going to want to be friends with a guy who's anxious and depressed, right? Well let me tell you that's not true at all. It's a matter of finding the right people for you, I found out who my true friends were last summer. They were all very supportive and they all made a push to help me improve. I pushed myself to go out and try and enjoy myself, which was tough at first. Initially I would go out and put on the act for everybody and crack cynical jokes but I soon found that I was actually having a good time. Stepping out of your comfort zone is definitely a step you need to take, but maybe you need some help doing that. Once you do I promise you, you'll feel better.

As for the women issues, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others. That sounds cliche but it's true. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years last May and I was devastated when I found out she was talking to another guy just a month later. Needless to say that caused confidence issues. Do not make the mistake I did. I went and slept with some girl I went to high school with. Even though I didn't have feelings for her, it ended very, very badly. Develop real self-confidence and once you love yourself then you will be ready to love others. Real love may just be the thing that pulls you out of all the anxiety and depression.

[KieranA001]

I understand some of what you're feeling. Last year around this time I had a lot of self-confidence issues as well. I saw myself as too psychologically broken, nobody was going to want to be friends with a guy who's anxious and depressed, right? Well let me tell you that's not true at all. It's a matter of finding the right people for you, I found out who my true friends were last summer. They were all very supportive and they all made a push to help me improve. I pushed myself to go out and try and enjoy myself, which was tough at first. Initially I would go out and put on the act for everybody and crack cynical jokes but I soon found that I was actually having a good time. Stepping out of your comfort zone is definitely a step you need to take, but maybe you need some help doing that. Once you do I promise you, you'll feel better.

As for the women issues, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others. That sounds cliche but it's true. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years last May and I was devastated when I found out she was talking to another guy just a month later. Needless to say that caused confidence issues. Do not make the mistake I did. I went and slept with some girl I went to high school with. Even though I didn't have feelings for her, it ended very, very badly. Develop real self-confidence and once you love yourself then you will be ready to love others. Real love may just be the thing that pulls you out of all the anxiety and depression.

Exactly! But I mean, where on earth do I even begin to find friends that will accept me for me. You got really lucky to have met some decent friends, at least you're better now though. But it seems almost impossible given how people are these days! Mean, banter-driven, selfish, insulting, or only want you for one thing! Which is one of the reasons I feel less compelled with people. Where do you suggest I start, and where did you find these friends of yours then? But that's what I mean, when someone has anxiety and depression like me, it's really hard to find anyone else to love, especially when you have a job.

I do know that the last time I went out, which was about a year ago for a few drinks with a few people from college (who I no longer speak to) I did genuinely enjoy myself, I just felt very anxious and felt like I was being judged or that the only reason that most of them came is because most of their friends were there. I mean I wasn't even invited, until one of the other kids mentioned i and added me to the group. I just felt no social interaction was being directed towards me.

As for the women issues, I agree with what you're saying. I mean I met Grace at College in September 2013 and then in February 2014 she ditched me and went out with someone else. Well, she told me she was seeing someone else! Then she left me, although she did seem quite upset which additionally made me feel guilty for having anxiety and depression / low self-confidence. Plus her friend didn't really help either. With this other girl, I started to like her in June-ish. I left Grace completely in May, but for some reason I just started to like this girl in the six-form. Not sure if it's actually love or if it's just something I attached all of the love I lost with Grace to. It's really weird, because I still feel like I love them both, which is why I say my emotions feel really confused.

But, the thing what I don't know how to do is to love myself. How does someone even do that? I'm sorry about your breakup with your girlfriend. But hey, at least you can actually make a conversation with a girl longer than a few minutes! lol I find it hard knowing what to say, I feel like I ask too many questions, or run out of conversation topics, sometimes I don't go into detail and I never know how to make the conversation interesting or funny. Don't know if it's just due to a lack of social skills, or my anxiety and low self-confidence. I have tried taking Phenibut before, and I know that in some cases my social skills do get better although I do come along as overly flirtatious on the stuff, so I stopped taking it.

So basically, if you have any ways or suggestions that can help me love myself and be more confident / develop self-confidence then that would be great. Also, what do you think I should do about this other girl that I have fallen for? I don't want to ditch her because it will make me feel guilty, and make me think about what Grace did to me when she ditched me. I do know this other girl loves me, which is why I feel so guilty. I do feel something for her, and I leave my apprenticeship in April. (at the end of April).

[KieranA001]

Anyone? Sorry for bumping an old thread.