Random thought #9827854

I did a lot of "shadow work" with myself without knowing what shadow work is, 8 years ago when I was in my first depression in my early 20s. I walked and walked for hours, and talked with myself, in my head. I did it daily. I'm very thankful for those conversations, if anything, I think I'm able to spot my own flaws to some point. I know when I'm playing the victim card, but I do it as a stress relief thing, not saying that makes it ok, I don't do it too often (I hope). I look down on people who seem less intelligent than me. I think I'm stupid and I don't have any illusions of grandeur, I'm aware of my average. I noticed that I'm running away from my parents in a way, because of the critiques they had for me all the time when I was growing up. It made me hate criticism and automatically, hate any kind of public work. Which is bizzare since I love art.

I have some of my works published online, but I published it...well, in a childish way. Let me give you couple of examples of what I mean. Let's start with Facebook. I deleted my mom, dad and sister from there, also my cousins and any other close relatives. Why? Because I've heard them make fun of some of the posts I made, for example, we would get together and in less than 0.56543 seconds, the main talk of the table would be about something written/shared on facebook wall. I found it bizzare and lame. I hated when they "made fun" of music I shared. Or when they posted some of the "internal jokes" that nobody except us understands to my wall.

I hated it for one simple reason. Please don't think I'm some family hating social outcast. Well, maybe I am, but the reason I hated their behavior is because it painted a completely false picture. If someone observed the dynamic they tried to have with me on Facebook, it would seem as if we're the happiest of the families. In reality...I won't even bother to go there. We rarely had lunches without someone getting in some kind of an argument, way back when I lived there and we had lunch all together at the same time at the same table. We never discussed our troubled relations - without getting into more arguments. We never resolved anything. But when Facebook got around, everything was, all of a sudden, fun and games - and critiques or lighthearted mockery or some sorts.


My GF told me that I can't run away from them or the critiques and those things because I'm not physically running anywhere, I'm running from myself. I somewhat disagree. When I go on any kind of travel/trip, anywhere outside my "zone" that I'm familiar with, I feel...completely free. I can't describe that feeling to you. I feel relaxed, I want to talk to everyone, I want to socialize, I want to be nice to everyone. I don't think it has to do with being ecstatic about the travel per se. I think it has to do with me knowing none of those guys from my past is around. Family, and people I worked with that screwed me over for money.

Back to facebook, one of my sisters friends sent me a friend request the other day. I can't accept it. Why? I'm afraid she'll report what kind of shit I post or what's going on in my life, to my sister. The same reason why I don't ever share none of my art on my private facebook. I have a separate fan page, and I don't promote it to my facebook friends, because I'm afraid some of them might send the link to someone from my family, and then they'll see what I do and criticize it.

Could it be that art is my true calling? It does involve me actually putting myself OUT there, in the limelight, for everyone to see, comment, critique.


Also, am I insane?