I am employed as a substitute teacher. When I go to classrooms and schools I am familiar with I am always able to go. However, I hesitate to accept different assignments. I understand that accepting them will make me more comfortable with schools and classrooms. I do not work as often as I would like and I cancel too often. I am concerned about losing my job, as I have cancelled four times this semester, without a doctor's note. I am only permitted two "free" days off without a doctor's note. I am not contributing to my household as much as I would like. My husband works part-time and volunteers part-time. If he were to accept a full-time position that would take pressure off of me. However, my husband is very happy with his current situation, and I would like to resolve my anxiety issue, so I can carry more of the load. However, I know drastically reducing my hours has the potential to heal or hurt me mentally. I have no children, and I am struggling to work even part-time. This is a blow to my self-esteem. I regularly have an existential crises over my productivity and "contribution to society". I am concerned about being defined as "lazy". On bad days I struggle to even get dressed. I feel paralyzed, with no identifiable fear. I try to work through thoughts, but it just feels like there's a bunch of adrenaline in me. My mind feels scrambled and tense and I cannot even identify faulty thoughts. I have been working very hard not to equate my self esteem with my secular work, which has helped. When I do work, I typically do well. At times, I am immensely irritable, but on the typical day I do well.
I think that a regular position, where I go to the same place everyday would help my anxiety. Unfortunately, I am too nervous to apply for another job! I have held three different jobs for about four years a piece. The first six months or so are really difficult for me. I second-guess myself and ask constant questions, which becomes very irritating to trainers. I don't want to go through that again, but I know it is not guaranteed I will suffer that way. Also, when I work everyday for even one week, I become so irritable and emotional. I would like to be able to hold a full-time or even a close to full-time position, without suffering the whole way through, and causing others to suffer.
I am a very high-energy individual. This can be positive-happiness, giddiness, gregariousness;or intensely negative-nervousness, clenching and grinding of teeth, hyper-vigilance. Sometimes the positive and negatives co-exist or alternate rapidly. I am often feel like I am going to "burst out of my skin" because I am so excited. Excitability can be positive, but it is a negative when I feel "out of control" and I may embarrass myself with my hyperactive behavior.
A have been journaling, and doing CBT on my own for about 6 months now. I exercise daily to help with anxiety. I have been on Prozac for 18 months, and it has kept the crying spells at bay. (I suffered from anxiety for years, but I was only diagnosed 18 months ago) I do not drink any caffeine (even a tiny bit makes me intensely intense lol). I only drink alcohol occasionally, and I never binge-drink. I take Valerian as needed for intense anxiety. I take Evening Primrose Oil nightly to regulate my hormones. I have a strong support network of friends and family. These things have helped immensely, I don't feel constantly on the verge of a break-down like I used to, but I'm still not functioning as well as I would like to.
I have been diagnosed with GAD. I do not take risks (bipolar) or have panic attacks. I have occasionally suffered from depression when I get frustration with my anxiety disorder.
What can I do to improve my situation? Any suggestions about my employment? Any kind help is welcome. I am frustrated with my progress at this point.
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