Conditioned to Anxiety?

[cineman74]

I don't even know how to explain what I'm asking here.

Is it possible to have something on the brain so much that it ultimately just doesn't leave your head, sort of like you've conditioned yourself to accept that some thought(s) is there to stay? From my first post here, I didn't want this to happen, to be so anxious about something to the point where it eventually stayed with me all the time. If my anxieties are going to become as ingrained as breathing, occurring all day long, to the point where I my body isn't reacting to them, how can the unconscious ever get rid of those unwanted thoughts?

Sometimes darkness overloads a certain type of personality. My mind never went to those places before, but somehow the darkness got in, and my anxieties let it fester, really fester to the point that it's a permanent fixture these days. Now I feel like a body of water whose thought processes have just permanently polluted it.

Am I now at the point where I've conditioned myself after months of anxiety to accept all this terrible thinking? My body doesn't seem to be reacting to this anymore, which scares me. I want to rid myself of negative thinking, not keep it around.

What do I do now? Lol. My mind is kicking the crap out of me.

~Ben

[Coobie]

People have thoughts that tend to stay in our heads for months, or years. I obsess over dying young, or having some unknown illness. Some days are better than others but for the most part those thoughts are always there.

Anxiety is an OCD disorder in my opinion, just not for everyone though. In my eyes, anxiety causes me to have these obsessive thoughts, which in turn get me going thinking the worst and finally resulting in small to very large panic attacks. I have to remind myself its JUST anxiety... even when I am asking questions like the one you posted, they are just questions formed by anxiety.

Its a crappy circle we live in.. but you have to look for holes away from the same repeating thoughts... it helps. Once you finally grasp that its anxiety and not YOU it makes the whole thing so much better.. gives you more control.

[cineman74]

Thank you for that. I wish I knew what those holes could be. I feel like I have this nasty voice inside me right now that isn't me. I don't mean to say that I'm hearing voices in the sense of having insanity, but a part of my head just wants to think crudely at the world while another wants to be kind and caring. The two sides are always having a debate and the crude side just seems to linger. Negativity can be much stronger. Because of that, I'm doubting who "me" is.

I know it sounds foolish, but I feel this sense of guilt and torment. If I had to have this "voice" inside of me for more months or years, I would seriously lose my mind for real.

I just don't want to start thinking that suddenly I really *do* want to be a crude person. I'm sure it has something to do with obsessing about morality, but I can't see the whole picture clearly here. When I think ill of someone or something, for whatever reason, it wrecks me. I feel horrible and it's like reliving a nightmare. Obsessing about previous thoughts brings them back into a present context as well.

None of this makes any sense, I'm sure, but once again, thank you very much.

~Ben

[Coobie]

it makes sense =0p

You are welcome.. just try to keep your head up... I am looking to get back on meds to shut up the "voices" in my head that tell me I am going insane that I am not normal anymore that my life will never be normal again.. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate this stuff with a passion and the only bit of sanity I feel i have is the little part that tells me its just my anxiety!

What a mess we live lol.

[02Batmobile]

To answer your question: No.

I understand what you are going through and I completely understand your way of thinking. I had some scary, uncomfortable thoughts in my head that never wanted to go away. I thought I was "conditioned" to think like this. Truth is, it's the anxiety. Anxiety affects us in three ways: Physical, Behavior and Emotional. As anxiety sufferers, we all think negative. We all have scary thoughts. We all feel the "darkness" as you described. Read the book, from Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett. The book helped me out tremendously by having someone relate to me. I felt all alone in the world of anxiety that I believed I was the only one to feel this way. I was relieved when she explained her experience. There is a section entitled, "Positive Thinking." I know it's EXTREMELY hard right now, but you need to think positively. Sometimes, you'll feel good. You'll feel like your normal self and then a thought pops into your head and then you'll feel the anxiety. You need to break the cycle.

Hang in there!
-James (AOL Instant Message Me!!)