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  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    CA,USA
    Posts
    555

    Cool I ate an entire wedding cake today out of angst...................

    I went to the city where my XBF and i used to hmung out

    I went to our favorite, century old bakery.

    We use to purchase yummies there for special occasions.

    I looked at many yummies, I began drooling, not sure if it was the heat or the sweet sufferings which I was starring at.

    I ordered a wedding cake with ritual designs that reminded me of the past.

    I went back, way the heck B-A-C-K, college years back.....

    I picked up my(our) cake.

    I drove to a special place that was very meaningful to me .

    A place of zero anxiety.

    A cool, dark, forest.

    I hiked to a area not so visible to everyone else.

    I sat down with my wedding cake and put out 2 place mats.

    1 for my dead X and 1 for me.

    Then I sliced the cake into 1/2.

    I ate a 1/2 of the cake.

    I hate to pollute , but I left his half there.

    It is still there in a hidden spot in my cool, precious, and majestic lil forest .

    A place we both hiked at many times together.

    We even had a car accident in that area 1x.

    Now I am back at home and coming down from a sugar high.

    My tummy is so bloated, and I am very anxious of gaining any weight now, after this Super Binge.

    Kind of like,"The last Supper."

    Only a perverse version, my ex is dead.

    He took his life in 2004.

    His mom didn't even tell me until 3 months after .

    I was not invited to his scattering of the ashes.

    And my Holiday vacation and fantasies of what ever would become of my X Boyfriend were ruined forever!!!

    I miss him.

    I wish he would have loved me more, and never have broken off our "Secret Engagement."

    No one knew we were planning to get married.

    So he later went out with his buddies and they thought 0 of me being left at home w/o him.

    He would come home semi drunk, and smelling of ciggs and liquor.

    I prayed that couples counseling would help us.

    It failed us.

    He broke up with me.

    10 yrs after that is when his mama said that he had "Taken" his own life.

    I will NEVER know the TRUTH.

    And it hurts, just like my stomach now aches, and the sweet sugar gnaws away at my teeth and my mouth is in pain from gorging myself on pseudo wedding cake.

    This is not "Act II, take II."

    No, it was true.

    And of course I @ times feel blue.

    And am left by myself with a case of Agoraphobia and social anxiety too.

    But at least he didn't take me with him, too.

    He was my 1st and my last BF/BF/lover/fighting partner/tutor/hiking partner/co-pilot,etc.......

    Amen Lord, AMEN.......



    Sincerely,
    1Bluerose68
    Last edited by 1Bluerose68; 10-06-2014 at 10:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    CA,USA
    Posts
    555
    P.S., It's now 2AMish and i'm still on a SUGAR HIGH.

    I can't sleep, I took a walk earlier to relieve the tension on my abs and my jaw.

    But I'm still all tensed up.

    The poem that I wrote really got to me too after I read and re-read it several times checking for errors.

    Then later i downed another sugary Lemon Luna Bar.

    Like that was gonna bring me down any quicker from my sugar high.

    I need to go find a 25 yd pool and swim 200 laps straight on through until i collapse, i think.

    Oh well I suppose i will just go pick out my wardrobe for work, and see what sweet sugary cereal i shall have for breakfast with my rotten banana, and Non-fat Milk.

    I think I am the 1 who must admit myself to an ED Clinic/Sleep Disorder Clinic.

    I hope Malibu Man comes to the ER to pick me up.

    Last time he just checked me in for a heart arrhythmia and gently groped my boob as he walked away.

    But he was such a babe from out of Norway, that he could have gotten into the hospital bed with me and I wouldn't have minded his company.

    Not enough of him around here.

    I just don't fit in either my old clothes or into this neck of the CA woods.

    This is just in-conducive to living THE LIFE.

    Anxiety begets a out of control, full fledged, emotionally driven food frenzy, and that then leads to sugar high, which begets insomnia, which begets, poor appetite for the morning and feeling ravenous for a meal by 11AMish.

    Ughhhhhhh....I did go to the gym today and it felt really healthy after Not having worked out there for 1 month almost.

    I have got to be More Disciplined.

    I need a REAL diet Guru

    Lord, I have a real goal now. At least 1 for now.


    1Bluerose68
    Last edited by 1Bluerose68; 10-08-2014 at 03:02 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Indiana, USA :)
    Posts
    5,670
    Now I want cake!!
    We live, we learn Blue.
    Hope for a better day friend.

    E-Man
    I made a sock puppet,..and liked it. SO THEN I JUST TOOK A PILL.
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