18 and possibly suicidal (please help me!)

[RoseJacobs]

I know this is long, but please read! I need to know if I should seek professional help!

Hello, my name is Rose and I'm 18, but I've suffered from serious mental health issues since I was at least 13.
I struggle to recall a time when I was at least content with my life. I tried to runaway around my 14th birthday, and I still, to this day, don't know why.
I felt so numb to everything. I walked for ten miles straight in the cold rain before calling home during what I'm assuming was my first panic attack.
Since then, I've struggled with anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, and yes, even self-harm. I had to drop out of college because I would suffer from terrible panic attacks before every class.
I would cry and cry and gasp for breath. It felt like I couldn't fill my lungs even half way. My chest was tight, like an elephant was sitting on my rib cage, slowly crushing me. If anyone touched me, I would lose it and start shaking violently.
Even if I just had one essay to write, or one homework assignment, it was overwhelming to me. It felt like absolute torture.
I'm terrible at articulating my feelings in real life, so eventually, people stopped asking me why I feel the way I do. My father was emotionally abusive, and was a big source of anxiety for me for a long time before my parents divorced.
These days though, I can't pinpoint the exact reason for my anxiety, which only makes me more fearful. I can't get a job like this, I don't sleep well, and no one seems to care about me.
Most days, I don't even leave my house. Most days, I can't find the energy to get out of bed or even take care of myself. Sometimes I won't bathe for a week, and I often forget to brush my teeth or wash my face.

I'll have an abysmal appetite some days (sometimes only eating a banana or a sleeve of crackers in a day) and then at the end of the week become a bottomless pit, eating all kinds of weird things because my hunger is insatiable.
Other times, I'll eat a meal just because someone told me to, never really tasting the food. Eating in front of people (even my family and friends) gives me a lot of anxiety, so often I'll cover my mouth or chop my food up in tiny pieces so I look more dainty when I eat, even though anyone will tell you I'm the opposite of dainty. I engage in constant body monitoring, even when I'm alone, and have extreme self-esteem issues.
I'm constantly afraid that my family/friends/and even strangers hate me, even when they tell me they don't.
When I hear someone giggle behind me, or when I see someone whispering to someone else, I automatically assume they're talking about me.
I even know how crazy this sounds! But it doesn't stop my mind from going there. I'm terrified of loud noises, big crowds, strangers, pretty much anything I am not familiar with.
I have an intense fear of being raped. I have vivid nightmares of men raping everyone I know and making me watch before they rape me. It feels so real.
I've even had a terrible episode where I woke up in the middle of my dream and thought it was still happening. I was so scared I cried for two hours straight.
Lately, I'm alone at home until about 6:00 at night. Which means I have about 8 hours to spend in my own fucked up thoughts.
When my family members get home from work, I feel like no one wants to spend time with me.
I feel like they think I'm annoying. I feel like they don't believe I'm sick.

I had stopped self-harming a couple years ago when my mom caught me, but just recently started again and I don't know why. I burn my knuckles with lighters and hot metal, never bad enough to leave scars, just bad enough to feel it for a few hours.
I'll even pinch pieces of my skin between my finger nails until I bleed. I do it when I feel ugly, depressed, anxious, you name it. When I'm driving on the highway, I imagine crashing into a barrier, or driving off the overpass.
I imagine getting hit by cars while I'm out walking. I imagine myself bleeding out on hot concrete, feeling calm. I want to die, but I'm not completely sure I want to kill myself, if that makes any sense...I think about it a lot though.
Today, I went skateboarding and actually tried to eat concrete, but it didn't work. When I got home I spent a few hours calling myself stupid, pinching myself, wanting to die. I still want to die.

I know I need help, but I feel like there's no use. I can't even see a doctor because I have so much anxiety, I wouldn't be able to tell them all this. I would stutter and end up self-harming afterwards I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT.
I feel like outpatient care would not be an option. I'd just feel the same things when I got home. But I also feel like a week with inpatient would not be enough if they even agreed to in in the first place! I don't know what to do. Please help me.
I'm afraid that if things continue this way, I might actually be stupid enough to kill myself. I know that I don't actually want to die. I want to live. But I don't want to live like this...any advice is appreciated.

[gypsylee]

Hi Rose,

Well you definitely sound anxious and depressed. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I would suggest "baby steps" - starting with little things each day. Like even just getting up and having a shower. I know it sounds like a small thing but it's big when you have depression. Or something like eating something healthy when you really don't feel like it. Once you start with these small things you can get on a bit of a roll.

I've dragged myself out of depression like this many times. It's horrible but it isn't as hard as your depressed mind thinks.

Then eventually you could maybe go and see someone about it. But I know what it's like when you can't even cope with going to see a doctor.

Well done posting on here - it's a start!

You don't really want to end your life.. There ARE ways out of depression and anxiety.

Take care,
Gypsy

[gypsylee]

Also, if you don't get many replies here, try posting in the "Anxiety Disorders --> General Discussion" forum.

[Enduronman]

I wouldn't be able to tell them all this. I would stutter and end up self-harming afterwards I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. I don't know what to do. Please help me.
I'm afraid that if things continue this way, I might actually be stupid enough to kill myself. I know that I don't actually want to die. I want to live. But I don't want to live like this...any advice is appreciated.

Write this down, or print this off, and go see a doctor.
Yes, you need some professional help, asap.
There is a way out of this mess, but it will take a willingness and a desire to make this happen.
Total effort on your part as this is consuming your entire life friend...
Hoping for better days!

E-Man

[Kuma]

E-man is right -- you should see a psychiatrist and begin to get some help. We all thought it would be extremely difficult to start this process. But really it is not nearly as hard as you would think, because the doctors know how to get things started. No matter how anxious you are, a doctor will be able to help you feel better. You are not experiencing anything they have not seen many times. It seems overwhelming to you, but not to the doctor. You will feel better. It may not happen overnight. It may require a combination of medication and therapy. And it may take some effort on you part. But you are NOT beyond help. There are people with the same issues you have who have gotten treatment and gone on to live happy and productive lives.

Obviously you want help. Otherwise you would not have posted on this board. So take the first step. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. Call him (or her). Make an appointment. The sooner you take this first step, the sooner you will feel better.

[Im-Suffering]

I'm afraid that if things continue this way, I might actually be stupid enough to kill myself. I know that I don't actually want to die. I want to live. But I don't want to live like this...any advice is appreciated.

1 800 442-HOPE

1 877 YOUTHLINE

The first is for self harm/suicide.

The second is to talk it out with peers your age.

Both anonymous, non judgmental, and free to call as many times a day as you wish.

Do it Rose, none of this is your fault.

WWW.HOPELINE.COM

[mister_highjinx]

I agree with E-Man. Nothing wrong with at least trying. Anything would be better than whats currently going on right? I know how you feel and starting out with baby steps can definitely help. Also - taking a look at some things that may have made you get to this point - and reasoning if they are worse or better or not a factor at all might help you feel better about your situation. Everything has and will always happen for a reason. It can take a while to see the real reason behind it - but in most cases it is for the better. Its hard being 18 and not having a lot of real life scenarios to be able to look back on just due to your brain becoming and adult just recently. You have time on your side and thats a great thing!

[Jaydestorey]

I'm obviously not a doctor but to me it does sound like you're experiencing severe anxiety and depression, and definitely have extremely low self-esteem which worsens both of these. I really think it could benefit you looking into types of therapy, in my opinion CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) is by far the most useful and effective, but obviously it depends on the individual and the therapist and lots of other factors! You deserve to have support and to have someone help you change, you're obviously very unhappy and you don't deserve any of this hate and pain you're inflicting on yourself, not that i'm blaming you at all.

About seeing the doctor, I know this is one of THE hardest things with anxiety but please try to think about it rationally. Doctors spend so many years and loads of money getting trained to do these jobs, most of them are really passionate about helping people and most of them have seen and heard everything. If you did stutter, cry, find yourself unable to talk etc, if they're a decent doctor they'll be patient and understanding. Maybe your practice will let you talk to your doctor over the phone or email a doctor if you're more comfortable with either of those? In England (sorry if you're already in England) if you're a risk to your own health or life, I think you have to be referred to a facility where you can get treatment and be kept under watch.

You don't deserve to live like this and it's not hopeless, you may have very severe problems but there's never no chance of recovery