Being alone, because you have to

[namaste87]

I have been on sick leave for 4 years now. All my life I have been kind of addicted to intense relationships with friends and lovers. The first three years of my sick leave I still was like that, but then, because all my BFFs moved from town (maybe on gods advice), I had to stand alone. I still have close friends and mates in town, but those who I saw several times a week is gone. This, off course, has been very hard to go through. And so I have been desperate to find a lover or a new BFF. But when I did, i realised I didn't want it. And now, just yesterday, I told her so.

The reason I don't want it is because I don't have room for it in me. I don't have the emotional energy to engage that much in another person. I just get so very very irritable and distansed.

This thing I have did, told a best friend that I don't want to see her that often, is something that I would never ever have done 1-2 years ago. So I guess it's progress. I have managed the self-esteem and security that I need to respect myself, even if it means I could get lonley. But, oh lord, it's so hard.

I guess that a lot of you have the same kinds of experienses. I would love to read your stories.

All my love / Kristina

[Xerosnake90]

Progress in self esteem to fulfill your desires is great. But you're sure pushing people away to a more distant level is the thing you want?

You explain your desires to have something, then when you obtain it you back off. Why are you afraid of a further commitment? Is it really so taxing on you or your well being by having others in your life? Your desires to be alone lead to what? Do you find yourself enjoying life better when by yourself. Or are your best memories of times spend with others laughing and enjoying their company?

Love others the same you do yourself. It's tough given the nature of your condition. Often you can feel overwhelmed, you want to leave the situation you're in because it'll bring you peace. But guess what? When you look at yourself from the outside and you see two different people. One whom avoids their issues and the other that fights through it. Ultimately the one living and enjoying life is the one you wish most to be like.

Avoidance is not progress. You don't get the satisfaction of climbing a mountain by avoiding the climb and taking a helicopter up instead. Understand this metaphor and apply it accordingly. Your heart is in a good place, your mind needs guidance to do the same. Take care, you can get the things you want. Make sure you know what those things truly are.

[Enduronman]

I have been on sick leave for 4 years now.

What plans, if any, does your doctor have for you?
4 years of sick leave, seems to be a pattern of some sort.
May be time to take action here.
Wishing you the best!

E-Man

[namaste87]

I am in KBT and rehabilitation Thankyou!