Must make myself go to work again today.TGIF @ least...

[1Bluerose68]

TGIF, but I must get off to work as I owe many bills every month. If I had NO RESPONSIBILITY and a SUGAR DADDY-O for a Fiancee or husband I suppose that my agoraphobia and weight gain could be much worse. My fiancee makes me get out and work. He wants me to be Responsible. He tells me that he won't come and visit me unless I get out and work at least 3x a week and do house work every weekend with him, to keep me busy and my mind occupied tooo.

He can be soo overbearing to me but I need to be told what to do sometimes. This morning my mind went totally blank for a few secs and then all the kitchen lights went out. It was scary.

Then I went into the fuse box and found a fuse had been switched down. So I had to re-set it all over again. I felt like a ghostly presence was about and I was being punished for having nothing on my mind for a few secs before the power went out. Did I make it happen? I kind of feel guilty , like my miindlessness and blank state for those few secs made The Power go out and shocked me back literally to my senses. I can't explain what happened this morning, except that it was spooky for that to happen at 5AM.

It's fun waking up early. I'm gonna get in the habit of this early awakening. I feel so calm at this hour of the morning. Its so quiet and no one else is up but me...

I better go now, and I hope I make it through the day w/o any further Power Surges. It just felt like I died or my HEART stopped for a few secs. My ex died 10 years ago this day .

His mom said that they found him with a bullet wound to his head. I will Never know the truth about that. We were very close friends. I wish he never had changed on me, or we could have been happily married, and probly created a nice family.

But he took a different road in life than I. I do miss him. I wonder if his mother is even alive anymore? She never talks to me, ever since 10 yrs before he took his life, and we had gone our separate ways. She and I never even sat for a cup of tea and gossiped or anything. And I didn't impose on her as I didn't want to be pushy or like the lady in,"Fatal Attraction." She just didnt know when Enough was Enough!!!

Its like the Italian saying, "When you're here with US, then you're family." But........el cont-rare I suppose???

[Im-Suffering]

My ex died 10 years ago this day.

Enough said my dear, in just that one sentence. You are dearly loved, a part of him does wish things went differently and you had married. But that was not to be, this life. The love however, you take with you. So the love will draw you together again. Never fear, nothing is truly lost.

He wants you to go on, and live your life, confident, secure, and full of love. No one love shall diminish another, each builds and makes you stronger, more fulfilled, so open up and let love in, no guilt, no shame. Each individual love has its own legs to stand on. And that can never be taken away.

That is his message.

Carry that forward and let yourself be truly loved and cared for. Without the fear of loss or early death. In so doing your soul will find its joy, rest, peace on earth this life.

End/