Anxiety, Panicking and looking for a cure

[Melissahope]

Hello! My name is Melissa and I am 19 (20 in 2 weeks). I have suffered from depressive traits and bipolar since I can remember.

As a child, the doctor wanted to go down the autistic route because of my moods and OCD, thankfully my mother did not let this happen as she did not want me 'labelled' she just wanted help on how to make me happy (it is 'thankfully' as it is very obvious that I am not autistic). My mother did research on how parents deal with autistic children and some of these methods did work! My OCD is so much better than it was and I find it a lot easier to deal with if it creeps up on me.

At the age of 12 I began suffering from anxiety/panic attacks every night when I went to bed and it got to the point where I could not get to sleep without my stepfather sitting next to my bed and holding my hand. I went to therapy and it was fantastic! Well, for the first appointment.. Unfortunately my therapist went on maternity leave after only 1 appointment with her so I was passed on to a different therapist. This different therapist did not listen, he presumed things and even asked me questions such as "do you throw bricks at old people"! As you can imagine, I never went back and still have a fear of going to therapy.

My stepfather slowly eased me out of having to have him there to fall asleep and this would just leave me awake all night, until one night I fell straight asleep and didn't have another panic attack for another 5 years!

I was always a big eater. Food was literally my hobby and I even remember my mum saying to me "please don't ever change" whilst I wolfed down a huge Sunday dinner, almost the same sized plate as my 6ft stepfather! I was at a sleepover with my best friends, we were all eating a takeaway and I suddenly began to panic. I paced around the house for a while and tried controlling my breathing until it stopped.. and my eating hasn't been the same since. In fact, now, I barely eat 1 meal a day. Yesterday, I ate less than 1 slice of beans on toast and a chocolate bun and some crisps. What the hell happened to me?!

I stopped eating for around 6 months and by my 18th birthday I was living in a young peoples hostel and looked anorexic. Unfortunately, due to my moods my mother sent me to my dads house for a while, and as the crappy father he has always been, he put me straight into a hostel for homeless children because he didn't want to look after me. I was there for 6 weeks before I told my mum and she took me home.

Since this, I'm constantly up and down. I go through periods of having attacks very often and then I go through periods of not having any for ages. I start eating really well and put weight on, then I stop eating almost all together.

At the moment I'm having the attacks and my eating has dropped to almost a stop. My GP signed me off work for 2 weeks and I agreed to go to CBT, and unfortunately I lost my job of 2 years for having the 2 weeks off.

I'm now unemployed, suffering from attacks, worse than ever before, becoming more depressed and finding it difficult to drink never mind eat.

My hope is to get advice from other on here to help me defeat this anxiety and help others along the way, too!

[cindy_xox]

Hey Melissa,
Well first welcome on the forum, I think you found the right place to get advice and encouragments.
I know what you're dealing with ; when I started to have panic attacks last year, I couldn't sleep by myself. My mom had to sleep next to me, and when I slept alone, I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about numbers ( for god knows why ) , in panic . I was going to the hospital 4 days a week and if my mom left my side I would panic even more. I couldn't eat, was constantly vomiting... it was hell. I'm also a eater, and this morning I had a rough night (full of nightmares) so I was barely able to take my breakfast , I had to give it to my stepfather. Anyway. I never went to CBT, but I go every now and then to the psychiatric hospital, and when I started, I saw a doctor who just made me feel more nervous then helped, so I know how you feel.

I hope you'll feel at home here as much as I do , and I hope I can help you a little!

Cindy

[Kayyyyp]

Hi Melissa and Cindy... Totally new to this forum I'm afraid!

Just wanted to say that I can really understand the things you're both saying.

I have gone to CBT before, not for depression exactly but for a phobia i have surrounding eating / food in general.

I am so sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time at the moment Melissa - what with losing your job and everything but i would think that is a sign (in the least gay way possible!) that the job wasn't right for you anyway. If anything you can now take some time to yourself to reflect on what exactly it is that is making you like you are...

Having recently just finished university (i'm 22 and getting old...) I found myself in a position I hadn't been in for three years. Back at home, surrounded by old friends.. or lack of... I sort of never felt so alone.

While I was at uni - i had three of my best friends, but it all ended badly in the end really, as a whole. I have difficulties with many aspects of my life - and that is why its been hard for me to adjust back to being at home again. In general, I think i'm a happy person - but believe me, i've had so many anxiety attacks like you both have - and have palpitations a great deal of the time. I have a new job starting tomorrow, and i'm so anxious... it genuinely MAKES me depressed. Its crazy, but I think sometimes you just need people in the same boat as you to talk it through.. which is why I joined this site!

I hope you guys respond to me... take care ! x