I hope you guys are ready to read my life story. I hadn't intended to write this much, but at the time it all seemed important to mention and now I am hesitant to from delete my extensive memoirs.
I am 22 years old, and about 7 months ago I started having panic attacks. I guess I had had a lot of life changes (I got really sick, my boyfriend of 7 years moved to Texas for grad school, I am about to graduate/applying for grad school, I have to move back in with my folks, I am away from my family and friends, I am in charge of a few student organization groups, etc...) but I hadn't felt too stressed about it until I started having panic attacks which made it hard to fulfill my obligations. I guess the most concerning part of it all was I went through very strong periods of depersonalization. By periods, I mean months at a time just feeling out of it. I started to question the reality of everything. In turn that led me to feel as though I was going crazy. I saw some video in a psychology class a few years ago about what it was like to be Schizophrenic. It scared the shit out of me but I didn't think much about it until recently. Now it's all I can think about. I wake up and assess my thoughts. I go to sleep thinking about whether my thoughts are indicative of a much more dire diagnosis. I find myself analyzing my thoughts, to determine if I am thinking a thought that could be deemed paranoid, or if I am in fact hearing things. I'll get myself in an absolute tizzy thinking that at last, it is happening, I have heard a whisper, or thought some other scary thought. Then I will either get distracted by some flippin' shinny object and will forget to be scared for a moment, or I will realize that I am more scared of the fact that I might be developing paranoid thoughts or hearing things than I am the whatever initially spooked me.
I have always had a nervous disposition, and have often been afraid of things that most did not care about. For example, I found it hard to sleep at night because of the fact that I was scared of ghosts, demons, and the boogeyman. I went to really religious schools that really sort of beat that fear into my head. When I was younger I used to have a lot of night terrors and some of them have really stuck with me. I remember dreaming that I was awake and that there was a demon/man trying to come into get me. Then I would wake up in the same location that the nightmare occurred at, so I would think that it had really happened. The dreams themselves stopped when I was 6, but the fear of ghosts and demons persisted until I was 19. That isn't too uncommon of a fear, otherwise shows like "Ghost Adventures" wouldn't exist. I guess now I am scared that if I go crazy, those fears are going to become more of a 'reality' than I am prepared to deal with. I have also had some bouts of sleep paralysis, but I was always aware of what was going on in those so it never really worried my much. I would feel some pressure on my chest and I couldn't move but that was usually the worst of it. I think I may have hallucinated twice, but I always took solace in the fact that it was just sleep paralysis.
It's funny because I don't have many factors that would suggest that I have much of a probability to develop Schizophrenia or the other disorders I fear (Bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc..). While anxiety is very present in my family, and some depression there is nothing else to worry about. No Schizophrenic uncle, no long lost cousin with bi polar disorder, but I am still scared shit less. I do have some family members that I personally think are a bit off, since they have some anxiety and addictions issues. Oh, it should be stated that in the opinion of my sister and I, my mother seems to exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I am in no way trained to make that assessment and am entirely partial to the situation, but my sister has her master's in psychology and is currently going for her PhD. I read that anxiety is a symptom to many of these disorders so I was rather fearful, taking that to mean that I was likely to develop BPD, or schizophrenia. I guess in order to be diagnosed an anxiety problem (as it has been in my case), that has to be the dominant complaint. You can't complain about impulsive behavior, tempestuous emotions, and paranoid thoughts as the most dominant trait and still expect a medical professional to place you within the range of anxiety disorders. I guess I was just including this as a final thought to reaffirm that I am, in fact a hypochondriac.
I have smoked some pot but I heard, perhaps incorrectly, unless done from a very young age (before 12) it does not really contribute much towards developing a disorder. I suppose I had something of a stressful childhood, what with my nervous disposition and my abusive parents. I was mostly verbally abused, but I did get hit sometimes for things that did not merit it. Case in point, the first time I had a panic attack my mother hit me because she was drunk and I had begged her to leave me alone. She then told me how my boyfriend and friends would leave me if I kept being so melodramatic. Before my dad left when I was 14 his wife was very abusive. She called my sister and I bitches/whores and shook and slapped me once. Other than that I am all good. I was stabbed with a pencil once, but they contain graphite so I don't even have the handy dandy lead poisoning factor to rely on. I am aware that I am behaving like a hypochondriac, switching to whichever mental disorder most suits my fancy from one day to the next, but I still find that I can't stop.
I am going to a shrink right now, and I am not sure how I feel about her. I am moving back with my folks in 1 1/2 months so there is no point in looking for a new one in the mean time. I am also taking Buspar. My shrink says that I have panic disorder and is also trying to determine if I have OCD as well. I really don't want to have OCD, and am scared that I have it, but I guess if those are the cards I have I might as well play them to the best of my abilities (if you'll pardon overused the metaphor). Mostly, my shrink says that I never learned to deal with my negative emotions, so I have developed thought patterns that facilitate the formation of anxiety disorders.
So I guess the point to this exceptionally long rant, is are there other fine folks out there that feel as I do? I get agoraphobic at times and get too scared to leave my bed, let alone my room. But I find that as soon as I get up and going, things tend to get a little easier. My shrink once said that "avoidance is fertilizer for anxiety," so I should try to face my fears a bit at a time. Easier said than done, but I am still unsure what to do about my fears for going crazy. Do I act a little crazy from time to time? Relinquish moderate amounts of control, so that I will no longer fear losing it? How is it that you all deal with your problems? Do you do your breathing exercises, or do have a persistent thought that assists you in times of trouble? I just am not sure if I should keep checking and checking and checking, then perpetually try to reassure myself through previous experiences and seeking out the advice of those close to me.
Either way, thanks for reading this. It was nice to get it all down on proverbial paper. I hope you all have a terrific day and that you will get relief from whichever personal demons ails you.
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