WARNING Content ->Raw Emotion - My head space and Check List.

[Ponder]

Righto -

I best bunker down in here. Friends welcome to join that understand how screwed up I have become. I best check my feelings here. Same as others no friends and feeling extremely volatile.

I have already been "Flagged" on the system as after making a desperate call to the local "Community Mental Health Service" - My prescribed meds were cited by name, before I had said a thing.

The day earlier, I lost it in one of the medical centers due to a rather heartless and mechanical doctor who left my for dead with a spiteful goodbye outside his door, with me not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to ask for or do. I completely lost it and made it out without then police intervention. I walked backward and forwards a few times out the front wondering where my car was parked and what else was next on my list - Shopping! I found a seat right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle - there I sat - waiting for either the police to show, or me to zone in on the air conditioning and through the haze of utter mixed rage and raw emotion. "FUCK IT - Now I have to start this whole process all over again!"

Wife back in Hospital -

BRB -

[Dahila]

I wish I could give you some very smart advice, but I am dealing with a lot in my life, and I have no advice......The only what I can do is listen to you, Dave

[Ponder]

...and that is fine with me Dahila. Thanks all the same. The advice I shall receive via my upcoming appointment re- my call, to the Community Mental Health Services. Their they shall provide me with some options - to which comes the stale adage; "your choice" syndrome and or "What can we do for you" Then add to that, "What medication are you on?" "Oh - you not taking any???" The medication and typical clinical reaction to "No, I'm having a break - I find psychotherapy to be quite adequate with my exercise thanks", often quells both a dismissal and obvious dissatisfied expression from those doctors that like to use the word medication, as if it where a leash or harness to keep one in check.

The clinical process across the board reeks with a dehumanization process that more suited to a slaughter house processing food. Hell, by the time they input all my wife's details and run us about - it's EIGHT DAYS later, that they decide they'll reconnect the broken bones in her right lower leg. In that time she was rejected care with more than one attempt regarding the pain and continual swelling - "You privately insured comes the reply" - Seems more and more like a case of Elysium for those in the know, and know thy place. The arrogance of these professionals, can be seen in the adornments they shameless display. It was only the other morning at 3AM I contemplated such a thing as the doctor scribbled away with his Rolex, only inches from my Ebay Chinese plastic time piece. Sitting there and watching him process the responses coming from my wife - him with the power to help or not. Another 8 hours pass, before my wife is sent home without help, only to made feel worse for wasting Rolex's Time!

Educational status means shit to me - Plastic People who's only substance is worn externally, to show their place amongst the professional kingdom, and to show others how high they stand. I'd rather remain a cripple than be treated by such demeaning individuals!

So it is, that I now must prepare my NON MEDICATION TREATMENT SPEECH ...

Although the appointment at this community mental health place is not for some days yet, I drove over in the vicinity to find the place. After finally working out where I may be able to park, I went in search of the building. Walked in and started reading some of the pamphlets. "You right there mate?" - "Yea, I got an appointment next week, just wanted to aquatint myself with the place - I'll be out of your hair soon" (flatly said) -

After walking into that medical center unprepared - my fuse is now pretty much burning. Hell, I was almost in tears ringing that mental health place, but detected too much authority creeping in with the ladies tone who fielded that call. Citing my meds the way she did really threw me off and sent the alarm bells ringing! Turns out she is the one going to be interviewing me. Sigh - Truth is, I need a good cry! What comes to mind here as well, is that if I do - next will come "hows about being a good boy and go back on your meds" perhaps not said like so - Such a shame if I can't be encouraged with what already works -

Arrrrrrr - but then I guess it's said, "If so, then why are you here?" - True enough I guess - Fuck it - Throw me back on the Chemicals - those mind blockers - that'll do the trick!

Hmmmmm - I think not. I'd rather wait till the ramblings of park bench despair set in, before the doping begins. The reason I am here is to get some one on one - have a cry (But one does have to be careful who ones open up too!) - I'm here - because ???? -

What other options you got other than chemical?

I think it's time for me to see what groups are about. Online is OK, but has it's limits - not to mention pit falls as well.
So far - my own plans of exercise, sun and healthy eating - have been somewhat offset with unforeseen events. Wife's broken Leg at the worst possible hour. Not to mention the recent "notice to leave" before time and then the move itself plus BS tenancy treatment. As for the fucked up doctor and his own attitude - I'll be fucked if I'll let things like that look down on me. Medication - Pffffft - tether yourself! Sure it has it's place - but again - these are the plastic things who abuse their power and treat us like shit.

On that note - time for me to take some of my own medicine and hit the treadmill. Some more beach walking and begin with the stretches. I so hope this individual is able to HELP me next week! Again - it's time to go out and find others like me - In the non digital world.

Must ring hospital - prepare dinner for the boy - and read some sci-fi.

This here be my check list and the wall to which I bounce my words. Whatever works - Raw is what it is, till my wifes leg heals, I change me SHAPE - and do what I must in order to try my hand at a little participation. JFC; Coming from the man that wishes to disassociate! I guess even us people haters need friends too.

The Troll Brigade - LOL - aaaahahahahahaha....

[Ponder]

Treadmill - CHECK!
AWESOMEEEEE SWEAT SESSION -

Mindfulness walk on the sand - Next.

[Ponder]

"Yep yep ... no problem. Twice verified now - and clearly understood. All aboard ... last call.

I'm using my own two feet for support on this one.

Thankfully my main system just crashed after setting up. I also have my hands full with Mother in Law coming to "help with house" Not sure how that will go.

None the less I will use this as my dumping ground - until the trash starts to add flavour, then perhaps I may be able to help spread the petals that mask the smell.

Excellent Walk - I found a system in which to air myself out before grinding on - with the sweat!

Lots - lots to do! ... we shall see, how the system chooses to deal with those of us - choosing a path - Med Free! - Hand Cuffs! Bridging the gap between professional main stream thinking and genuine health "CARE" Based on individual needs - Not some "degree!" I said I would not tolerate such capitalist tinkers playing with peoples lives like so.

I'll do the therapy - find the group sessions, participate - practice the "mindfulness" get back into my photography - watch my diet and exercise - but lets see how doctors react on a personal level when they hear about being med free - Most will simply not help; Alas the term - The Leash!

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - actually, I'll just tell em, I am using Valerian :
http://www.enetmd.com/content/treat-anxiety-Valerian

Worked well on me the other night - I wonder if that will suffice to keep their dissatisfaction from imposing on me. I do believe I will take some tonight - even trial it before having to suffer the indignity of a GP visit regarding my request for the 12 month mental health plan. Pompous pricks! Quick to dope you up, yet make you beg for a bit of one on one with so called paid listeners. Now that's SAD!

I often have to remind myself "Dave, you know these people are paid to listen! hmmmmm lets get that straight!" - NEXT!

[Ponder]

If Society wishes to go on with all its BS inequality, the least it can do is live up to it's own responsibility in cleaning up its MESS! They make these fancy claims of health and welfare safety nets, but the administration robs people of their dignity which ensures its own position - done - next - done - next - nothing but the revolving door treatment. It's beyond an imperfect world - pfffffft - at such reasoning. Not to worry - Jesus is coming back soon - let's leave it up to Him and His father to fix.

Now - to find those herbs!

[Dahila]

Valerian is pretty potent, but you need to take a break from it after 6 weeks, two weeks break, I hope that you will find someone who will listen, and instead reaching for prescription pad, will give you some ideas...

[Ponder]

If a substance really made gain in working as it should, then a brake should do no harm for the leverage gained.

I was thinking more the taxing on liver with regards to break but then was only assuming. With regards to it being potent, it leaves me nowhere as doped during the mornings as Quitepine. Good News is - at least this morning - I'm up fresh before the Sun.

Going to Google times and see if it's worth getting the camera out.

TY

[Ponder]

whilst it pays to be in the moment, that one passed me by. Seems one has to be up around 4am here to set up in the right spot.

I never got around taking the Valerian at any rate - by the time I hit the sack and made an attempt to do some light reading, I fell to sleep at any rate. My persistence whilst choosing NOT to ware blinkers is slowly making some gain. Sure I'm a raging bull within, however that storm must come to pass as it always does, after having let go for so long. If I can not face each of these unfoldings and revelations as they approach, be and continue - and do it on my own grounds - then I am not myself, but a pawn in this facade; this pursuit of happiness that is so taught to set us free.

[Ponder]

Damn it - back on the Tab with all its limitations - sounds a bit like the liberty, yet another word used with as much compassion a weapon could muster. Everyone works so hard to climb the ladder - to find thier niche - then it's all about paying thier debt - what they owe - to everyone else. The guilt, fear and shame - bolstered and fostered within only to be passed when the externals have been gained - Here I stand with all these things that make me; yet more more awaits in the after life - back to work so thouest will become even more richer in eternity!

Meanwhile - back in the Opraha Winfrey Aid Camps - where those little devils are forgiven due to deing so young, yet born into Sin. How quaint such religious BS can be. Always some way to justify having so much - to skip on by with a few quotes - as if anothers words did not exist, but for thier own popularity -