I have no confidence in myself and feel suicidal all the time

[Kyle Morgan]

I have suffered with Depression and Anxiety for many years now, it's gotten worse lately because my parents have split up and I have been having panic attacks which stops me from doing things that I enjoy doing. A lot of my friends have turned on me lately because they've found out about my depression. I had a female friend who was there at first but now she barley even acknowledges me and has been ignoring me for a while because a friend of mine had said something to her on facebook which was nothing to do with me.
I sent her this message below, tell me what you think, I've lost so many friends I don't want to lose her too. Tell me if this message sounds ok? The reason I want to send her this message is because I've come close three times now in the past month of killing myself. That's the thing with people, they moan when the person's dead saying that they wished they helped them, but when the person is alive begging them for help, people act like they don't want to know. It annoys me, if I'm dead why care then it's too late. I've had problems with bullies, I'm ugly, I find it extremely hard to relate and get on well with people. I'm a nice guy to people but they just act like douches to me. How can I stay happy when I have nobody to support me, I should just die already. Down below is what I sent to my female friend, she will probably laugh, or block me.

I'm going to be straight with you, the reason I'm talking to you a lot is because I think you're a nice cool person and you are the only female friend I have really, and I feel like I can trust you because you seem a kind person. I know I don't know you really well but to me you seem like a tidy person and we were getting on extremely well the first few months of college.
I'm sorry for bringing it up again but I can't bottle things up any more.
It's hard to talk to guys about problems and family. I'm really upset, sometime last week I almost took my own life. Please don't tell anybody about this, My mother already knows about this. I just need to chat because I have suffered with this for many years but since October it's just been really bad. Please don't be mad at me, I've lost over 5 friends in the last few months because of my depression. I just feel useless to everybody, and I have let people down.
If I ever need to talk to someone can I talk to you? right now I've only got my mother and my brothers are too young to know what I'm going through. I don't mean to talk about it but I've come close a few times now. I have driven people away, I can't explain why I feel like I am, I just think I'm a loser and a failure. I have no self confidence because I've had people bully me for being ugly and thin.
I know you have your own life, all I ask is if I can sometimes chat with you if I feel like I need to talk to someone. Like I said I'm there for you too and for my other friends if they need me because I hate to see people upset or angry. I just like to make sure things are mellow and calm between people. I still feel bad about what happened with you and ben. I worry a lot about ****. To be honest Ben is not the best guy to talk too because he just argues with a lot of people for silly reasons, I feel bad for saying that about him but it's true, I don't want to get involved with that.
Please don't block me or anything, I'm sorry for what I said, I feel ashamed of having it because I think there are people who have it much worse than me I understand you're busy with college but I still want us to get along. All I ask is for us to be cool with each other.
Believe it or not but if I talk to someone like you or my other friends, it makes me feel happier because it takes my mind off things. Don't worry about responding now but would it be ok if we could talk sometime during the next few days.

Tell me what you guys think of the letter above?
I also have no self confidence in myself, I think I'm extremely ugly and hideous and look down upon myself and think people are better than me, this is a picture of me, I got abused for being ugly since I was really young and it has affected me. Here's the link https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...type=1&theater

[*emma*]

I can absolutely relate with you honey!! I think that letter was very well written, very well thought out. It spoke your needs but also took her feelings into account. I hope she proves to be a good friend to you. If not, then keep strong honey because it says more about her character than yours.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression ever since I could remember. I was a very easy target for bullies, aka people who are so unhappy with themselves that they make others suffer so to feel better. My depression and anxiety was a very big issue with me because I thought people thought I was crazy and people who I told in confidence used it against me. I ended up in my room for 3 years contemplating how I could kill myself.
What I have learned is that people who act ugly to you in such a time of need are very small people. Small in their character. And you are strong and WILL get through this just as I did. You sound like a lovely soul and your picture proved I was right to think so

[ab123]

I don't see how you think you're ugly. You aren't society's image of what'd perfect but how effing.boring is that..don't let other people..including yourself...tell you otherwise. Man I know so many guys with your looks land beautiful girls and have a lot of confidence...just takes time figuring out what makes you confident about you, confidence is.attractive. a hell of a lot more attractive than looks. Please cheer up and let me know if you need anything.

[JLBnole68]

Kyle, there's nothing ugly about you, my friend. The only ugliness I see are the lies your brain is telling you. Don't buy it. There's nothing worth taking your life over. Don't define your worth over some dumbass bullies. I've fought them in the past myself. Want to know who the real losers are? Them. That's who. Not you. Now come on. Enough of this suicide stuff. The world needs you. We need good people. We need beautiful people, and you are whether you think so or not. I may live across the pond in the States, but I'd be proud to call you a friend. And believe it or not, you'll have a family of friends here if you just open up and share. It hurts my heart to hear when people lose the will to live. I've lost friends and family members to suicide. It's horrible. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to people who love you and care about you. You can get through this, man. You can. Don't give up. We're all fighters here. There are millions of us in this world. You're not isolated or alone. Just have some self-esteem. A bit of confidence. Build it little by little. It will come with time. If you ever need to talk or somebody to listen, I'll be glad to be your friend. My name is Jeff. You can look me up on Facebook... Jeffery Belk. Seriously. Don't be so down on yourself. You may not be perfect, but nobody is. No one.

[ab123]

Exactly!! What ^^^^ said.

[hippysilverware]

Like Emma said, your letter was very well thought out; and like everyone else said you're not ugly! I can understand how building confidence takes time though... I've only recently stopped opening the medicine cabinet so I didn't have to look in the mirror haha. It does help if you try to force yourself to do at least some of the things you used to enjoy. It might feel mechanical at first, but after a little while you might notice you start to feel better. Reading has all my life been my go-to when I needed to distract myself, be somewhere else for a while; when I notice I can't stand waking up, I try to force myself to read. After a while, I can get back into the swing of things. It takes time, and it's hard, but it gets better. I don't have a facebook, but my username is my yahoo e-mail; if you ever need and ear I'll hear you out. Oh er.. read I guess.

[rhan86]

Kyle, there's nothing ugly about you, my friend. The only ugliness I see are the lies your brain is telling you. Don't buy it. There's nothing worth taking your life over. Don't define your worth over some dumbass bullies. I've fought them in the past myself. Want to know who the real losers are? Them. That's who. Not you. Now come on. Enough of this suicide stuff. The world needs you. We need good people. We need beautiful people, and you are whether you think so or not. I may live across the pond in the States, but I'd be proud to call you a friend. And believe it or not, you'll have a family of friends here if you just open up and share. It hurts my heart to hear when people lose the will to live. I've lost friends and family members to suicide. It's horrible. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to people who love you and care about you. You can get through this, man. You can. Don't give up. We're all fighters here. There are millions of us in this world. You're not isolated or alone. Just have some self-esteem. A bit of confidence. Build it little by little. It will come with time. If you ever need to talk or somebody to listen, I'll be glad to be your friend. My name is Jeff. You can look me up on Facebook... Jeffery Belk. Seriously. Don't be so down on yourself. You may not be perfect, but nobody is. No one.

Yes what he said ^
I wish u well

[masonmoore0824]

Hi Kyle,
Sounds like you are going through a really rough time right now...especially leading you to feel suicidal. I know that feeling well as it sits right behind me most days. When I feel it coming too close, there's a really good book to read called, "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me" by Susan Rose Blauner. It is full of ways to keep yourself going when you don't feel like you can anymore. It's really important to have someone to talk to when you feel the urge to act on those suicidal thoughts. Often times, when I feel suicidal it's because I feel so depressed, frustrated and stuck in a bad place in my head. What I really want is to feel better, not to die but dying seems like the only way out. IT'S NOT the answer. My dad committed suicide and it crushed my whole family. There are many things worth living for, but first you need someone you can trust to talk to, and then possibly look into seeing your doctor about medications. Both of these together help keep me alive...remember these feelings will pass, however horrible they feel, but dying is forever. STAY ALIVE!

[Kyle Morgan]

Thank you everyone so far for your answers, it's made me feel a bit better. I'll try to cheer up but it's difficult when you've been constantly knocked down and ridiculed by people because of how I look.

[Kyle Morgan]

Yeah the letter's no god now because she blocked me, oh well she can piss off. I know I did nothing wrong