Emotional Amnesia and Relationship Identity Crisis

[lostinlimbo]

Has anyone here ever forgotten somebody? Like almost literally forgotten somebody -- all your emotional connections to them and memories, feelings, investment in them. It's like having emotional amnesia.

I've had this experience in several of my relationships in the past 6 years; bliss, togetherness, true intimacy, passion, deep understanding of one another and respect for each other's humanity, mind, body, soul, and then all of a sudden there's a trigger (it's been virtually anything) and your mind goes blank. You don't feel like yourself and you can't remember how you feel about them. You become dissociated from only them specifically and feel very uncomfortable and disturbed about how to find your way back. Seconds in the new state of mind feel like days and within a week it feels like you've been apart from them for forever; it is physically impossible to feel like yourself around them again or to relax/let your guard down/trust yourself or be yourself.

Btw the trigger was just a very minor fight we had over me feeling irrationally abandoned by her not knowing whether late at night would be the best time to come see me after I had a long day's work (I asked her to even though it was unreasonable and we'd only have several hours together in the dead of night). I then basically emotionally abandoned her and when she showed up at my door anyway I felt very removed and detached from her. She apologized, but from then it's only gotten worse and the anxiety is so unbearable, I don't feel like myself. By the way this was one week ago and I feel impenetrably, irreconcilably separated from her.

It just feels like I don't remember my girlfriend organically. I'm forcing myself to talk to her but I have no clue what to say. It's the oddest feeling. I just forgot the person I was most in love with.

[AmberGbenga]

Holy crap that must be horrible! Icant imagine anything worse... Although you did just admit your in love with her? It's there.. You know it is and can feel it. Have you spoken to her about it? How long have you been together for? Maybe go to the place where you met or had a first date or something, try build up the spark. It sounds like the fight triggered some inner insecurity, you had the fight therefore your scared the relationship would end leaving you heartbroken so your mind has gone into survival mode and completely blocked her out. It's possible, I know when my partner and I used to fight my body would do the same, not forget our subside memories and what not.. But feelings.. If grow unattached to him.. I would take time out and think of what really mattered and the fight and I'd end up relizjng I love him and I wanted to be with him so I'd rekindle.. After awhile I'm okay, still now though if we have a fight I think maybe he isn't the one, should I end it now and save later devistation? I come to terms with myself and realize I'm and idiot we fought because something so stupid.. It's just my way of protectin myself, maybe your doing the same?

[cassether]

I think I sort of know what you mean... my boyfriend is living overseas so we have to keep in contact on skype. When we're talking face to face I'm ok but when he hangs up and a few hours pass I can't remember the relationship/emotions even though I know I'm in love with him. It's so strange, I'll picture him in my head and it's like I don't even know him?? The way I usually deal with the hesitation is by treating it in my mind as a friendship. I don't try and force the relationship side, I just let it naturally (which it usually does thank goodness). I don't know if that would help your situation, mines a bit different being long distance... but like I said, I do sort of get where you're coming from

[lostinlimbo]

Thanks guys... I woke up just now with the worst tension headache at the forefront of my mind. It's more permanent than just having a change of heart or dealing with salient emotions though, I'm afraid. I'm literally living in misery.

The thing is, I don't feel anything for her anymore. It's like. It's like I'm living holding my breath. I don't know who I am, I don't know how to be with her anymore. Literally, how to be around her. The things that come out of my mouth sound like fake scripted words I'm forcing. And she does know about it. She could immediately sense a change in me... she can tell things are different, and it breaks her heart. She's cried over it, we've even already broken up because of how much this is affecting me and devastating my sanity/mind, but still I need her in some rational way beyond this madness. Like. She's my best friend. She's the person I used to do all the things I love to do with. Watch Friends. Go to the bar on Friday nights. Eat Chinese Food. Be goofy and adoring and sweet to. I miss missing her. If that makes sense.

I feel like something changed in me. Something seized my brain and I can't get my feelings and true love to settle back. It's a feeling of like... all your thoughts occupying your direction attention and YOU actually not being anything - no identity, no feelings, no control, no autonomy, no escape. I'm this weak, miserable person now and it's totally torn my relationship apart.

And I know going back to the place we met wouldn't do anything because I'd be so occupied by this. We live in NYC and we frequent that area often :/ I think of her now as someone I have to recover myself around. But I can't. This happened first when I was 17 with my first girlfriend and it was the first time I had ever felt anxiety in my life. And it was bad. It took 6 weeks of therapy twice a week for me to literally find some semblance of non-panic within myself. Naturally my relationship of two years at that point ended and I could never recall my feelings or memories of that person again. It's true. I fear this this is the same. My sweet Bel :'( That's my girlfriend. We've only known each other even for 4 months but still, it feels like a lifetime of happiness and just damn adventurous, liberated, sweet wild crazy love I knew with her. I don't know why it's dead. But it feels as if I cannot escape the square inch of tension in my mind to come back to anything real.

[lostinlimbo]

And imagine being that person, completely and utterly irreversibly emotionally abandoned by your partner. Literally not being able to be seen or received emotionally by them anymore, having no control over the fact that they have permanently forgotten you. Their spirit and soul and realness being forever inaccessible to you.

It would not only break your heart, it would shatter your self esteem and sense of trust and understanding in how human feelings and relationships work. I didn't want to be the person to do this to her. I'm not trying to screw her up. But I know it's happening so fast. And yet she is the only person in my life. I live with my parents and sister but she is the only person in my life outside of people I see a few times a week at work (I work at the Gap) that stimulates my mind. I have one other friend I see every couple of weeks who I go out with to the bar. But she just happens to be the one person I spent my life with. Before her I had a best friend/ex-girlfriend who I've since drifted from for too many reasons. But that's what makes this especially hard.

[lostinlimbo]

I mean, I obviously have a fear of my romantic emotions for someone not being reciprocated, and a fear of abandonment. I'm also extremely sensitive and insecure. If someone did this to me I'd be freaking out, bawling and screaming hysterically. Talk about a way to just kill a relationship, I mean, I can never even guarantee her I'm not going to stop loving her from one day to the next because it actually happened. It's just a really unfair thing to do to someone, and unfair to myself for God's sake, I was happy, I miss feeling like MYSELF. I feel no linear connection to the me that was before. I don't have feelings. I can't relax. I'm stuck up in my head. I can't take my attention away from the thoughts, for one whole week now. Do you know how crazy that makes me feel? I'm losing my mind.

[lostinlimbo]

And I feel like if I take my sight away from the problem, I will forget her. Like, if I finally take my attention away from the tension, I will literally forget she exists. She will disappear and die from my consciousness. That's what this feels like. This feels like a struggle to re-enter her into my mind that cannot be won.

[lostinlimbo]

I'm obsessing over the blankness, amnesia-ness. Obviously. Also I have struggled with obsessive and intrusive thoughts for the past 6 years.

[lostinlimbo]

But I won't allow myself to forget her. And I know this struggle is my only connection to her anymore. I think this relationship just needs to die slowly. A terrible God awful inexcusable shame that it happened so instantly though and without meaning.

[lostinlimbo]

I feel like this pressure is her trying to intrude my body.