The thought of him leaving makes me suicidal

[sleepygirl]

Hey there,
I'm in my second year of university, and i met my boyfriend in freshers (literally the night i got here haha)
We've been together ever since, and its great. We even live together with 4 other people this year
however, my anxiety and depression goes crazy when i think about next year.. as he has a year in america.

I've tried all the things to put it out of my mind, and enjoy the time now- but i just can't as i'm so fixated on it.
I feel like he's the only person who likes me at uni, and he's going to be so far away and with a huge time difference,

everytime i try to talk to him about it, he just dismisses it now, saying that it will be fine. But he doesn't know how bad i'm going to get without him here. My previous times when i've had anxiety and feelings of alone-ness has lead to me turning to bulimia in the past.

God, i'm just so frightened about it!
any advice?

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi sleepygirl,

It sounds like you think you have one problem, and that is that your boyfriend will be going away for a year. But it looks to me in what you wrote that you actually have three problems. However, you have gotten them all tangled up into one problem, and have made resolution of that one problem dependent upon your boyfriend staying, even though you know he is going to be gone for a year. So I would recommend you separate these problems from each other and work on them separately.

Problem 1: My boyfriend is going away for a year and I don't want to lose him.

Problem 2: I don't feel like I have any other friends here at university.

Problem 3: I have a past problem of bulimia and am afraid I am going to fall back into it.

These seem like pretty tough problems, especially the last one. It may even seem to you right now like they are impossible to solve. There are some things you can learn that can help you work on resolving these problems. I can talk you through it online, if you would like. Would you like my help?

[Dahila]

Lee I like the way you analyze the posts, very logical, I really like that.
Do you think he loves you?
Is he mature?
Bulimia is treatable and you will fall in and out for years. Be strong. I know what I am talking about. You will get rid of that eventually. he goes for a year to America, but you stay here, anything can happen, you can meet someone else or him. I am old but I still believe in real love and in honesty and loyalty. I was separated with my husband, he was in different country for over a year, more like two years. We survived. So can you. Do not worry too much. Try to relax and enjoy every day

[Lee Grant Irons]

Lee I like the way you analyze the posts, very logical, I really like that.
Do you think he loves you?
Is he mature?
Bulimia is treatable and you will fall in and out for years. Be strong. I know what I am talking about. You will get rid of that eventually. he goes for a year to America, but you stay here, anything can happen, you can meet someone else or him. I am old but I still believe in real life and in honesty and loyalty. I was separated with my husband, he was in different country for over a year, more like two years. We survived. So can you. Do not worry too much. Try to relax and enjoy every day

Dahila is giving you some sound advice. What she is talking about is what I call "Accepts" and "Acknowledges." But before going further into that, I think I may have gotten the first problem wrong. Could it be that your first problem really is:

Problem 1: I don't have sufficient self-esteem to think that I have a chance of sustaining a relationship through all of the challenges and changes of life.

Also, before getting further into "Accepts" and "Acknowledges," you should consider what goals you would have for each of these problems. Here are some possibilities. Feel free to use these or change them to suit your own personal desires.

Goal 1 - Build my self-esteem and self-confidence.
Goal 2 - Make some friends here at university.
Goal 3 - Maintain good eating habits and become a healthy eater.

So, if you don't mind, since we have come this far, let me explain some other things that you can do to help yourself reach your goals and resolve your problems. Now into the "Accepts" and "Acknowledges" that Dahila started talking about. There are some things associated with each problem that you can't change. You can't make your boyfriend stay. You can't make people be your friend. You can't change the fact that you have suffered from Bulimia. These are all "Accepts." There are probably some more associated with each problem. So I would suggest you think about other things you can't change about these problems.

There are also come things that you already know about these problems. These are "Acknowledges." Here are some examples. Not all of these examples will necessarily apply to you. Just pick the ones that do, and add more to the list based upon what you know about yourself and your situation.

For Problem and Goal 1: My boyfriend might not want a deeper relationship yet. I am a desirable person. If I build my self-esteem and self-confidence, that could make me more desirable to my boyfriend or even other guys. I could find someone else I am interested in.

For Problem and Goal 2: I need to look for opportunities to hang out with other people. I can be friendly. I have been giving all of my attention to my boyfriend and cheating myself of opportunities for other friendships. I can be hard to get along with. I need to learn to let things go that usually upset me. I need to learn to accept people the way they are. I need to stop criticizing, condemning, and complaining.

For Problem and Goal 3: Bulimia is treatable. With help, I will get rid of it eventually.

Once you have your problems, goals, accepts, and acknowledges written out, then you can generate a list of what I call "Negotiations" for each goal. These are things you can start doing right now to move toward meeting your goals based on your Accepts and Acknowledges. Again, you need to figure out what you think you need to do, but here are some examples:

Negotiations for Goal 1: Get a book on self-esteem and self-confidence and learn more about how to build them in myself.

Negotiations for Goal 2: Start eating dinner with people I know. Start planning Friday nights out and weekend activities and invite some people I know to go with me. Smile more when I am around other people, and ask them about themselves and things they are doing. Don't talk about myself, unless someone asks. Encourage people I know whenever they are having tough times. Try to be the positive and helpful person.

Negotiations for Goal 3: Talk to the nutritionist at our university about my prior bulimia condition and get advice on improving my nutrition. Consult with my primary care doctor and/or psychiatrist on things I can do to prevent bulimia from happening again. Make eating regular meals a priority in my life.

This will get you started. As you work on these Negotiations, you will discover more Accepts and Acknowledges along the way, which will help you identify more Negotiations you can do. It is this iterative process that will get you closer to what your goals.

I hope this helps you see what is possible and that you have the power to resolve your problems and achieve your goals. It is important for you to know that, as you do this, you might find that your goals begin to change as you learn more about yourself and what you want. That is okay. Goals are meant to be adjusted. The real goal is for you to be content and as happy as you can be with your life.

[AmberGbenga]

These are all amazing answers! I agree 100% with everyone here. I'm in a long distance relationship, boyfriend in Hawaii me in Australia. We have lasted and are still going amazingly strong. You need to talk to your boyfriend, if he is avoided the talk he is either 1. Afraid of it himself, leaving you and what not or 2. He knows it won't last, so he is just enjoying it while it is. So, try harder to talk to him. Tell him it's really important, tell him how you feel, but don't tell him you can't live without him, or you'll go back to your old ways and what not.. Some men have very simple minds like women at times. This in his eyes could be seen as you trying to guilt him into staying which will only push him away.. I mean I could be wrong but, maybe word it differently.. Be positive. Tell him your upset, and want to know how you guys will make it work. Be open and listen to him aswell. Compromise.
Now with your other problems I strongly suggest Doing what everyone else said. Keep busy, use the time apart from your man to become independent, to find yourself and love yourself. This will make your life so much better and your relationship better also. But do make time for your man if things go to plan.