Crazy Anxiety in Relationship

[trurman]

Hey Guys, really hard for my to write this as I'm terrified of facing my anxiety, but I'd love some advice...

2 years ago I was 20 and broke up with a girl after she cheated, abused my trust over and over, leaving me extremely anxious. I spent a year and a half getting over her and 'resetting' myself before moving on and recently thought I was there. I started dating a girl and quickly I realised she wasn't good for me, so I broke up with her. She was extremely insecure as I got to know her and honestly, not good news. Almost a repeat of before. That ended around 2 months ago.

Right now I've started 'seeing' someone else who has just started uni and is such a lovely girl, much more my type and has a really loving heart. The issue I have right now, is when I don't hear from her for a few hours... Or I know she's out with people from uni that drink... (me and her don't).

So on the logical side, she would NEVER hurt me in any way, she does text / call me a couple of times a day, I love being around her and want to grow into a deeper relationship over time.

Aside from that, there's still this crazy anxiety in me that kicks in... What if she's out and didn't tell me? Why hasn't she text'd me for 3 hours? What if someone is trying to take advantage and she hasn't told me? All this stuff starts spinning around again and again in my head!! It's destroying me. I can't think strait, I can't work, I can't eat...etc. This goes on, even though I know I'm lucky to be with someone to amazing, she would never hurt me and I know she's crazy about me!

I haven't told her because I don't want her to worry or feel like she's got to help me as it's my problem that I want to deal with.

Right now for example, she told me she's staying in tonight. So I text'd her a couple of hours ago but no reply yet. Now my brain is screaming "she's gone out, she's drunk, she's with guys..". I KNOW that is NOT true at all! But telling myself that doesn't help... I want a hug from her, I want a call, I want to know we're OK - But now I sound clingy as anything?!

I'd love some advice, I'm sure others have been here before...

Thanks in advance!

Trueman.

[sez]

Hiya, I think these thoughts you are having are part of a negative spiral that is what keeps anxiety alive. Have you ever looked into cognitive behavioural therapy? I think you would find it very useful as your anxiety seems to revolve around your negative thoughts. In a nut shell CBT is about stoping these negative thoughts in their tracks and replacing them with something more positive- it takes time and practice but you may find it very beneficial. Something you could do to start is to catch the thought you are having (for example: shes going to cheat on me) and then take the time to write it down and write down any evidence you can think of that supports that thought I.e you've been cheated on before, next write down any evidence against that thought I.e you realise it's irrational, she wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to be, she isn't the same as your ex etc etc you then need to come up with a new statement that is more balanced and positive using the evidence you've gained for example: 'she may have gone out with some of her friends, she will text me back when she can'.

I hope some of that makes sense. There is a lot of useful information about cognitive behavioural therapy on the Internet if you google it! Iv had CBT myself, if you want to talk further let me know we are a similar age I'm 23

[dancing with the devil]

Hey. I know exactly what you're going through. When I fell in love with my now husband I felt exactly the same. I would freak out if he didn't reply for an hour or two, in my head I would make a huge deal out of everything he did or said, I would over think and get paranoid in every scenario. It was a tough time for me, and for a while I also didn't bring any of it up to him because I didn't want to sound clingy and crazy. Eventually though I made the mistake of letting it get hold of me, I hurt him and pushed him away because of my anxiety and lack of trust, accused him endlessly of things that were all in my head. Every day, I wish I could go back and undo things I've done and said to him, it was very unfair of me to place that burden upon him, even though we worked it out in the end. So I almost had to reply to you and tell you what I learned the hard way, so you don't make the same mistake. Please don't project your fears, insecurities, and paranoia onto her, don't make her feel guilty of things that were never in her control, don't push her away by acting like everything she does hurts you, because in reality, if you logically know that she's a sweet person who doesn't want to hurt you, it is all in your head, and if you do have to talk to her, tell her you have problems with anxiety, and if she cares about you she will be willing to talk and help you through it. I don't know how long you've been seeing each other, and I understand you might not want to talk about it early in a relationship, and that's probably the right thing to do, but if it does get serious, you will have to tell her about it, and explain those feelings. The best advice I can give is do not place any blame on her unless she's actually done something terrible to you, make it clear it is your issue. This is where I went wrong, and it caused him to resent me and withdraw away from me, because he was getting punished over and over for something he didn't do, something that was all in my head. Please, just remember that.